Seeing her like this is really stealing my joy

by Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D

Problem: My mom has suffered from depression for years. I am 37 years old and through the years, all her happiness has seemed to come from me and my family. I am happily married with three children. She is a wonderful grandma to my children. Her depression is getting worse. She sleeps up to 16 hours a day, sometimes doesn't bathe for several days. This affects me greatly, I get depressed and angry and frustrated and it affects my family and my mental state. This is my question. My husband and I really want to move out of state so I can be a full time mom and we have asked her to come with us. She says she won't. Would I be a horrible daughter if I left her alone with her depression and went and lived the life I want for my family? I am so tired of seeing her like this but I really want to do the right thing. She has been under a doctor's care for years and nothing has helped her. She takes so many pills, even I as a nurse, can't keep track of the pills she takes. I just feel there's nothing I can do and seeing her like this is really stealing my joy. I hope that doesn't sound selfish. We have wanted to move for years and we have never moved for her sake. I look forward to hearing from you.

Advice: You are a wonderful daughter, who has always been there for your mom. The fact that you have asked her to move with you only proves my point. Given what you have told me, you will only resent your mom more and more if you stay and don't seize this opportunity. Your mom may change her mind in 6 months or a year from now when she feels the loss of her grandchildren. Most people don't realize that feelings are temporary. Just because she feels a certain way now, doesn't mean she'll always feel like that.

I know this is a very tough decision for you. You love her very much and don't want to hurt her. Often, in making a decision, you have to ask yourself, "Which feels less worse?" Most people think that once they make a decision, they will feel great. That's not usually what happens. I believe that no matter what decision you make in this case, you'll feel terrible. You'll feel badly about leaving her but I think you'll feel worse if you don't give this new life a chance. I know it will break your heart for a while but eventually you'll come to terms with it and make the best of it. Thank goodness for email, picture cell phones and special deals on airline tickets. If it hurts too much, your mom will come out and consider your initial offer.

You may move and a year later decide it was not a good decision. No decision has to be permanent. When my husband and I got married, we moved 3,000 miles away from our families because we wanted a new adventure, to be on our own in a new city. We had lived all of our lives in N.Y. and wanted to experience the West Coast. We broke our parent's hearts as we packed up and left for our cross country journey. When I became pregnant with my first child, a couple of years later, we decided to move back home. Two years after that, we were back in California for good. I am sure that you have brought a tremendous amountof joy and companionship to your mom and maybe it's time for her to consider your well-being and happiness. I always teach parents that they should give their children roots and then wings. It sounds like it's time for you to fly! - Dr. Ellen

About the Author

www.lightyourfire.com
For the past 20 years, Dr. Ellen has educated, motivated, and inspired thousands of men and women on how to put fun, romance, excitement and communication in their relationships. Through humor and personal experiences, she is able to captivate and relate to any type of audience, the dynamics of building a solid foundation for a more rewarding life. Through her audio cassettes, CD's, seminars, videos and books she has been teaching and communicating her message to men and women of all ages throughout the world. All of her efforts are designed to work together to achieve one ultimate goal: strengthen the fun, love and communication between two people. She has been happily married for 34 years, has three grown children and two grandchildren. www.lightyourfire.com