Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D

Q: Dear Dr. Ellen, I had been seeing this man for 9 months when something bizarre happened. When we first met, he had just come out of an ugly divorce. He wanted to take things VERY slowly as he was nervous about getting into a serious relationship too soon. I never wanted to force things so I gave him as much space and time as he needed. We saw each other once or twice during the week and then usually one day on the weekend. Things were going well and I thought it was progressing nicely. He always told me how important I was to him and that he knew I was “the one” but that he needed time. Well, I went to visit my family for two weeks and when I got back he called to let me know that he had gotten married that afternoon to a woman he met on the internet, 3 weeks before! I'm confused. Surely this isn't love. He told me that he was sorry and he still wants us to be best friends. I told him that to me, marriage is very sacred, and it is not appropriate that he should expect us to remain close. I am in shock! Any thoughts? How did this happen?

A:You have fallen in love with a very confused man who has not gotten over his divorce yet. I pity this new woman who is foolish enough to marry a man she has only known for 3 weeks. She must be a very desperate and lonely woman. Of course, the other possibility is, that this man has been in this relationship for a much longer time period and has been living a double life. That may be the real reason why he said he wanted to take things, “Very slowly.” I can respect a man who is not ready to date someone exclusively, especially after going through a nasty divorce, but lying and saying that he knew that “you were the one and just needed more time,” is inexcusable. He sounds like a very sneaky man who conveniently planned to get married while you were out of town.

He would like you to be his best friend? Not on your life! Do you really need a friend who has no morals or character? What he did to you was cruel and deliberate. You do not need someone like that in your life. What you need and deserve is a man who loves you with all his heart and soul and isn't dividing his time between two women. If you stay in contact with him, it will only prevent you from moving on. If it makes you feel any better, he will be divorced shortly and you'll be getting a call from him. It will be up to you to protect yourself from this impulsive and conniving man, who will only cause you more heartache and pain. Give yourself time and permission to grieve. Based on what you have told me, I really don't think you could have seen this coming and this is not your fault. He knew exactly what he was doing and anyone would be in shock, given what you just went through. Your trust has been violated and it is going to take a great deal of time to get over this. - Dr. Ellen

About the Author

www.lightyourfire.com
For the past 20 years, Dr. Ellen has educated, motivated, and inspired thousands of men and women on how to put fun, romance, excitement and communication in their relationships. Through humor and personal experiences, she is able to captivate and relate to any type of audience, the dynamics of building a solid foundation for a more rewarding life. Through her audio cassettes, CD's, seminars, videos and books she has been teaching and communicating her message to men and women of all ages throughout the world. All of her efforts are designed to work together to achieve one ultimate goal: strengthen the fun, love and communication between two people. She has been happily married for 34 years, has three grown children and two grandchildren. www.lightyourfire.com