We don't think she should have any dealings with him

by Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D

Question: My 19 yr. old granddaughter is 4 months pregnant and the father of the child is a 50 yr. old man. He has fathered numerous children and has several grandchildren. She was raised in our home since an infant and seems more like a daughter to us. She lives about 300 miles away and has been going to college and working on an accounting degree and is working as an accountant part-time during college and full-time in the summer, but barely getting by. Marriage is not even a consideration and she will not have any financial support from him, at all. Because we have voiced our hurt, shock, and sorrow she is no longer communicating with us. We love her very much, but don't think she should have any dealings with him. His reputation is well-known.

Her mother, who still lives with us, is not able to help her much with finances. We want to help and want her to come back "home" but don't want her seeing him. Are we out of line to ask that? He is 30 yrs. older and has no intention of supporting a family and has a reputation for seducing young college girls. Her aunt has suggested putting the baby up for adoption but she says she doesn't want to, but we can't see how she can possibly go to school and work and she's too far away for family to help. Your advice would be appreciated.

Answer: It sounds like you have raised a very strong-willed granddaughter who, at this time, is too proud to admit that she made a very big mistake and needs help. Feelings, however, change and just because she feels that way now, doesn't mean that she will feel the same way once the baby is born.

I know that you are all hurting right now because you feel so helpless. Unfortunately, your granddaughter has to go on her own journey through life and learn her own lessons. You can't put your adult brain with all your life experiences into your granddaughter's head.

My advice is to write her a letter and tell her how much you love her and you will always be there for her no matter what she decides to do. The fact that her mother still lives with you sounds like she has made some poor choices as well. All you can do is keep the door open and tell her that you will honor whatever choices she makes and be there for her every step of the way. This way, when she needs you she will call. Right now, she wants to continue living away from her family because in her mind that is better than coming home to criticism, ridicule and demands. At this point she may still think that this man is truly in love with her and will support her and the baby. You already know that reality will be very different but you can't speed up the time for her to come to the same realization. She'll have to go through the pain and hopefully, when she does, she'll call if she knows that you won't give her a hard time and you'll support her decisions.

She is the only one who can decide whether she wants to keep her baby or not. She will have to live with that decision for the rest of her life and it should be hers to make. I have seen too many women who were forced to give up their babies, only to regret it for the rest of their lives. As for having any dealings with the father of her child, that too is up to her as well.

Kahlil Gibran, a poet and philosopher in 1923 said, that our children are on loan for a very short period of time and you may give them your love, but not your thoughts because they have their own. - Dr. Ellen

About the Author

www.lightyourfire.com
For the past 20 years, Dr. Ellen has educated, motivated, and inspired thousands of men and women on how to put fun, romance, excitement and communication in their relationships. Through humor and personal experiences, she is able to captivate and relate to any type of audience, the dynamics of building a solid foundation for a more rewarding life. Through her audio cassettes, CD's, seminars, videos and books she has been teaching and communicating her message to men and women of all ages throughout the world. All of her efforts are designed to work together to achieve one ultimate goal: strengthen the fun, love and communication between two people. She has been happily married for 34 years, has three grown children and two grandchildren. www.lightyourfire.com