Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D

Question: Dear Dr. Ellen, my boyfriend and I have been together for over a year, and overall have a very loving and supportive relationship that seems to be leading towards a future together. (We currently do not live together.) I believe we could have a very successful relationship except for the one problem I have with him. He's a SMOKER! When I met him, I was well aware that he had this addiction, but because he was ashamed of it, he smoked minimally around me at first. When I became more aware of the habit, I figured that I could deal with it, especially because I liked him so much. But falling in love did just the opposite. It actually made me less tolerant! I love him so much that I don't want him to suffer the repercussions of being a smoker. I also feel that I could not live with a smoker. Some of my reasons are for my own well-being. I am allergic to cigarette smoke. My nose keeps itching and running and I feel that second-hand smoke is too dangerous to my health. I feel that I am also being practical because smoking wastes money, makes household items stink, and could be harmful to our future children. I've told my boyfriend all of this and he generally agrees with me. He has attempted several times to quit, by going “cold turkey” or using the patch. I even tried to help him stop. But he always starts again. He tells me he's definitely not going to smoke his whole life, and that he promises to quit if I ever got pregnant. But I know him, and I think he's just saying that to reassure me and himself, not because it will necessarily happen. I really want to find a way to make him stop, as awful and controlling as that sounds. I could choose to continue to nag, plead, and persuade him but it puts too much stress on our relationship. I do not feel that I will ever approve of his smoking habit, or be able to ignore how passionately I am against smoking. Please help me by giving me your opinion.

Answer: Based on what you have written to me I don't believe that you and your boyfriend have a good future together. He has an addiction and the motivation for his quitting must be so strong that it overrides the physical craving for cigarettes. Many times when a doctor tells someone that they have lung cancer or heart disease, that person stops smoking immediately. If a person is told that their liver is deteriorating they are usually motivated to stop drinking. The fear of dying is a tremendous motivator and can lead a person to choose living over dying. It's hard to admit to, but right now I think the fear of losing you is not enough of a reason for him to quit. It's interesting that, in his mind, a baby would be enough of a reason to quit, but not for you. You say that you have a loving and supportive relationship. Well, I question that. He had the decency to smoke minimally around you when he didn't know you that well. Now that he knows you very well, he smokes more, even though he knows that you have an allergic reaction - “my nose just keeps itching and running.” Both of you are an example of two people who are in love but simply a bad match. All the nagging in the world will not make him quit. People who have an addiction usually go for help or decide to change on their own when they finally lose everything and everyone who matters to them or their own health is at risk. Then, miraculously, they are motivated to change. At this point in his life, he doesn't believe that he'll get emphysema or lung cancer or heart disease. He also doesn't believe that he is risking your life as well. Increased health risk of non-smokers married to smokers is well-documented. Recent findings are concluding that second-hand smoke is linked to lung cancer and heart disease. It also contributes to many respiratory ailments among fetuses, infants and children. Nicotine can be measured in the blood of a pregnant woman exposed to second-hand smoke and it speeds up the heartbeat of the fetus. It also slows down the growth of babies' lungs and air passages and can cause miscarriages and still-births. Watching someone you love disregard their health every time they light up is one thing, but threatening your health and the health of your future baby is another. You have to make the decision to stay or not stay based on the fact that he will NEVER stop smoking. That should make your decision clearer for you. If you stay and keep nagging, pleading, and persuading him to stop, as you have done in the past, the result will be that he'll sneak behind your back, deceive you and lie to you, but he won't stop. You cannot make him stop or control him. The only one you have control over is yourself. The reason we have such a high divorce rate is because many people marry someone with the hope that they will change. I always tell people, “What you see is what you'll get.” - Dr. Ellen

About the Author

www.lightyourfire.com
For the past 20 years, Dr. Ellen has educated, motivated, and inspired thousands of men and women on how to put fun, romance, excitement and communication in their relationships. Through humor and personal experiences, she is able to captivate and relate to any type of audience, the dynamics of building a solid foundation for a more rewarding life. Through her audio cassettes, CD's, seminars, videos and books she has been teaching and communicating her message to men and women of all ages throughout the world. All of her efforts are designed to work together to achieve one ultimate goal: strengthen the fun, love and communication between two people. She has been happily married for 34 years, has three grown children and two grandchildren. www.lightyourfire.com