Staying in the Here and Now

by James Lucoff

One of the core Relationship Enhancement skills is the Expressive skill. The Expressive skill guidelines help us to avoid saying things that will trigger a defensive reaction from our partner. For example, instead of saying "You're always ignoring me," better results are obtained by saying "Lately when I start to tell you something that's important to me, it seems to me you change the subject, and I feel ignored and belittled." Notice that the re-statement was put in subjective terms, eliminated the generalization ('"always"), and specifically described the feelings being experienced.

What about "predictive" statements? For example, let's say that your partner has recommended an outing to a rather expensive restaurant. You feel like saying, "Absolutely not. I know what's going to happen - we'll go there and you'll get this uncomfortable look when you see the menu, you'll order the cheapest thing you can find, and sulk the rest of the evening because I don't do the same."

Predictive statements, like generalizations and labeling ("You're lazy"), tend to provoke arguments because they are often perceived by the other person as meaning - "You're bad and won't ever change." We don't like to be boxed in and resent it when other people claim they can foretell our actions.

So how can we reformulate this statement following the Expressive skill guidelines? The key is to stay in the present - even when talking about the future. You really don't know for sure how your partner will act at the restaurant, and even if you did, how would that help your partner to change? But you can speak honestly about your own feelings. You are feeling uncomfortable because of your recalling other similar events. The most important thing is to reveal the full extent of your feelings about that to your partner.

So you might say it this way: "When you suggested that restaurant, I felt very queasy in my stomach. I remember a few other times when we went to an expensive place. You seemed shocked at the prices on the menu and I felt very awkward and out of place. You ordered a very inexpensive item on the menu and I felt that you were wanting me to do the same. When I ordered something that I wanted, it seemed to me that you resented that. I'm thinking that this might happen again. Anyway, that's all going through my mind right now and inside I'm wishing we would go somewhere else."

The guiding principle is that subjective truth can only be expressed about the present. Anything we say about the past or future is only there to explain what we are feeling right now.

Relationship Enhancement Distance Learning

Now that the busy December/January season is over, it's a great time to enroll in our Relationship Enhancement Distance Learning program. Learn at your own pace with a unique multimedia home study package combined with personalized, private coaching by telephone that will teach the essential skills to build relationships that can last a lifetime. See our web site for details and contact us for additional information.

About the Author

www.empathic.homestead.com
James Lucoff is Director of Empathic Coaching Associates and is an authorized Relationship Enhancement educator. Relationship Enhancement has been cited by researchers as one of the most effective relationship skills programs. Empathic Coaching Associates teaches individuals and couples internationally via telephone and video conferencing in private sessions. Visit their web site at http://empathic.homestead.com.