He wants to get back with me but dates other women

by Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D

Q: Dear Dr. Ellen: I have had an on again off again relationship with a man that I have had very strong feelings for. A month ago he told me he wanted to get back together (we had been apart for 3 months). But, because he had very strong feelings for me that he wasn't ready for, he asked that we take things very slowly. Slowly for him meant a list of “rules”. I could only see him once every month or 6 weeks, no calling on the phone, and if I wanted to ask him out that's OK but don't be upset if he didn't respond. By the way, that had to be by email. Since then I found out that, in fact, he is seeing about 8-10 women right now, none of whom know about each other. I happened to figure it out and asked him point blank. I, by the way, am the only one who had this list of rules. He was seeing the other women on a regular basis. I told him that I respected myself and I can't be just a number in a list of conquests. He became frustrated and said he can't understand why I am so upset about this. He told me he was going to tell me about one girl because he planned to take her to a mutual meeting place while she was visiting from out of state and he wanted me to know before I ran into them. ALL OF OUR MUTUAL FRIENDS HANG OUT IN THIS PLACE!! He admitted that if it wasn't for the fact that he planned to do that, he would never have told me about her. I have told him that I am not willing to play in any relationship this way. How can I stop myself from getting into relationships like this? I always seem to end up with men who start out hot and heavy and then decide that they can't commit. By the way, I am very religious and I date men from my religious group so we do not have sexual relationships.

A: You are no match for a “player” like this. It is impossible to tell in the beginning because they are usually very good at what they do. Because you are honest and truthful, you assume others are too. It's the way all people should be, but unfortunately that's not reality. If after your second date, a man is not available to see you and keeps making excuses that he has to take care of some personal or business matters before he is free to meet, consider that a red flag. He's letting you know that either he's not that interested or he is juggling his time between you and someone else. If he only gives you his cell phone number and refuses to give you his home number because he tells you that he has no phone or doesn't ever answer his home phone, consider that another red flag. There's a good chance that there is someone at home he doesn't want you to know about. If a man declares his undying love for you or “strong feelings”, when he hardly knows you, you can bet that this is a man who runs hot and cold and changes his mind at any given moment. If he tells you that he doesn't want to see you that much because he cares too deeply, don't walk, RUN as fast as you can.

The faster you get at recognizing that something is not quite right and begin paying attention to your gut feelings, the easier it will be to turn down a second or third date. You have to get good at seeing the red flages early on, so that you won't keep investing your emotions in men who are deceitful and secretive and wind up breaking your heart. There are too many good men waiting for you to discover them. - Dr. Ellen

About the Author

www.lightyourfire.com
For the past 20 years, Dr. Ellen has educated, motivated, and inspired thousands of men and women on how to put fun, romance, excitement and communication in their relationships. Through humor and personal experiences, she is able to captivate and relate to any type of audience, the dynamics of building a solid foundation for a more rewarding life. Through her audio cassettes, CD's, seminars, videos and books she has been teaching and communicating her message to men and women of all ages throughout the world. All of her efforts are designed to work together to achieve one ultimate goal: strengthen the fun, love and communication between two people. She has been happily married for 34 years, has three grown children and two grandchildren. www.lightyourfire.com