Change

by James Lucoff

Over the last few months we've been saying a lot in these articles about the Relationship Enhancement approach to resolving conflict and enhancing intimacy in your relationship. Through a structured dialog of empathic and subjective expressions, couples can successfully discuss difficult issues, discover satisfying solutions, and decide exactly how they will implement those solutions.

But now comes the really tough part - doing it.

To understand why this can be so agonizing, remember that “old habits die hard” - they are etched into our brains' neuronal pathways like ruts in a muddy road. Each time I repeat some behavior, the rut gets deeper and it gets that much harder to act differently the next time.

In some cases there is another more powerful force at work - a feedback loop. Our relationships sometimes form dynamic systems that bond and reinforce behavior and that actively resist attempts to change. The old riddle, “Does she nag and so he drinks? Or does he drink and so she nags?” is answered very simply by realizing that the relationship between these two persons has become a vicious cycle. At some point in the distant past he drank. She nagged him in response. So he drank more. And so she nagged more. And so on. Even if both of them agree that they wish to change this kind of back-and-forth relationship, it will be very hard to break free.

And a final factor - impatience, our wanting changes to happen right away - can set up a self-defeating feedback mechanism quashing efforts to turn over a new leaf. Not realizing the great difficulty involved in making changes, couples too often just give up after relapses and resign themselves to the status quo.

By learning the principles in the next two Relationship Enhancement skills, Self-Change and Other-Change, we can instead set up a positive feedback loop one that will greatly facilitate your efforts to make desired changes in behavior. With the Self-Change skill I make changes in my behavior. With the Other-Change skill I help my mate to make changes in his/her behavior. Usually both are needed and reinforce one another.

Let's consider Self-Change first. As the person wanting to change, I need to think about what will help me remember to make the desired change. Some time ago I was in the habit of placing my clothes in the laundry hamper whichever way they happened to come off. My wife requested that I first unfold my clothes so that she would not have to do that later. I heartily agreed, but failed in my attempts to remember because of my long-established pattern. So I put a small post-it note above the laundry hamper with the word “unfold”. That worked. When I went to put my clothes in the hamper, I saw the note and this reminded me what I should do. After a few weeks, the note wasn't needed anymore because now unfolding my clothes had become a new habit that had replaced the old one.

This is an example of a “self-reminder”. For other kinds of changes, we may need our mate to remind us of the change we are trying to make. If so, we need to clearly spell out how we would like that reminder delivered to us, so that we do not perceive it as nagging. Reminders can be verbal or non-verbal, and they can come before we are supposed to do something or after we were supposed to have done something. Enlisting the support of our mate in this way can be a powerful impetus toward altering deeply rooted behavior.

Last time we began a discussion of the two Relationship Enhancement skills that will help you and your mate to make desired changes in your behavior. The Self-change skill provides a method you can use to change yourself. The complementary skill, Other-change, provides guidelines on how you can help your partner to make changes. Let's see how these two skills work together.

While ultimately I am the only one responsible for changing myself, feedback from others can help or hinder. Remember the question, “Is the glass half full or half empty?” It has been quipped that the answer depends on whether you're pouring or drinking, and indeed perspective can make all the difference.

Let's say that your mate wants to do better at keeping the home tidy. During the past week you've noticed some improvement, but not as much as you hoped for. How will you respond? You have two choices - if you see a glass that's half empty, you'll gripe, “Hey, when are you going to deliver?” If you instead realize that change is an arduous, inch-by-inch struggle, sometimes with three steps ahead and two back, you'll cheer your partner on and fully acknowledge whatever success he has achieved.

The choice you make as to how you respond will either encourage your mate to try harder or increase the likelihood that he'll throw in the towel.

So how can you best help your partner? First, make sure you have a clear understanding of the change that your partner has agreed to make. Next, if your mate has asked for your help, find out exactly what kind of assistance he would like, and carry this out as requested. Finally, spontaneously express appreciation for his efforts and be patient when there are setbacks.

Let's take an example. Your mate has told you that she is insecure and longs for you to compliment her more in public when you're with friends. You agree, but how can you make this change? After discussing various approaches, you decide that, at least at first, you need a signal when she is hoping you will say something, e.g. a tug on her earlobe. Also, you have asked her to kindly explain when you missed an opportunity and to pat you on the back when you were successful. Using the Self-change skill, you also decided to post a reminder note at your desk and to keep a journal of your successes and setbacks.

Wow, that's a lot of work! Absolutely. Lately my wife has been working on learning to play a difficult piano composition. With hours and hours of painstaking practice, note by note, there is slow, gradual progress. But one day, she will be able to play that piece with style. In the same way, you and your mate can unlearn old habits and learn new ones of your choosing. Relationship Enhancement skills will help you along the way.

About the Author

www.empathic.homestead.com
James Lucoff is Director of Empathic Coaching Associates and is an authorized Relationship Enhancement educator. Relationship Enhancement has been cited by researchers as one of the most effective relationship skills programs. Empathic Coaching Associates teaches individuals and couples internationally via telephone and video conferencing in private sessions. Visit their web site at http://empathic.homestead.com.