What can I do to convince him that my feelings count?

by Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D

Problem: Dear Dr. Ellen I am sad and angry at the same time. My husband is constantly looking at pictures of unclothed women in magazines and wherever we go he flirts with other women. If we are at a party he ignores me and spends the whole evening talking to a pretty woman. If we are in a restaurant he flirts with the waitress or someone sitting at another table. We are only married for a year and he didn't do that when we were dating. It seemed then that he only had eyes for me and no one else existed. I find it very hard to make love to him because I feel so awful. He brushes my hurt feelings off as silly and tells me all men are like that. What can I do to convince him that my feelings count?

Advice: Most men enjoy looking at beautiful women. However, once a man falls in love and gets married, he has more than himself to consider. My definition of true love is, "When someone else's happiness and well-being is just as important as your own." The fact that you have told him how unhappy his behavior makes you feel, means that he either doesn't take you seriously or he doesn't care. I'm going to assume that he does care about you and your job is to show him that you are very serious about wanting him to stop doing this and you won't tolerate his behavior any longer.

Make one more attempt to sit him down and tell him how deeply hurt you are when he looks at women in magazines or flirts with other women when you are out together. Ask him how he would feel if you were doing the same thing with other men? Then in that same conversation, I want you to explain the future consequences of his behavior when you are out in public. Let him know that the next time he flirts, you will leave immediately. Your job is to follow through. If you are at a restaurant, do not say a word, just get up and call a cab and go home. If you are at a party, ask someone if they could give you a ride home, drive yourself or again call a cab. You have to act immediately with no more explanations. You have already told him what you would do, so in order for him to take you seriously, you have to follow through. It is the only way his behavior will change. You do not want to turn into a nag every time you go out together. The truth is that if he continues this behavior, you will turn into an angry, cold, bitter and unresponsive woman. A mature and loving man knows that he has to sacrifice certain things for the sake of a marriage. When you become parents, there are even more sacrifices for the sake of the children. You may want to "party" till 4:00 a.m. but, if you are a responsible and loving parent, you know that your child needs you to be alert the next day, so you don't! If looking at women in magazines and flirting with strangers hurts your partner, then you simply control your impulse and don't do it! By the way, you can't stop him from looking at other women when he is not with you, but, out of love and respect, he can and should not do that when he is with you. As for the pictures, if he truly cares about your happiness, then he will get rid of them as well. You might want to have some fun and research a photographer in your area that does Boudoir Photography. Then for the next special occasion like his birthday or your anniversary you can present them to him with a card that says, "For Your Eyes Only." - Dr. Ellen

About the Author

www.lightyourfire.com
For the past 20 years, Dr. Ellen has educated, motivated, and inspired thousands of men and women on how to put fun, romance, excitement and communication in their relationships. Through humor and personal experiences, she is able to captivate and relate to any type of audience, the dynamics of building a solid foundation for a more rewarding life. Through her audio cassettes, CD's, seminars, videos and books she has been teaching and communicating her message to men and women of all ages throughout the world. All of her efforts are designed to work together to achieve one ultimate goal: strengthen the fun, love and communication between two people. She has been happily married for 34 years, has three grown children and two grandchildren. www.lightyourfire.com