He was excited that he would become part of my husband's large family, but…

by Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D

Q: Dear Dr. Ellen: I was recently married after a two-year courtship. Because this is a second marriage for Bob and me, we had a private, small ceremony and an open house where we invited family only so they could get to know one another. My son John, 23, is an only child, and has few relatives. He was very excited that he would become part of my husband's large family, who has lots of “cousins.” A couple weeks prior to the wedding, my son asked me to speak to my husband's brothers and sisters and ask them to pass along that he was inviting his new cousins to his home after the open house, which was held in the early afternoon. He took a day off work to get ready. At the open house, he found out that none of my husband's brothers and sisters had mentioned this to their children, so he personally walked around to each new cousin to invite them to his home. I walked around with him to introduce him. Each cousin said they would be there. They were excited about getting together. None of them showed up. To make it worse, I overheard the cousins planning to go to a cousin's home, and John was not invited.

I think that John was hurt by this situation. Although he has not personally been invited to the Thanksgiving dinner that is being planned by Bob's family, I felt that I could invite him. He declined. When I talked to my husband, I mentioned that I thought John was somewhat hurt about the above incident. His reply was that they didn't mean anything by it, John should get over it, and he didn't want to discuss it again. I do not plan to be in the middle or even necessarily pursue anything, but now I am looking for peace of mind myself. I would appreciate any comments you may have.

A: It's hard to believe that in a two year courtship, your son would not have already met your husband's family at Christmas or Thanksgiving. As for this particular disappointment, since it was not a formal invitation, and John didn't call his cousins directly, I feel that your husband's brothers and sisters simply thought of it as a nice, casual, unplanned “afterthought” and it was not a big deal. I'm sure, if they did mention it to their own children, it was a “by the way, John wants to have the cousins over his home after the wedding.” Young adults, in their early 20's are all living their own lives and their parents have very little influence over what they do or don't do. His cousins probably felt uncomfortable going to John's house without really knowing him. For them, the less embarrassing way out, was to smile politely and have no real intention of going because they had already made other plans, not realizing how hurt he would be. How many times have you heard another adult say, “I'll call you” and they don't, or “We should get together soon,” and you never hear from them? I think that it will take time for his cousins to think of him as “family” and that happens over time and many family gatherings.

John sounds like a wonderful, mature, young man who has every reason to be hurt. He went out of his way to personally invite every one of them and they never showed up, after agreeing to come. The thing that concerns me the most is your husband's reaction. You would think that he would be concerned about his family's lack of sensitivity to his new step-son. Instead, his comment that “John should get over it, and he didn't want to discuss it again,” sounds very cold and insensitive to me. I would think that he would want to talk to John himself, just to praise him for what he tried to do, and let him know how he understands his disappointment.

You may want to talk to your son and tell him to try and make one more attempt by coming to Thanksgiving. Explain to him that they just don't really know him and that would be a great chance for them to see what a terrific young man he is. Most importantly, it would mean so much to you to have him there. He may think that now that you have a new family, you don't need him and that is the last thing you want him to think. Regardless of whether he agrees or not, you should validate his feelings and tell him how proud you are of him. - Dr. Ellen

About the Author

www.lightyourfire.com
For the past 20 years, Dr. Ellen has educated, motivated, and inspired thousands of men and women on how to put fun, romance, excitement and communication in their relationships. Through humor and personal experiences, she is able to captivate and relate to any type of audience, the dynamics of building a solid foundation for a more rewarding life. Through her audio cassettes, CD's, seminars, videos and books she has been teaching and communicating her message to men and women of all ages throughout the world. All of her efforts are designed to work together to achieve one ultimate goal: strengthen the fun, love and communication between two people. She has been happily married for 34 years, has three grown children and two grandchildren. www.lightyourfire.com