Getting Off the See-Saw

by James Lucoff

(Page 2 of 2)

Last time we discussed "relationship systems." Like two children on a see-saw who don't know how to get off, we may desperately wish to change the distressing, repetitive interactions that seem to take on a mind of their own.

The Relationship Enhancement approach recognizes that breaking free from relationship patterns, though difficult, is within the reach of anyone. The three important steps are: exploring the issue, determining a solution, and implementing the solution.

The most important first step is to become aware of the dynamics of the relationship system and discussing with the other persons involved what this means to you and them. In this step, our goal is to fully express all the important feelings, concerns, and desires that we have.

In the previous article we gave the example about Bob, his wife Sue, and Bob's Mother, Margaret. Bob's mother can sense when Bob and Sue don't agree on some matter. She invariably takes Bob's side of the issue and criticizes Sue's opinion. Bob is afraid of hurting his mother and so fails to come to his wife's defense. Sue feels hurt and lashes back at Bob and Margaret. Margaret backs off a bit, and gradually Bob and Sue reconcile - until the next time when the whole drama is re-enacted. How would Sue begin her efforts to resolve this?

She probably would decide to have a talk with Bob first. She might start out like this: "Honey, I need to talk to you about what's been going on between us and your mother. I really love your mom and appreciate all the kind things she's done for us. But when the two of us have a disagreement, I feel a lot of pain because she gets involved in our disagreement and I feel put down by her comments. Then it seems like it's me against the two of you. I know you love your mom and don't want to hurt her, but sometimes I end up feeling that she's more important to you than to me." Using the Relationship Enhancement guidelines, the two of them would continue to explore this issue until each felt understood by the other.

The next step is to creatively brainstorm various ways of dealing with the problem and to select a mutually satisfying solution. In the above example, Bob and Sue decide that they will have a discussion with Margaret about the matter, and explain to her that whenever Margaret seems to be getting into their business, Bob will speak up in a kind way to remind her that they would prefer to settle this without her involvement. If necessary Sue will prompt Bob to do this by giving him a signal.

The final step is to implement the solution. A lot of patience is always required, since, as discussed in the previous article, relationship systems resist change. In our example, by following through on their plan and re-evaluating it periodically, Bob and Sue see gradual improvement in this situation, and Margaret feels respected and appreciated by her son and daughter-in-law.

So with the help of the Relationship Enhancement approach, you can get off the relationship see-saw gracefully.

About the Author

www.empathic.homestead.com
James Lucoff is Director of Empathic Coaching Associates and is an authorized Relationship Enhancement educator. Relationship Enhancement has been cited by researchers as one of the most effective relationship skills programs. Empathic Coaching Associates teaches individuals and couples internationally via telephone and video conferencing in private sessions. Visit their web site at http://empathic.homestead.com.