How Can I Make A Change For The Better In My Parenting?

by Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D

Dear Dr. Ellen: Once again thank you for helping to save my marriage by sharing the incredible tools you do. My question is about kids though. How can I make a change for the better in my parenting? I stay home with my 3 boys and homeschool the oldest two. So I'm with them usually 24/7. I have trouble with telling them something to do and they don't act on it right away or they have a better idea. How could I be more effective at getting them to do the things they have to do every day? Also, a lot of these things I feel they should already be doing on their own and shouldn't have to be told to, like get up, get dressed, go eat, get a shower, comb your hair and brush you teeth. Then school is another matter too. I have to really stay on them to get back to work and get it done. What am I doing wrong? Also the other big thing is the fighting. They fight constantly, arguing about almost everything. Do you have any suggestions for curbing this? What kind of correction do you use? The boys ages are 12, 8 and 4. I sure hope you can help.

Dear Charlotte: I remember an episode of The Cosby Show where the youngest daughter, Rudy, refused to eat her brussels sprouts. After much coaxing and pleading Cosby became annoyed. He tells Rudy that she's not going to get up from the table unless she eats her brussel sprouts, and he doesn't care if it takes all night and all the next day. He and his wife go upstairs and get ready to go out for the evening. Rudy is still sitting at the dinner table with the sprouts on her plate. After a while her older sister comes in with her friends. They rearrange the furniture and roll up the rug. When Rudy asks what they are doing, her sister tells her they are going to dance. Rudy asks if she can dance, too, and her sister says, "You can, if you eat your brussel sprouts." She had hardly finished the sentence before Rudy had eaten all of her brussel sprouts.

You're probably wondering why I told you this story. The point is, we all want to know what's in it for us if we do what someone else wants us to do. For Rudy, the reward of getting up from the table isn't enough for her to endure the torture of eating the brussel sprouts, but the chance to dance with her sister and her friends was. Like Rudy, we all want some return for our effort. Often, the reward for a job well done is monetary, but many studies show that people will do more for praise than they will do for a paycheck. Attention, praise, appreciation, acceptance, and admiration are all motivators for us to do something that pleases another person.

Praise is one of the most valuable teaching tools and motivators that you can use as a parent. If you have a child who has been difficult to handle and hasn't helped with the chores, I'd like you to try this experiment. For one entire day, don't criticize the child in any way. Instead, seize every opportunity to praise him or her. Observe the child closely and praise them lavishly for any little thing they do, such as carrying a plate from the table to the kitchen sink. You can say something like, "Oh, thanks so much for pitching in. I really appreciate it." If your child helps you carry a package, be sure to say, "What would I do without you? You are such a great help to me." You'll find that, as your child's behavior is noticed and praised, they will become more and more helpful.

Something that that will change your life immediately is to find a "Teaching Supply" store in your area. Get a big chart (They have many different ones that are used for the classroom) with a box of large gold stars. On that chart put every chore that you want done, like making their bed, cleaning up their room, waking up when the alarm rings etc. Also include the behavior that you would like to see. For example:

Say "Please" and "Thank You" to brother, Give brother a hug, Share a game or toy, Is quiet when mommy is on the phone, etc.

Then pick a reward system that you feel comfortable with. Some people like to give each star a point and when you get so many points you get to go and pick out a present. Other's give a monetary value to eachstar. It could be a penny, a nickle, dime or quarter depending on your financial situation. Then, once a week, they get to spend their money anyway they like. It's also a great lesson to take them to a toy store and write down exactly what they want and how much it costs. Then when you get home, figure out how many stars and how long it will take for them to earn that money. The four year old will probably want immediate gratification but the older ones may want to save up for a few months in order to get something more valuable. The point is that their behavior will be rewarded and I think you'll see a remarkable change in all of them. You will also be teaching them math, how to earn money and how to save up for something they want. It is a wonderful way to build a child's self-esteem and give you a more pleasant day! - Dr. Ellen

About the Author

www.lightyourfire.com
For the past 20 years, Dr. Ellen has educated, motivated, and inspired thousands of men and women on how to put fun, romance, excitement and communication in their relationships. Through humor and personal experiences, she is able to captivate and relate to any type of audience, the dynamics of building a solid foundation for a more rewarding life. Through her audio cassettes, CD's, seminars, videos and books she has been teaching and communicating her message to men and women of all ages throughout the world. All of her efforts are designed to work together to achieve one ultimate goal: strengthen the fun, love and communication between two people. She has been happily married for 34 years, has three grown children and two grandchildren. www.lightyourfire.com