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(Page 34 of 53) An E-mail Make-Over What follows is an example of a “before” and “after” message. The two are similar in terms of the surface content of what Susan is saying to Joe. However, the second one illustrates the variety of e-mail composition techniques discussed in the previous sections of this article. It shows a balance between spontaneity and thoughtful organization; empathic attentiveness to the recipient; and the expressive use of quoted text, caps, special characters, spacing, trailers, parenthetical thoughts and actions, and smileys. As such, it conveys an entirely different range of meanings and feelings that the first message: | |||||||
Multimedia Enhancements As e-mail technology has matured, we have access to more features to enhance our messages. Many programs make it easy to attach images, sounds, programs, and almost any type of document to the message. The recipient may perceive such attachments - especially images from friends - as little gifts piggybacked onto the e-mail. Large attachments may require a long download time, which might make the recipient annoyed. Because attachments often are perceived as “extras” - something in addition to the message, something unrequested and maybe unwanted - proper etiquette suggests asking ahead of time before sending it. Because computer viruses spread as attachments, such files can stir anxiety and suspicion, especially when the sender is unknown. Also, spam with graphcs embedded into the message often contain image attachments. Given these potential problems with attachments, when people don't react to them as gifts, they perceive them as intrusions upon their e-mail territory. Many e-mail programs enable senders to insert images directly into the body of the message, which adds another level of expressive complexity. Usually people insert pictures at the end of the message, so as not to disrupt the integrity of the message body. In that position, the image can serve as a visual appendix to an idea within the message, as a concluding comment, or even as a surprise the recipient only discovers after scrolling down to the end. Senders add hypertext addresses into their message to provide a springboard for the recipient to jump from the message into the web. When e-mail programs enable these links to be “hot,” simply clicking them within the message catapults the reader into a web browser and onto a web page. Such links create a swift and easy transition between private space and public space, almost as if the sender and reader are sitting side-by-side within the e-mail space, talking privately, but then are able to open a door to step out into a worldwide public area of information and entertainment. Some e-mail programs also enable messages to display web page codes, complete with full page layout, graphics, and links. The message looks very similar to a web page, thus eliminating much of the distinction between private e-mail space versus public web space. This distinction is magnified by the fact that commercial e-mail tends to involve such elaborate formatting much more often than private e-mail between individuals. As with e-mail containing rich text, multimedia e-mail may not translate well in all e-mail programs, especially older ones incapable of recognizing the special formatting. Inserted images disappear. A paragraph innovatively and beautifully formatted with html codes is riddled with meaningless glitches in the reader's window. Your computer crashes. The machines at both ends speak different languages, resulting in these e-mail translation errors that range from mild annoyances to major mishaps. Before attempting to send multimedia e-mail, it is wise to send a sample message to the recipient, to test out what can and can't be read. Just Between You and Me: Private Language Like any subculture, the world of e-mailing has developed a unique language. Having its own novel terms and expressions that outsiders don't understand gives any group a sense of distinctive identity. To be in the group is to be in the know. If you appropriately use the parlance, you are demonstrating your knowledge of and belonging to the subculture. The unique language also evolves for purely practical reasons. It makes communication more efficient. In the world of avid e-mail users, a variety of acronyms and abbreviations have developed. Many of these were borrowed from chat lingo. For example:
A private language also may develop between two people or among a small group of people who e-mail each other frequently. It may include unique acronyms, expressions, character symbols and words (neologisms) that only those people understand. The evolution of that private language reflects the evolving identity, cohesion, and intimacy of the dyad or group. Usually the language crystallizes around issues that are discussed frequently and therefore personally important to the e-mail partners. Pacing: The Ebb and Flow of Mail Because e-mail has an adjustable conversing speed, the pacing of message exchanges will vary over the course of an e-mail relationship. The excitement of getting to know each other - and enjoying each others company - will result in an increasing pace that eventually plateaus into a rate of exchange that feels comfortable to both partners. As a general rule, the more frequently people e-mail each other, the more important and intimate the relationship feels to them. Some people e-mail each other every day, or several times a day. Bursts in the intensity of the pace occur when hot topics are being discussed, when recent events in one's life need to be explained, or when work needs to be done. These bursts may reflect a sudden deepening of the intimacy in the relationship. Declines in the pace may indicate a temporary or longterm weakening of the bonds between the couple - either due to a growing disinterest in the relationship or distractions from other sectors of one's life (usually “real” life). Significant changes in the cadence always indicates a significant change in feelings, attitudes, or commitment. When people become enthused about e-mail, they may expect that their partners will respond at a pace as intense as their own enthusiasm. They may even unconsciously experience the interaction as if it is a face-to-face encounter - and so, perhaps unconsciously, they are expecting an almost immediate reply. Experienced e-mail users understand that different people have different paces. Some do e-mail every day; some two or three times a week; some once a week or less. Even avid and regular users have slightly different rhythms. You adjust yourself accordingly. You settle into a tempo that is right for each relationship. You accept that tempo as a meaningful indication of what that relationship is about. Drastic drops in the pace, or an apparent failure of the partner to respond at all, throws you into the “black hole” experience. The partner's silence may be a sign of anger, indifference, stubborn withdrawal, punishment, laziness, preoccupation with other things... But you don't know for sure. The ambiguity inherent in the no-reply easily can become a blank screen onto which we project our own expectations, emotions, and anxieties. Transference: Seeing the Other Clearly The lack of face-to-face cues in e-mail often results in ambiguity. Without hearing a person's voice - or seeing body language and facial expressions - you may not be exactly sure what the person means. This ambiguity enhances the tendency to project your own expectations, wishes, and anxieties stemming from past relationships onto the somewhat shadowy figure sitting at the other end of the Internet - what is called a “transference reaction.” As an e-mail relationship develops over time, there may be ebbs and flows in the transferential feelings and attitudes towards the other person. When you first connect through e-mail, they tend to be minimal because you do not know the other person and have little psychological investment in the relationship. Transference reactions are more likely to surface when emotional attachments begin to form but you still do not have a good “feel” for the person due to that lack of ftf cues. Other peak moments occur when emotional topics come up but you are unable to pinpoint exactly where the other person stands on the issue. When in doubt, we fall back on our old expectations about how people relate to us - expectations that formed in our early relationships with our parents and siblings. Black hole experiences - the ultimate “blank screens” - also are notorious for stirring up transference. Under ideal conditions, as we spend more and more time conversing with an e-mail partner, we begin to understand and work through those transference reactions so that we can see the other person as he/she really is. However, even under the best of circumstances, there often is some aspect of our mental image of the other person that is based more on our own expectations and needs than on the reality of the other person. It may be the way we think he looks, her voice sounds, or some aspect of his personality. We may not even be consciously aware that we've formed that impression until we meet the person ftf and discover, much to our surprise, that they are - in some way - very different than what we expected. Generally speaking, transference reactions are unconscious. We don't see them coming, and don't fully realize how they are steering our behavior. That's why they can get lead us astray and into trouble. Some incoming e-mail may be prepackaged with transference even though the person is a complete stranger to us. If you have a web site - or other information about you is available on the internet - people can form inaccurate impressions which they launch your way in the form of an e-mail. They may idealize you, detest you, or anything inbetween. These kind of transference reactions often are deeply ingrained, prepared responses in the person that are ready to leap out at an opportune moment. On a fairly regular basis, I receive e-mail from people whom I call “spoon-feeders.” There is no greeting, no sign-off line or name - just a terse request, or should I say DEMAND, for something. For example:
Even though many articles about this topic are easily available on my web site, I'm usually happy to share some ideas with people via e-mail. Yet messages like the one above don't convey any interest in a relationship. The transference reaction is one in which I am perceived as an information machine, just waiting to dole out data upon request. Leaning towards passive dependency, they are operating at a rather immature interpersonal level - a developmentally primitive form of “object relations,” some psychoanalytic thinkers would say. They see others in terms of their own needs rather than as separate people with needs of their own. The spoon-feeder also might be a good example of transference towards one's computer (“I need control...serve me”) that carries over into transference towards other people. Unfortunately, another common transference reaction is the “chip on my shoulder” e-mail. People who have antagonistic conflicts with authority figures may feel free to send a flaming e-mail to someone they perceive as an parental figure. The sometimes extreme hostility in such a message reflects the depth and intensity of the transference reaction. Anyone who has a web site that in any way presents themselves as an authority on some topic may be subjected to the “chip on my shoulder” e-mail. The bottom line with these kinds of unrequested e-mails is this: You may not have a relationship with them, but they think they have a relationship with you. Keeping Record: The E-mail Archive A big advantage of e-mail encounters over ftf ones is that you can keep an exact record of what was said. At your leisure you can reread and reflect on the exchanges between you and your e-mail partner. If two people only know each other via e-mail - and at least one of them saves all of the exchanges messages - we could even make the argument that the relationship has been preserved in its entirety. Often, however, a person only saves some of the messages, probably those that are especially meaningful - emotional high points, moments of intimacy, important personal information, or other milestones in the relationship. Comparing the messages saved by one person to those saved by the partner could reveal similarities and discrepancies in what each of them finds most important about the relationship. One person might savor humor, practical information, personal self-disclosures, emotional recollections, or intellectual debate - while the other may not. Saving mostly one's own messages, or mostly the other person's messages, may reflect a difference in focus on either self or other. The area of significant overlap in saved messages reflects the common ground of interest and attitude that holds the relationship together. It's very possible that there might be a significant difference between partners in the number of saved messages. The person who saves less - or maybe none at all - may have a lower investment in the relationship. Or they may not be as self-reflective about relationships as people who wish to reread and think about what was said. On the other hand, that person may simply have less of a need to capture, preserve, or control the relationship. Some people like to “live in the moment.” They may not feel a need to store away what was said... and that doesn't necessarily indicate less of an emotional involvement. Unless you're simply searching for information (e.g., phone number, address), what prompts you to go back and read old messages may be a sign of something significant happening in the relationship or your reaction to it. Doubt, worry, confusion, anger, nostalgia? What motivates you to search your archive? The curious thing about rereading old messages (even if they are just a few days old) is that they sound different than they did the first time you read them. You see the old message in a new light, from a new perspective. You notice nuances that you did not see before. Or you discover that the emotions and meanings you previously detected were really your own projections and really nothing that the sender put there (i.e., your transference reaction). We are tempted to think that an e-mail archive is a factual record of what was said. In some ways it is. But a saved message also is a container into which we pour our own psyche. We invest it with all sorts of meanings and emotions depending on our state of mind at the moment. Previously in this article, I discussed the use quoted text. Usually, one quotes lines from the most recent message received from the e-mail partner. If you have an e-mail archive, you also can quote lines from earlier messages, including messages from long ago. These recitations may have a dramatic impact on your partner. On the positive side, the person may be pleased to realize that you are saving her messages - in a sense, holding him in your memory, even cherishing her words. On the negative side, it can feel eerie seeing one's words revived from the distant past, especially when you don't quite remember when or in what context you said it. It's a reminder that the person has a record of you. The situation can be even more unnerving when you don't have a record of the message yourself, so you can't verify the accuracy of the quote. A slightly paranoid feeling seeps in. “Am I being deceived, held hostage?... Why didn't *I* save that message?” Of course, all of these negative reactions are amplified when the old quoted text is being thrown at you in an accusatory or hostile manner. At other times the remembrance feels benign and nostalgic. Developmental History and Meeting FtF Often there are several stages in the development of an e-mail relationship. First, the people must come in contact with each other. That may seem like a serendipitous or uneventful occurrence - they just “happened” to run into each other on the Internet, or that first round of e-mail involved some simple request for information. But often there is more going on below the surface. Although, theoretically, people can connect with everyone else on the Internet, they don't. They establish ongoing relationships with only a handful of people. Consciously - and often unconsciously - we filter through the hundreds and thousands of persona that scroll down our monitor and select out those people that have similar interests to ours, those that address our psychological and emotional needs... those that fit our transference dynamics. When reflecting on one of your ongoing e-mail relationships, it's interesting to open your archive and look up those first few messages that were exchanged. Exactly when and where did you meet? Exactly what was said? Those first few messages can reveal the needs and emotional dynamics that sparked the relationship. As in all relationships, the momentum begins with those sparked dynamics and evolves from there. The people gradually reveal more about themselves to each other, which adds more layers of complexity onto the core dynamics that drew them together. The lack of face-to-face cues encourages them to discuss thoughts and feelings that they otherwise might not reveal - which helps solidify the bond between them. But filling in for that lack of face-to-face cues also deepens the relationship. Describing how one looks, for example, is a powerful way of saying, “I want you to see the real me.” The same principle holds true for disclosing facts about your in-person life. Because cyberspace easily can be a world isolated from one's “real” life - a world where you can remain anonymous or take on an imaginative identity - revealing your actual identity is taken as a sign of intimacy and commitment. The more people start to share that kind of real-world information in their e-mail, the more the relationship deepens. The developmental path in e-mail relationships is one that leads towards becoming more and more real to the other person. For the relationship to move beyond a certain point, the couple will want and need to have more real-time and face-to-face contact. They might try meeting in online chat or instant messaging, which can make the other person's temporal “presence” seem more powerful and thereby enhance the feeling of actually being together in real time. It also tests each other's commitment to the relationship, because you both have to be there at a specific time. If they have the technical skills, they might try communicating with video or audio streaming. They might attach pictures of themselves to their e-mail. An even bigger move forward is to step outside the sometimes invisible psychological boundary that “we are ONLINE friends.” You break the cyberspace barrier by sending letters, photos, and gifts via postal mail.... or telephone the other person... or you take the final, inevitable step of actually meeting your friend in-person. Each of these moves towards becoming more real to the e-mail partner is a significant turning point in the relationship. The thoughts and feelings that are discussed during and after each of these more intimate contacts builds new dimensions to the relationship. This is especially true of taking that big step forward by meeting your e-mail companion in-person. Both of you are taking that decisive step out of cyberspace and into the face-to-face encounter. It can be a bit anxiety-provoking. Will he be what I've imagined him to be? What will she think of me? Why did we decide to meet each other NOW in the relationship? What are we both expecting from the rendezvous? All of these are important questions. Some experienced online people feel they can suspend any expectations about what others will actually be like when they meet in-person. They claim that they are rarely surprised by that real world encounter. Others say that got to know someone so well through e-mail that meeting in person seemed very smooth and natural. In many cases, however, finally standing toe to toe with the other person can be a real eye-opener. The companion is not exactly what you expected. They look or talk differently than you had imagined. Some aspect of their personality is very different than you had imagined. Due to the lack of f2f cues and the resulting disinhibition effect, people do not act the same in e-mail as they do in-person. That difference may be striking when you meet. On the other hand, the contrast in how they appear on and offline may be the result of the false impression you had formed of them. Standing toe to toe, you have the opportunity to test out the image of your companion that you had created in your mind. While conversing via e-mail, how did you accurately perceive this person? Where did your perceptions go astray? By answering those questions, you may come to understand how your own mindset shaped the image you had formed. You may have wanted or needed the person to be a certain way. Steered by your past intimate relationships, you may have expected them to be a certain way. Or you may have completely overlooked something in the e-mail that couldn't be ignored in the ftf encounter. Stated in a nutshell, meeting the person gives you the opportunity to understand and work through your transference reactions. Meeting in-person often will deepen the relationship. Afterwards the couple discuss, assimilate, reminisce, and cherish the encounter. They build on it. They share the ways in which the meeting confirmed and altered their perceptions of each other. As such, ideally, they help each other understand and work through their transference reactions. But the in-person meeting doesn't always enhance the relationship. People may be disappointed after the meeting. The companion was not what they had hoped for. This unfortunate outcome may indicate that transference wishes were strong and very off target. Some e-mail companions may not have the opportunity to meet each other. In some cases, the relationship still thrives - though there may be periods when the conversation dwindles. In other cases, the e-mail contact fades away for good. A face-to-face meeting may have been needed to energize the relationship, or perhaps it was inevitable that the relationship would evaporate. Some people choose NOT to phone or meet in-person their e-mail companion, even though such meetings could be arranged. They prefer to limit the relationship to cyberspace. Perhaps they fear that their expectations and hopes will be dashed, or they feel more safe and comfortable with the relative anonymity of e-mail contact. They may be relishing the online fantasy they have created for themselves. Or they simply enjoy the e-mail relationship as it is and have no desire the develop the relationship any further. In all cases, choosing not to increase face-to-face contact with the e-mail partner is a choice not to make the relationship more intimate, well-rounded, or reality-based. Dual Relationships Experienced e-mailers often have friends and colleagues with whom they converse in-person and via e-mail on a regular basis. These dual relationships can be tricky. Sometimes the two realms become a bit dissociated from each other. The relationship starts to operate on two different psychological levels. Due to the lack of ftf cues in e-mail, thoughts and feelings that are difficult to express in-person may surface online. Those disclosures may occur consciously or unconsciously. Unless those disclosures are quickly brought into the ftf relationship, a gap starts to develop between the online encounters and the in-person meetings. It may become more and more difficult to speak in-person about what was said online. The ftf relationship may become uncomfortable, or feel stiff and shallow. It's best to prevent this uneasy situation before it starts. Even under the most benign of circumstances, you may experience a tiny psychological hurdle that needs to be jumped in order to bring the online encounter into the ftf encounter, and vice versa. But do jump it. The most rewarding outcome is an integrated in-person and e-mail relationship. Although e-mail certainly stands near the top of the list of important modern inventions, it comes with a price, as do many if not all inventions. In this complex and harried technological world we live in, e-mail can add to the stress of everyday living. A variety of factors contribute to e-mail induced stress:
Cross-Cultural E-mail On the positive side, the beauty of e-mail is that you have the opportunity to contact people from around the world. The challenge, however, is that people from around the world have different customs for conversing and developing relationships. At least some of the ideas discussed in this article may be culture-bound, applying mostly to Western, European, or specifically American people (which I am). A good rule of thumb in conversing with folks from other lands is to be appropriately polite, friendly, and as clear as possible in what you write. Stretch your e-mail empathy muscles. Unless you're very sure of your relationship with the person, avoid colloquialisms, slang, humor, innuendoes, and especially subtle attempts at cynicism and sarcasm, which can be difficult to convey in TextTalk even under the best of circumstances. It's much safer to start off polite and later loosen up as the relationship develops than it is to inadvertently commit a faux pas, find out that you indeed committed a faux pas, and then try to patch up the damage. Despite the cultural differences, the delight of doing international e-mail is discovering that there *is* a universal e-mail language. You'll feel a warm tingle of camaraderie when someone from a foreign land types you a :-)
About the Author John Suler, Ph.D. is Professor of Psychology at Rider University. This article comes from his online hypertext book The Psychology of Cyberspace which describes his ongoing research on how individuals and groups behave in cyberspace. His work has been reported by national and international media, including The New York Times, The Washington Post, the BBC, and CNN. www.rider.edu/~suler/psycyber/ More by John Suler, Ph.D. |
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