His grown children will not accept me. What can I do to keep my marriage?

by Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D

Q: Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband wants to leave me because he's tired of hurting me. His grown children, from a previous marriage, will not accept me and they will not let their kids come around me. My husband wants to be part of his grandchildren's lives. He's very close to his children and they are always having family gatherings. I am not invited and yet he goes because they want him there and he wants to be there too. He spends more time with them than with me. He has decided that he is not willing to give up his children and grandchildren for the sake of our marriage. What can I do to keep my marriage?

A: There is nothing you can do except to let him go. Once you do, he'll realize that he misses you and maybe then he will take a hard stand with his children. They should not be controlling his life. You are not some woman he just picked up. You are his wife!! If you are not welcome in their lives, then he should not be going to “family” functions. If they want their dad and their children's grandfather in their lives, then he should be insisting that they will have to accept you as his wife as well. What kind of a whimp did you marry? I know that it takes a long time to accept a new wife, but they will never be willing to do that if he doesn't demand that of his children. Tell him to pack his things and leave! When he begs you to take him back, and he will, don't you dare unless he is willing to call a family meeting and insist that you are going to be part of it. As hard as that would be, he needs to say, “I know that it will take a lot of time to accept that I have remarried. It's a choice that I have made and, as my children, I expect you to respect my decision. I would do the opposite for all of you. You may not agree with it, but it is my life and I will not pretend anymore that I am single. I am married to Maggie. All I am asking from all of you is to give her a chance. She is my wife and like it or not, she is part of my life now and wants to be part of yours. I'm asking you to give her the opportunity to get to know you and visa versa.” Then here's what you should say, “I know it's hard for you to accept the fact that your dad has remarried. I don't expect to be your mom or your children's grandmother. They already have that. I would just like to be your friend. If your father is invited to a family function, I would like the opportunity to attend as well. If I can't because there would be too much tension with your mom and him, then we can come at another time.”

The two of you have to be a team and if he's not willing to do that then I can't see the marriage surviving. - Dr. Ellen

About the Author

www.lightyourfire.com
For the past 20 years, Dr. Ellen has educated, motivated, and inspired thousands of men and women on how to put fun, romance, excitement and communication in their relationships. Through humor and personal experiences, she is able to captivate and relate to any type of audience, the dynamics of building a solid foundation for a more rewarding life. Through her audio cassettes, CD's, seminars, videos and books she has been teaching and communicating her message to men and women of all ages throughout the world. All of her efforts are designed to work together to achieve one ultimate goal: strengthen the fun, love and communication between two people. She has been happily married for 34 years, has three grown children and two grandchildren. www.lightyourfire.com