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Making Your Relationship Bank Account Grow
Dr. Willard Harley talks a lot about our relationship "bank accounts." Think about the significant persons in your life. Your current overall feelings about them are probably derived from the sum of all the "transactions" you've had with these individuals. If they have acted positively toward you, for example, by being honest, trustworthy, appreciative and thoughtful, these actions have accrued as "deposits" to their account with you. Conversely, every time they have irritated you, disappointed you, or in other ways acted in ways that you viewed negatively, this has resulted in "withdrawals" from their account. If deposits exceed withdrawals, you probably have a liking toward the person; if not, you may have some persistent feelings of dislike. | ||||||
Among the things that can result in withdrawals are irritating habits. Lately I've been having a hot drink in the morning. I get up at 6:30 a.m, fix my drink, and then about 7:00 a.m. wake up my wife. She enjoys that I wake her up (a "deposit" into my account with her), but I also make some fairly loud slurping noises when I sip at my drink at bedside. That annoys her and she is not shy about letting me know. It's important that I realize I am doing something irritating so that I can try to make changes in by behavior. I want to keep "withdrawals" to a minimum and maintain a healthy balance in the account to cover mess-ups that may occur. Notice all the things that could go wrong with this process. First, suppose my wife thinks, "That bug's the heck out of me, but I'm not going to say anything about it." Maybe she believes I ought to be able to figure this out on my own, or she may be afraid of starting an argument. What if she grew up in a family where no one ever dared to voice a critical complaint about the head of the household? Whatever the reason, if she fails to communicate her irritation to me, that leaves me in the dark. Gradually my relationship bank account with her is being depleted and I don't even realize it. With every slurp, she becomes more aggravated, more disgusted with me, more resentful of my perceived thoughtlessness. Finally it becomes just too much for her to take. She shouts out, "Stop slurping this instant! You are so crude!" While she has conveyed her criticism of my behavior, she hasn't given me strong enough insight into her feelings about it to activate my compassion toward her. By her angry attack she has likely triggered a defensive reaction in me that works against constructive change. So how do Relationship Enhancement skills help in this situation? First, they provide expressive skills that allow us fully convey to our mate how we feel about irritating behavior, along with positive aspects of the overall situation that help our mate to respond positively. In this example, my wife could say it this way: "Honey, I really enjoy the way you wake me up and I look forward to the time we spend together in the morning. And I know you really like to sip on your morning drink. But I need to tell you that when you slurp your drink it really makes be feel disgusted and irritated, like when someone scratches a chalkboard with their fingernails. I was hoping you could find a way of enjoying your drink without making that noise. And if you could do that, I think I'd be in a much better mood in the morning and we could enjoy our time together so much more." That message helps me understand that though my wife loves and appreciates me, this habit really bothers her, and that if I could stop it she would be happier and as a result our relationship would be improved. Compassion and love for my mate then move me to want to make the desired change. RE skills also provide practical techniques for changing habits like this one. Bottom line - the use of RE skills can make sure that my relationship bank account stays out of the red! About the Author www.empathic.homestead.com |
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