The Game of Untangling

by James Lucoff

During the introduction of a recent workshop I played a brief recording of a couple demonstrating the use of Relationship Enhancement skills. Afterwards there was the usual reaction, "They just kept repeating what the other person said. That was so tedious!"

In our last newsletter we discussed one explanation for this common response to hearing a Relationship Enhancement discussion - the hurried pace of life. But another factor is the experiential difference between passively listening to someone else's conversation and being actively involved in the conversation yourself.

To illustrate, what is the difference between watching a tennis match and actually playing? If you're a spectator, especially if you know nothing about tennis, you might feel that the whole drill is repetitive and useless. "What's the point? Why not just hit the ball once and be done with it?" However if you are one of the players, your mind and body are totally caught up in the subtle characteristics, significance, and excitement of each volley.

So what is this "game" of expressing and empathic responding that takes place in Relationship Enhancement? In one sense it is a game of untangling.

We struggle with a difficult situation because there are so many interconnected feelings, thoughts, and desires. Visualize these as a knotted mass of string. When you are able to describe one small part of this complex mass in words, it is as if you are taking hold of one strand and untangling it from the rest of the string. If your partner empathically states back to you the feelings you expressed in your statement, this helps you to hold on to that thought, to keep that strand separate, as it were. You differentiate this particular thought or feeling from the rest and then can continue to separate other pieces. Gradually what seemed to be one big mass of confused feelings now appears as distinct thoughts and feelings. You "sort things out."

Let's take a brief example. A wife is struggling with a situation and says to her husband, "I sometimes feel you treat me like a child, like you have to control everything I do." Her mate gives back an empathic response, "You think I sometimes act like a controlling parent and you really resent this."

Having separated out that strand, the wife is free to probe further into the mass of knotted strings and pulls out another piece: "Yes, it makes me feel like when my mother would boss me around and criticize the decisions I tried to make for myself. She made me feel so small and helpless." Another empathic response would then allow her to proceed further.

To an outside observer, this exchange may seem slow and uneventful. However to the participants, each moment is full of meaning. The wife is experiencing and expressing deep issues that are vitally linked to the relationship she has with her husband. This helps her to understand why she reacts so strongly to certain statements made by her mate. The husband is gradually able to look at their relationship through his wife's eyes and now comprehends why the things he says can upset her.

Untangling complex feelings is hard work and best done with the help of a friend. The Relationship Enhancement method provides the skills and tools you need to play the "game of untangling" and, in time, even enjoy it!

About the Author

www.empathic.homestead.com
James Lucoff is Director of Empathic Coaching Associates and is an authorized Relationship Enhancement educator. Relationship Enhancement has been cited by researchers as one of the most effective relationship skills programs. Empathic Coaching Associates teaches individuals and couples internationally via telephone and video conferencing in private sessions. Visit their web site at http://empathic.homestead.com.