Wife Repressed In Being Able To both Communicate and Express Her Sexuality

by Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D

Dear Dr. Ellen: We’ve been married for 28 years, and my wife has been very, very repressed in being able to both communicate and also being able to express her sexuality. We’ve been in therapy for this for 2 years and it’s getting better, but my patience is about at an end. I need for her to open up to me, both verbally and physically. She’s making such slow progress that I just don’t know if I can wait too much longer. I have felt miserable, frustrated and depressed for a long time now. Maybe it’s time to just accept that I can’t change her and I should get a divorce and starting a new relationship. I don’t want to throw away my marriage, but she openly admits that being physical is just isn’t important to her, and it, very much is to me (it’s a rejection issue for me). Any suggestions?

Dear Stan: I believe that opposites attract and that we each have something to learn from our mate and to teach our mate. It is usually a man who teaches a woman that her body is beautiful and something to be proud of and enjoy. He also teaches her to become more physical, to enjoy being intimate, to relax and have fun. This is natural for a man because most of his life he reacts in a physical way. A man gets easily aroused by looking at a woman whether it be on film or in a magazine. His response is immediate and his reactions tend to be physical. If a man is a great lover, he has learned how to be tender, understanding, appreciate his woman, and have sensitivity and patience. For a woman, sex is not an immediate reaction. It’s usually a decision she makes mentally, not physically, when she is in the mood. If your wife has told you that sex is not important to her, it may be a result of a lack of emotional fulfillment. If there is not a feeling of closeness, caring and understanding, she will not respond in the bedroom. Her mind is in control of her body.

As for her ability to communicate, I’m going to assume that you’ve always been the more verbal and outgoing one. I teach people that you need to see your mate’s traits in the same loving light as you did at the beginning of your relationship. You were attracted to your mate because of your differences. Can you imagine if you and your mate were both verbal? You’d always be competing for air time. If you were both quiet types, the silence would drive you crazy. Since you are the more verbal partner, the responsibility for deepening your communication will probably be yours. Encourage her to speak more and when she does, make sure you listen. Just because you have a different communication style doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate each other. I’m sure you’ve told your wife how unhappy you are with her. If she agreed to go to therapy there was a definite desire on her part to improve her communication skills and express her sexuality. Don’t give up now when you are finally seeing some improvement, no matter how small. She’s finally making some progress and it’s important to let her know how much that means to you. If you remain critical, demanding and impatient, there will never be any reason for her to try to please you or make some changes.

Think about all the life experiences you’ve shared and memories you have. Don’t throw it all away. Something has kept you together for 28 years and I think with a little more tenderness and support, you’ll have another 28! - Dr. Ellen

About the Author

www.lightyourfire.com
For the past 20 years, Dr. Ellen has educated, motivated, and inspired thousands of men and women on how to put fun, romance, excitement and communication in their relationships. Through humor and personal experiences, she is able to captivate and relate to any type of audience, the dynamics of building a solid foundation for a more rewarding life. Through her audio cassettes, CD's, seminars, videos and books she has been teaching and communicating her message to men and women of all ages throughout the world. All of her efforts are designed to work together to achieve one ultimate goal: strengthen the fun, love and communication between two people. She has been happily married for 34 years, has three grown children and two grandchildren. www.lightyourfire.com