Her daughter lives with us. Our relationships suffers and I can't address the problem

by Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D

Q: Dear Dr. Ellen, I have been married to a wonderful lady for almost three years. We both have children from previous marriages. My problem is related to her children. Her son is 30 and her daughter is 26 and a single mother. I am an understanding and compassionate person, but I feel that a line must be drawn somewhere. Her daughter has an apartment only four miles away, yet insists on sleeping at our house most of the time. I travel extensively during the week and would like some down time when I get home. This is hard to do when there is an 18 month old child, controlling who does what and when. I am told to turn the TV down, don't let the door slam, don't do this, don't do that......all because I might wake the baby. My wife thinks that her daughter is lonely and I agree. It's probably true, but she is not going to meet anyone, spending all of her time on our couch. I suspect the real reason that my wife sets her alarm clock everyday, is so that she can wake her daughter each morning. She also gets the baby up and ready for daycare while her daughter gets ready for work. This daughter even brags about how she keeps her place clean and how much lower her utility bills are. Well, of course, she spends all of her time at our house where she doesn't help cook or clean and she doesn't contribute to the groceries either. This also doesn't give my wife and me any time together. My relationship with my wife is suffering and I can't address the problem without causing an argument. Please offer some advise for a drowning marriage.

A: You did marry a wonderful woman who is a terrific mom and a loving grandmother. Because the divorce rate is so high, I think that many people have lost sight of what a family unit is really all about. First of all, just knowing that her daughter has to raise this child without a father, is very painful for your wife. Abandoning her on weekends at this time, when she is still so young and really needs her mom's help, both emotionally and physically, is unthinkable to me. It is going to take time for her daughter to sort things out and have a completely independent life of her own. She's obviously not lazy, since she is working full-time. Daycare is very expensive and if she is paying for that, there is probably not much left over for rent, groceries, etc. At this point in her life, she needs help with raising her child and no daycare center can ever give this child the kind of love a grandmother can. This will not last forever. She's only 26 and she will eventually meet a man and build a life with him. If you change your attitude and show support, you will look back on this time as a very meaningful part of your life. Chances are you'll be closer to your wife, a wonderful male role model for this child, and have a step daughter who will be forever grateful for your love and encouragement at a time when she needed it the most. If you continue having a chip on your shoulder and make your wife choose between you and her daughter, I believe that you will lose. You are gone during the week, so I am sure that your wife is lonely as well and welcomes her daughter's and grandchild's company. This is not something you should undermine. Here's what you can do. You can work out a schedule that will benefit everyone. Make sure that at least one night a week, you and your wife go out on a date. Also, why not make arrangements for you and your wife to go on an overnight stay at a hotel. If you create some exciting getaways and little mini vacations that you and her can look forward to, she'll feel like she has a partner and a teammate. - Dr. Ellen

About the Author

www.lightyourfire.com
For the past 20 years, Dr. Ellen has educated, motivated, and inspired thousands of men and women on how to put fun, romance, excitement and communication in their relationships. Through humor and personal experiences, she is able to captivate and relate to any type of audience, the dynamics of building a solid foundation for a more rewarding life. Through her audio cassettes, CD's, seminars, videos and books she has been teaching and communicating her message to men and women of all ages throughout the world. All of her efforts are designed to work together to achieve one ultimate goal: strengthen the fun, love and communication between two people. She has been happily married for 34 years, has three grown children and two grandchildren. www.lightyourfire.com