I have met a wonderful man but he is married …

by Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D

Dear Dr. Ellen: I need some advice. I have met a wonderful man. We work in the same organization. He is married and has clearly stated that his marriage is not going anywhere. I have not become involved with him romantically, and have kept him literally hanging on until he has severed his ties. However, he and I have become very close and he depends on me for moral support. Many who know us think that we are involved romantically, but this is not so. His wife has been unfaithful so he thinks it's fair game to see someone else. Because when we meet other people he never says that we are just friends, he has left some doubt in the minds of people as to our "real" relationship. We also have developed a church connection and both go to church together. What has happened also is that his children have become very close to me and I have no idea what they are thinking. Where is this all leading? The bottom line is that we are attracted to each other and he has stated that he wants to be with me. He feels inadequate now because he cannot offer me what he feels I should have. I am very fond of him and he is of me. Please offer me some advice.

Dear Sue: Many men feel that the solution to a marriage that isn't working is to remain married and have an ongoing affair. If he hasn't left his wife and filed for divorce, then there is something keeping him there. It could be love, finances, security, family, companionship, pity, etc. You are the one that has to choose whether you can keep doing what you are doing. He's perfectly happy with the arrangement and wants it to continue. If you give in and become involved with him romantically, there is a good chance that he will never get a divorce. You really should take a stand and tell him that you care about him and want to have a relationship with him but ONLY when his divorce is final. If you don't make him choose, then he may stay in limbo forever. He also may be very angry and lonely now that his wife has been unfaithful and is looking for someone to heal his wounds. You cannot mistake loneliness and pain for love. I believe in the saying, "Actions speak louder than words." It doesn't matter what he says. It matters what he does. If he is willing to have an affair with you while he's married, he'll do the same to you some day because he lacks character. I also believe that you should conduct your life living by the following rule: Never do anything to anyone that you wouldn't want done to you. If your marriage was in trouble, you would not want another woman stepping in until your marriage ended. If I were you I'd wait until he is free before getting deeply involved. You deserve to have a man who loves you with all his heart and soul and isn't dividing his time between two women. You should be the one who is waking up next to the man you love, not his wife. - Dr. Ellen

About the Author

www.lightyourfire.com
For the past 20 years, Dr. Ellen has educated, motivated, and inspired thousands of men and women on how to put fun, romance, excitement and communication in their relationships. Through humor and personal experiences, she is able to captivate and relate to any type of audience, the dynamics of building a solid foundation for a more rewarding life. Through her audio cassettes, CD's, seminars, videos and books she has been teaching and communicating her message to men and women of all ages throughout the world. All of her efforts are designed to work together to achieve one ultimate goal: strengthen the fun, love and communication between two people. She has been happily married for 34 years, has three grown children and two grandchildren. www.lightyourfire.com