Giving Thanks: A Holiday Plan For Singles

by Toni Coleman, LCSW

Is it almost the holiday season already? Another year has passed and here you are, anticipating what…?

Do you approach this "season of joy" with a feeling of dread or at the very least, with the thought of "just getting through it"?

Do these experiences sound familiar?

• feeling exhausted and/or burned out by the level of activity or the expectations of others
• sadness/melancholy over not having a "significant other" to share the holiday with
• feeling peripheral at family gatherings
• debating going somewhere new/far away to escape it all
• staying at home alone and pretending it's just another day

If you can relate to any of the above, it's time to begin planning for a better holiday season. After all, this is a time for everyone, regardless of his or her marital state.

The following tips are offered to help you design a holiday experience that is right for you. After you read through them, put your plan into place as soon as possible.

1. Begin by taking some time to reflect on what is meaningful to you. Specifically, what experiences would be most valuable to you during this time?

Some examples of this are:

• time with friends and/or other single adults
• time with family
• extra rest and relaxation
• taking on the role of a giver in some project or volunteer opportunity
• quiet time to catch up on work, projects, etc.

As you look at your list, prioritize each according to its importance. Then go over your schedule and block out a realistic and appropriate amount of time for them. It is important to get your plans in place early. Call family, friends and others to arrange for visits and social events. Be specific. Check out opportunities around you to volunteer some time to others in need, if this is something you want to do.

Make sure you leave time for rest, relaxation and decompression. If you need catch up time, put it in the schedule.

If you don't do any planning, chances are that the holiday will follow its usual pattern, and leave you feeling how…?

2. Make a decision to take good care of yourself over the holidays. Here are some basic dos:

• limit stress - don't over commit
• plan for relaxation and exercise (walking through the mall is good)
• pace yourself and take your time. Rushing will only slow you down.
• Strive for balance. Don't let demands and responsibilities lead you to ignore the other parts of your life and/or your basic needs.
• Eat right, get enough sleep

3. Focus on what is good in your life NOW.

It's hard to give thanks if all we see are the things that are problematic or missing. Make a list of your achievements, strengths, assets and other positives. Say a few words of appreciation each day; in whatever way you do this. Giving thanks can be a powerful experience that shifts your feelings and outlook away from the negative, provides hope for the future and raises incentive for making the changes you desire.

Chances are that many (most) years, you reflect on last year's holidays while wondering what next year could be like. Remember that the decisions you make today and the actions you take, will help determine your level of personal satisfaction and achievement in the future. Since you will most likely attract the kind of person you project yourself to be, your positive feelings and behavior should bring you closer to the relationship you seek.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q. I know this sounds selfish, but I'm feeling some resentment just at the thought of the holidays this year. My sibs (who are married with kids), and I spend the bulk of the holidays at our parents' house. It seems that because I'm "the single one", it's expected that I have plenty of time and flexibility that no one else has. I clean, cook, help out with the kids and generally get the couch or some other open place to sleep, because I "don't need the privacy".

I love my family and enjoy the kids. I just don't like the feeling of being second class because I'm single. Do I need an attitude adjustment? Any suggestions?

A. I've heard this before. You are not alone. Unfortunately, single people are often seen as having more time and control over their schedule. The reality is that you are very busy too. You have different responsibilities and demands. not less.

You will not have much success trying to change the view of the married people in your life. Therefore, you need to change what YOU are doing.

Begin by looking at the amount of time you spend with family. This includes getting to and from your parents' home. Can you arrive later and leave earlier and still get to bask in the intimacy and sharing to be had? Altering when you travel may also result in less time and stress for you.

Secondly, make sure you schedule time for socialization with friends and other single adults during each holiday. This can include dinners out, parties, or quiet sharing at home. Because this is a season, you have the space to pepper in activities that will help you to feel intimately connected with others who share a similar lifestyle and needs.

END NOTES

This issue was designed to help singles make a holiday plan that addresses their needs and allows them to participate more fully and joyfully during this "season of family".

Begin now to plan for a happy and fulfilling holiday!

If you need assistance in planning for your holiday, contact [e-mail]. Feel free to email me with questions related to this topic. I select the topics most asked about for use in my "Ask The Coach" column.

About the Author

www.consum-mate.com
Toni Coleman LCSW is a psychotherapist and relationship coach who specializes in working with singles wanting intimate lasting