Bisexuality — Not Always a Musical, Part 2

by Sheldon Lewin LCSW, MBA

(Page 2 of 2)

How Common is Bisexuality?

It is not easy to say how common bisexuality is, since little research has been done on this subject; most studies on sexuality have focused on heterosexuals or homosexuals. Based on research done by Kinsey in the 1940s and 1950s, as many as 15-25% of women and 33-46% of men may be bisexual, based on their activities or attractions. Bisexuals are in many ways a hidden population. In our culture, it is generally assumed that a person is either heterosexual (the default assumption) or homosexual (based on appearance or behavioral clues.) Because bisexuality does not fit into these standard categories, it is often denied or ignored. According to The Straight Spouse Network, in at least 2 million marriages nationwide, a spouse will come out or will disclose being gay or bisexual.

Bisexual Relationships

Bisexuals, like all people, have a wide variety of relationship styles. Contrary to common myth, a bisexual person does not need to be sexually involved with both a man and a woman simultaneously. In fact, some people who identify as bisexual never engage in sexual activity with one or the other (or either) gender. As is the case for heterosexuals and gay men and lesbians, attraction does not involve acting on every desire. Like heterosexuals and gay people, many bisexuals choose to be sexually active with one partner only, and have long-term, monogamous relationships. Some bisexuals have open marriages, sometimes referred to as mixed orientation marriages in which one partner is straight and the other is bisexual or gay.

Bisexuality - Not Always A Musical

Irwin Winkler's portrayal of Cole Porter's bisexuality in DE-LVELY is immersed in romance, music, love. The actual experiences of many bisexuals are often quite the opposite. Without any language to frame their own reality, and no visible role models or community available to them, bisexual people must have sufficient self-confidence and belief in their own identity in order to accept and come to terms with themselves. While literally millions of people are bisexual, most keep their sexual orientation secret, so bisexual people as a group are nearly invisible in society.

Some researchers even note that being bisexual is in some ways is similar to being bi-racial. Mixed-race persons generally don't feel comfortable or accepted by people of either ethnic group, feeling that they don't belong or fit in anywhere, as their existence challenges the very concept of race. Like bisexual people, they spend most of their lives moving between two communities that don't really understand or accept them. Like biracial people, bisexual people must struggle to invent their own identities to correspond to their own experience. Forming a bisexual identity helps bisexual people to structure, to make sense of, and to give meaning and definition to their reality.

Perceptions of bisexuality have not come along way since the days of Cole Porter. Both the straight and gay/lesbian communities seem to have only two possible views of bisexuality, neither of which represents bisexual people accurately. The first is the "transitional view" of bisexuality, believing that all bisexuals are actually gay or lesbian but are just on the way to eventually coming out as gay. The other is the "pathological view", that bisexuals are neurotic or mentally unstable because they are in conflict trying to decide whether they are straight or gay/lesbian, and that they just can't make a decision. Both models see bisexuality as a temporary experience or a "phase" born out of confusion rather than an authentic sexual orientation equally as valid as heterosexuality or homosexuality.

Some people see bisexuality as inherently subversive because it blurs the boundaries, confronting both heterosexuals and gay men and lesbian women with sexual ambiguity. As a result, bisexuality challenges early concepts of sexuality, traditional relationship and family structures, monogamy, gender, and identity. Bisexuals cannot conform to the ethics of either the gay or straight world or they would not be bisexual. Instead they must re-invent personal ethics and values for themselves, and create responsible lifestyles and relationships that serve their needs even though they don't fit anyone else's rules. Bisexual people also have the problem of dealing with the emotional distress caused by our significant others whom they love but may not always understand or accept their attraction to both sexes.

AIDS has had a major impact on the bisexual community. Too often, bisexuals are accused of creating the widespread transmission of the "HIV virus, which causes "AIDS. In recent weeks, the media have started to revisit the story of the "down low" that was so popular last year. The "down low" is a term used to refer to black men who have sex with men but do not identify as bisexual or gay. USA Today's article on March 15, 2001, was the first to focus exclusively on the down low, but the story dramatically shifted the focus from black gay men to black women. "Black men who hide their bisexuality can put women at risk," the headline said. While "down low". presents a real concern for some men and their spouses or partners not all bisexual men should be viewed as transmitters of AIDS. Bisexual women too, have become scapegoats for the transmission of AIDS from the heterosexuals to lesbians. The need for more research, education, and better treatments, as well as an end to falsely labeling certain groups of people as transmitters for the disease is an immediate one.

Bisexuals experience much of the same kind of discrimination as gays and lesbians do, including discrimination in housing and employment, and may become victims of homophobic or anti gay violence. But they also have to suffer the double-edged-sword of also receiving discrimination by the lesbian and gay community itself. Bisexuals are sometimes perceived as "hiding homosexuals", a sense that some bisexuals use bisexuality to "pretend" to be heterosexual at work and general social events to enjoy the "heterosexual privilege". Also, bisexuals are sometimes seen as "weakening" the lesbian and gay movement. Another reason is that some gay men and lesbians sometimes also have sex with members of the opposite sex (while not identifying as bisexual). They often can't admit this within the lesbian and gay community (probably because of peer pressure), and see bisexuality as a threat to their own acceptance.

Support and Help for Bisexuals

Does any of the above sound familiar? Are you or someone you know struggling with ambivalence or confusion over your sexual orientation? Or are you ready to embrace a bisexual orientation? Are you seeking community to share your developing identity with others? If so, reach out for support now. Check out one of the many bisexual support groups or therapists to find a safe place to express your feelings and meet others who are going through similar experiences. One to one counseling or therapy can also be helpful in sorting out feelings and gaining clarity and self-confidence. Be careful to seek out a non-judgmental therapist who is supportive of bisexuality and has expertise in bisexual issues.

Last, but certainly not least, there are now many excellent books on bisexuality, which may help you understand and fully embrace your sexual orientation.

About the Author

Sheldon Lewin has a Masters degree in Social Work from Loyola University and is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) in private practice in Chicago specializing in the unique and complex needs of bisexual men, their spouses, and partners.Services offered include online, group, individual, and collaborative therapy.