Personal Journaling and Your Relationships

by James Lucoff

Some years ago I faced some difficult personal issues that were very distressing. Naturally this also had an effect on my relationships with others. When a close friend urged that I begin a daily journal, I resisted his suggestion. But when I finally started to write about the things that were bothering me I quickly saw how effective this was in helping me to clarify and work through these problems.

In this article I'd like to explain how you can start your own personal journal, what researchers have discovered about personal journaling, and how this can help improve your important relationships.

Here are the key concepts for your personal journal:

• Write in a private notebook - just for you
• Write what's bothering you or important to you at the moment, focusing in on the situation and your feelings about it
• Write from the heart, write continuously, don't edit or censor
• Write for 15-30 minutes a day, at least 3-4 days a week
• Be patient - results may not be evident for several months

Sometimes persons confuse journaling with the traditional concept of a "diary". Here's an example of a diary entry: "Today Susan got really angry at me. She said she was tired of the way I didn't open up to her about my feelings. She stormed out of this house and I read the newspaper." Well, that may be an accurate description of what happened, but in a journal the emphasis is on your feelings and self-exploration.

By contrast a journal entry might go like this: "Susan really blew up again about my not opening up. As usual, when she brought this up I could feel my stomach getting in a big knot and I got scared because I was afraid that someday she's just going to walk out. It reminds me of how my mom and dad used to argue - my dad would just freeze. I wish I could tell her how I'm feeling but sometimes I'm not even sure what's going on inside of me."

Researchers are just beginning to investigate the benefits of personal journaling. For example, a study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association involved persons who suffered from asthma and rheumatoid arthritis. The study found that there was significant improvement in many who journaled compared to a control group who did not.

One of the first to study the beneficial effects of personal journaling was Dr. James W. Pennebaker. His interest in journaling began when it helped him work through a difficult time in his own marriage. So how can journaling help your marriage?

I find that often when I'm abrupt with or insensitive to my wife's needs, it's because I'm upset about some other issue that has nothing to do with her - vented anger. Journaling helps me to identify and resolve these issues, to clarify what my anger is really about, and then I can interact with my wife independently, rather than "codependently", of these other situations.

Even when anger does seem to be directly related to our mate, journaling will help us to release some initial "heat" and clarify the reason for our strong reaction. For example, suppose during childhood a woman's father consistently pressured her to do things against her wishes. If she gets the feeling that her husband is trying this, that's likely to bring up strong feelings of resentment. By writing about this, she will be able to safely vent her anger on paper to the point where she can discuss the situation with her husband following Relationship Enhancement guidelines.

About the Author

www.empathic.homestead.com
James Lucoff is Director of Empathic Coaching Associates and is an authorized Relationship Enhancement educator. Relationship Enhancement has been cited by researchers as one of the most effective relationship skills programs. Empathic Coaching Associates teaches individuals and couples internationally via telephone and video conferencing in private sessions. Visit their web site at http://empathic.homestead.com.