Honesty in Relationships

by James Lucoff

Honesty, or rather, lack of it, has made major headlines this year. Serious breaches of integrity involving religious and business leaders have surfaced, with repercussions yet to be realized.

It is clear that honesty is vital to the health of all relationships. Mutual trust, openness, and understanding are the key contributors to feelings of friendship and intimacy. Conversely it is very hard to be in a relationship with a person who distorts or withholds information critical to that relationship.

Yet there are internal tensions that can pull us away from truth-telling. One of the most powerful of these forces is fear - fear of what other persons will think of us or how they will use the information we reveal.

Recently when a situation came up unexpectedly, I did something that conflicted with a "family principle" that my wife and I adhere to. After the incident, I struggled with the decision whether or not to tell my wife about it. On the one hand, there were no problems that resulted, and I figured out where I had made my mistake so that I could avoid repeating it in the future. My wife would never know and so if I didn't tell her what would be the harm?

Still it was clear to me that I was trying to rationalize. I was really afraid of her reaction to my breach of conduct, though minor. If I did not tell her about this situation, what would happen if I later made a really serious blunder? Would I try to squirm out of my responsibility there, too?

I decided to tell her the truth, not just about what happened but also about my feelings of fear, guilt and embarrassment. She responded empathically, graciously, and understandingly, and I realized that my telling the truth about my failure had really strengthened her trust in me rather than weakening it.

In a similar vein Conscious Loving by G. and K. Hendricks, uses the expression "microscopic truth" - both the truth of what has happened along with the deeper truths of what is going on inside of us. "We have seen hundreds of couples who, after ten minutes of this type of truth-telling, pulled their relationships back from the brink of breakup. The truth is always moving, though not always initially palatable."

"Microscopic truth" corresponds to the skill of expressing yourself subjectively taught in the Relationship Enhancement method. Couples are shown how to express difficult issues in honest, open ways that build trust and understanding in their relationships, and how to respond empathically when they hear such issues being expressed. Honesty is at the core of the Relationship Enhancement approach.

About the Author

www.empathic.homestead.com
James Lucoff is Director of Empathic Coaching Associates and is an authorized Relationship Enhancement educator. Relationship Enhancement has been cited by researchers as one of the most effective relationship skills programs. Empathic Coaching Associates teaches individuals and couples internationally via telephone and video conferencing in private sessions. Visit their web site at http://empathic.homestead.com.