He sits at home on the computer all day playing games and is not looking for work

by Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D

Dear Dr. Ellen: I have been married for 13 years. For 10 of those years my husband worked at the same job with me. Three years ago he decided he was burnt out and quit his job. He has had many jobs since but none have been steady. For the past 6 months he has been out of work. I have been carrying the financial burden all on my own and I feel some resentment. He sits at home on the computer all day playing games and is not looking for work. Our family and friends put him down all the time because he's not providing for me properly. I feel so many things but the main thing is I am thinking about cutting him loose and making him stand on his own two feet. I love him and I hate to throw 13 years of marriage away, but I don't know what else to do. When I talk to him about looking for work, he gets angry and lashes out, saying I don't love him. Please help!

Dear Veronica: A man's worth is not measured by having a job outside the home. If he does the cleaning, shopping for food and cooking while you work, I'd say that you have a man who is contributing quite a bit. He may be doing a job search and using the computer to find work. If that is the case, your husband should be praised and encouraged, especially if your family and friends are putting him down. The more he is criticized, the lower his self-esteem becomes and the harder it is to go out looking for work. You have to be the one person who believes in him even if the world doesn't. On the other hand, if he truly does nothing but play computer games, the house is a mess, the refrigerator is empty and the wash is piled high, you may be living with a man who is suffering from depression. Many people experience a lack of motivation at some point in their lives, especially if you have been looking for a job for 6 months without any success. But a severe or prolonged depression that interferes with his ability to function is an illness that is caused by a biochemical imbalance in the brain. In that case he needs medical attention.

If you feel that he is refusing to look for a job because he is comfortable and just plain lazy, then you have to let him know that his behavior is unacceptable and give him a time limit to find a job. If he shows no effort at all and you feel he's not clinically depressed, then it may just be time for him to be on his own. I believe that you should give him a clear message in a loving way. Here's what I would say: "I love you with all my heart but cannot stay in a marriage that is not an equal partnership. If you are depressed, we need to go to a doctor and get help. If you feel that you don't need medical help, then you have to put more effort into finding a job. If you are doing your best to try and find a position, I will stand by your side forever. If however, you do nothing and show no signs of progress, then we will have to separate until you can take care of yourself." Then your job is to carry it through. It might just be the motivation he needs to become more self-sufficient. - Dr. Ellen

About the Author

www.lightyourfire.com
For the past 20 years, Dr. Ellen has educated, motivated, and inspired thousands of men and women on how to put fun, romance, excitement and communication in their relationships. Through humor and personal experiences, she is able to captivate and relate to any type of audience, the dynamics of building a solid foundation for a more rewarding life. Through her audio cassettes, CD's, seminars, videos and books she has been teaching and communicating her message to men and women of all ages throughout the world. All of her efforts are designed to work together to achieve one ultimate goal: strengthen the fun, love and communication between two people. She has been happily married for 34 years, has three grown children and two grandchildren. www.lightyourfire.com