Compatibility

by James Lucoff

I often hear about couples breaking up because of "incompatibility." The concept of compatibility has been around for many years, and many have accepted this as a fundamental truth of relationships. According to this axiom, people, like chemicals, can be categorized - with certain personality types mixing well together whereas others producing destructive explosions when combined in a close relationship.

Another flavor of this conventional wisdom is that couples are held together by shared values or preferences. So when two people find themselves "drifting apart" they may conclude that they have changed and no longer have much in common.

On the other hand, some proverbs present a contradictory viewpoint - "opposites attract" and "variety is the spice of life." So where's the truth? Are compatibility and commonality critical success factors in a relationship?

Here's a little story someone wrote:

She married him because he was such a "strong man." She divorced him because he was such a "dominating male."

He married her because she was so "fragile and cute." He divorced her because she was so "weak and helpless."

She married him because "he is a good provider." She divorced him because "all he thinks about is success."

He married her because she was "steady and sensible." He divorced her because she was "boring and dull."

This makes clear that the perception of compatibility and commonality can indeed make or break a marriage. So the real question is - can we change our perception?

Humans, of course, are not chemical elements that can be neatly categorized - rather we are constantly changing during a lifelong process of growth and development. As a result, change and conflict are inevitable, even healthy, in any close relationship. The durability of our relationships depends on how well we understand the changes that we are going through and on our skillfulness at resolving the conflicts that are bound to arise along the way.

The Relationship Enhancement method is effective precisely because it fully recognizes this ongoing flux of relationships. It teaches couples the essential skills they need to understand and be understood, to express difficult issues without triggering defensiveness, and to find mutually satisfying solutions to conflicts.

To conclude, here's a quote from Paul Pearsall: "Marriage, families, all relationships are more a process of learning the dance than finding the right dancer."

About the Author

www.empathic.homestead.com
James Lucoff is Director of Empathic Coaching Associates and is an authorized Relationship Enhancement educator. Relationship Enhancement has been cited by researchers as one of the most effective relationship skills programs. Empathic Coaching Associates teaches individuals and couples internationally via telephone and video conferencing in private sessions. Visit their web site at http://empathic.homestead.com.