This is not the first time my husband has not stood up for me

by Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D

Dear Dr. Ellen: A pool salesman was at my house today. He was a high-pressure type of salesman. You know the type. They offer you a better deal if you are ready to sign on the dotted line today. I made mention of the fact that I did not appreciate his type of sales tactics. I had already told him at the beginning of his presentation that I get 3 estimates and presentations BEFORE I sign anything. Well anyway, he didn't like that I suggested he was a high pressure salesman and told me he never quite had that kind of reaction before. Basically he was mad because he didn't make the deal and decided that he was going to put me in my place. Well, that just didn't go over well with me and I told him so. But what really upset me was the way my husband was acting. He got up from the table, went into the kitchen when this guy and I got into it. Then on top of that he told me that I should stop. I felt this guy was insulting me in my own house, and said "whatever" and just left the table. I called one of myfriends, told her what happened and she said her husband would have defended her. I felt my husband should have done the same. I was really mad and called my husband a "pansy" and that his sister told me once he was afraid of his own shadow. This is not the first time my husband has not stood up for me. He acts like he is scared of conflict. I don't like it either, but I'm not going to let someone disrespect me in my own home. I don't know what to do about my relationship with my husband now. Everything happens for a reason, so maybe this needed to happen. Any advice is appreciated.

Dear Betty: I believe that you fell in love with your husband because he probably has a low-key personality and is easygoing and relaxed. The fact that he is a peaceful and agreeable man who avoids conflicts doesn't make him a "pansy." You could have simply thanked the salesman for coming and said, "My husband and I will talk it over. I really appreciate your time and we'll get back to you." If he tried to pressure you after that, you could have said, "That's a great deal and I really appreciate that offer but we never make a decision without thinking about it for a few days and getting a few more estimates."

To begin with, it is very risky in this day and age to invite a stranger into your home under any circumstances. He was obviously very unprofessional and the fact that he got mad at you could have escalated into a volatile situation. I am sure that your husband was very uncomfortable, didn't want this to escalate and just wanted him to leave. Everyone has a different way of dealing with conflict and many times a man doesn't defend a woman because he feels that her reaction is too extreme and inappropriate and he would have handled it in a different way. Your husband has obviously seen you in "action" before and knew you could handle yourself. Your friend may be someone who does not speak up and depends on her husband to do it for her. In any case, I don't feel that your friend's response was constructive. She could have taken a more neutral position or given your husband the benefit of the doubt. Instead, you complained about your husband and she made matters worse by saying that her husband would never do that.

Every woman wants to have a knight in shining armour who will save her from harm or in this case verbal abuse from a stranger. However, the way you went about it was hurtful and wrong. You will never achieve what you want by demeaning your husband and using his sister's hurtful comment to support your position. A more effective approach anytime your husband disappoints you is to describe what happened and then let him know what you would have preferred to have happened instead. For example, in this situation, you would have said, "When you saw him getting mad, I would have liked to hear you say", "We always discuss all of our options and we are not making a decision tonight. I'm sorry that you are disappointed but it's how we do things." I would have then felt supported by you.

Attacking his manhood will only alienate him further. He doesn't instinctively know what you expect from him. By calmly taking each situation and explaining what you need from him in order to feel protected and supported will eventually get the desired response you are looking for. You need to learn how fragile a man's ego is and how to get what you want by building him up and not tearing him down. He, on the other hand, needs to learn that every woman wants a man who will support and protect her - someone she can lean on. I'm sorry to be so hard on you, but I see too many marriages end in divorce because both people didn't know how to make the other person feel good about themselves. - Dr. Ellen

About the Author

www.lightyourfire.com
For the past 20 years, Dr. Ellen has educated, motivated, and inspired thousands of men and women on how to put fun, romance, excitement and communication in their relationships. Through humor and personal experiences, she is able to captivate and relate to any type of audience, the dynamics of building a solid foundation for a more rewarding life. Through her audio cassettes, CD's, seminars, videos and books she has been teaching and communicating her message to men and women of all ages throughout the world. All of her efforts are designed to work together to achieve one ultimate goal: strengthen the fun, love and communication between two people. She has been happily married for 34 years, has three grown children and two grandchildren. www.lightyourfire.com