(Page 3 of 3)

Achieving transformation and growth requires three critical steps: self-ownership, self-appraisal, and self-management (SOAM). The SOAM model is a cogent, practical working model of personal transformation that is dependent only on oneself. It is also that is easily taught to others. While griefwork transformation applies to times when loss forms the vehicle of change, the SOAM model of transformation can be utilized at any time in the life cycle.

SELF-OWNERSHIP

Self-ownership is the assumption step. In order to initiate transformation, we must assume full responsibility for our own life rather than ascribing responsibility to other people, places, and things. The tendency to blame others is known as externalizing, and is a defense against change, growth, and responsibility. In order to free ourselves from externalizing, we must realize that we cannot control anything that is outside of ourselves, and nothing outside of ourselves can control or cause our actions. Loss often causes individuals to attempt dependency on others who assume a supportive role. The leaning (on another), which then occurs, can cause resentment or hostility towards the supportive figure, because people inherently want self-sufficiency in the long term. Over dependency on another also runs the risk of blaming them, when in fact; the problem is with ourselves for depending too much. When we assume self-ownership, the blaming ends. As architects of our own lives, all our actions and reactions are entirely our own. Realizing the inevitability of this fact leaves us free to create an infinite number of new actions and reactions. Hence, we assume the power to exert change in our lives.

SELF-APPRAISAL

Self-appraisal is the reflection step. Once we have assumed ownership of our life, we can begin to subject it to appraisal by reflecting on our thoughts, feelings, and behavior. This includes exploration of our earliest experiences in childhood and our genetic influences, which together formed the foundation of our early emerging selves. Self-appraisal can be done in many different ways. Because this process can create discomfort by disturbing the status quo, self-appraisal must be mindful, conscious, and vigorous. Frequent self-appraisal helps to offset the self-delusions and other defense mechanisms created to avoid discomfort.

Reflecting on our ideas, feelings, and behavior is similar to the process of taking one s inventory in 12 Step Programs. We take an objective look at whom we are and what we have to work with. When we begin to recognize our patterns and our weaknesses, the opportunity for change arises.

Through self-appraisal, we begin to understand how our decisions about people, life, and love affect our conduct of living. Our decisions are based on our beliefs about life, and are not always made on a conscious level. In order to change, we must become consciously aware of our decisions and be able to modify them. We then have options that we can be ready and willing to take.

SELF-MANAGEMENT

Self-management is the action step. We begin to form new behaviors based on what we learned through self-ownership and self-appraisal. The implementation of new behavior initially may feel awkward and unnatural, but the important thing is that the new behavior is real. The old adages action speaks louder than words and the smallest deed is worth more than the grandest intention reinforce the importance of action. We can spend our entire lives planning an incredible journey, but until we take the first step, we go nowhere! The more the new behavior is repeated, the more natural it feels and it becomes second nature.

Positive new behavior gives rise to increased self-esteem, which provides further motivation to sustain new behavior and initiate further change. For the alcoholic, going a day without alcohol may create enough self-esteem to spur him or her to try the same tomorrow. For the codependent, new behavior may involve letting go of controlling others or being firm when they say no.

The SOAM model of transformation is an evolving process through which we grow and try to become what we desire to be. Because our desires change, it is important to recognize that the process of transformation is a life-long process. The steps of self-ownership, self-appraisal, and self-management are ongoing and require mindful effort and repetition to transform us into a new self.

Tags: Personal Growth

About the Author

www.relationshiphandbook.com
Jan Maizler, MSW, LCSW, is a veteran psycho- therapist practicing in Miami, Florida. He has authored six books and over eighty articles.