We recently received the following question: “Can this help people who were 'not in love' when they married?”

This is an excellent question and we'd like to thank the person who submitted it.

First the short answer. Yes, definitely, the relationship skills taught in the Relationship Enhancement program can help persons in this situation.

Now some explanation. Notice that the question asks whether this can “help”. I think this person understood there are no “magic wands”, but that there might be something that could help them to work more effectively at improving their relationship.

By asking the question, this person also seems to be saying, “I really want to keep this marriage together. Even though when we were married we were not in love and love has not developed since then, maybe there is some way that love can grow here.”

So perhaps the question could be rephrased this way, “Can Relationship Enhancement help people who were 'not in love' when they married, but who now want to try to build love into their relationship?” The answer is “yes” for at least two reasons.

First, Relationship Enhancement skills allow couples to resolve conflictual issues. Conflict happens in every relationship, even where there is love. Relationship skills help in finding solutions that are satisfying to both persons and this, in turn, builds confidence in the relationship.

Second, Relationship Enhancement education empowers couples to be empathic toward one another and to feel understood by one another. This essential combination is the basis for emotional bonding that leads to companionate love, which researchers have identified as the more stable and lasting form of marital love. Of course, feeling emotionally close to one another is also the basis for other dimensions of marital love as well.

So, even if you didn't originally “choose your love”, you can grow to “love your choice!”

Marriage Education in the News

In February President Bush stated the following in one of his speeches: “Many good programs help couples who want to get married and stay married...Premarital education programs can increase happiness in marriage and reduce divorce by teaching couples how to resolve conflict, how to improve communication and, most importantly, how to treat each other with respect.”

It is gratifying to see increased recognition of the value of relationship skills education. We invite you to enroll in our program and experience the benefits for yourself.

About the Author

James Lucoff is Director of Empathic Coaching Associates and is an authorized Relationship Enhancement educator. Relationship Enhancement has been cited by researchers as one of the most effective relationship skills programs. Empathic Coaching Associates teaches individuals and couples internationally via telephone and video conferencing in private sessions. Visit their web site at http://empathic.homestead.com. More