Relationship Enhancement for Individuals

by James Lucoff

We've presented a broad outline showing how Relationship Enhancement skills can help couples to enhance intimacy and resolve conflict. But what if only one person in the marriage has an interest in learning the skills? And how about single persons who are trying to form better relationships with others? Can Relationship Enhancement help in these cases?

Yes, definitely, and so we have introduced a new program - Individual Relationship Workshop. To illustrate the benefits of RE skills in this context, here is an excerpt from Bernard Guerney's book Relationship Enhancement (Jossey-Bass, 1977), Chapter 11 (coauthored by Edward Vogelsong).

“The following marital case of Esther and Bill exemplifies the use of RE methods for an individual with an absent partner. Esther, forty-five years old, had seen a number of therapists over the past five years, but complained that her relationship with her husband Bill had only gotten worse. He consistently refused therapy although he admitted that his marriage was unsatisfactory. He had had a number of affairs with other women and had left home twice, once for six months and once for four months.

“Esther wanted to save her marriage if possible, but felt that she could no longer tolerate the kind of marriage she had had for the past several years. She said that every time she and her husband talked about their marriage they had a big fight and things became worse. Esther systematically learned RE skills by practicing with the therapist one hour a week. She gradually began making empathic responses to her husband on relatively 'safe' topics, such as his feelings about his boss, his reaction to recent new stories, and other areas that did not involve their marriage. She explained to him that she was trying to learn new ways to understand him better than she had before. She also began to state her feelings to him on a number of areas that did not involve their marriage.

“As she gained confidence in her ability to use RE skills, Esther decided that she wanted to employ them in a discussion with her husband about their marriage. She practiced these skills very carefully with the therapist who played the role of her husband. When she felt prepared, she told Bill one evening that she would like to know his feelings about their marriage. He was reluctant to begin such a discussion, but when he did, she responded empathically to what he said. For over an hour she remained empathic until he indicated that he had nothing more to say. She then asked him to listen to her as a silent partner while she stated her views, using her best expressive skills. She said later that this conversation was the most satisfactory one she had ever had with anyone. It was the first of many discussions they had.

“As a result of these discussions, both Esther and Bill began to assume more responsibility for the success of their marriage. They changed the time of their evening meal so they could enjoy it in more relaxed circumstances. Esther got a part-time job to help with family finances. As it turned out, she had always wanted to work, but had been afraid Bill would disapprove; without ever saying so, he had always resented her not working, yet criticizing him for not making enough money. As the result of other problem-solving discussions, they sold the house they lived in and bought another one farther away from his parents. Eventually Esther went to night school to learn additional secretarial skills and got a much better job. Although Bill never came to therapy, he freely attributed the vast improvement in their marriage to her participation in an RE program.”

This example illustrates how very effective Relationship Enhancement skills can be, even when used “unilaterally”. Empathy and honesty are contagious!

About the Author

www.empathic.homestead.com
James Lucoff is Director of Empathic Coaching Associates and is an authorized Relationship Enhancement educator. Relationship Enhancement has been cited by researchers as one of the most effective relationship skills programs. Empathic Coaching Associates teaches individuals and couples internationally via telephone and video conferencing in private sessions. Visit their web site at http://empathic.homestead.com.