In this series of Relationship articles, we've been giving you a broad view of the Relationship Enhancement method, developed and refined over the last 30 years by Dr. Bernard Guerney, Professor Emeritus at Pennsylvania State University. In his work with hundreds of couples in therapy and research studies, Guerney came up with an approach which has been proven effective in helping couples resolve conflict and enhance intimacy in their relationship.

To recap, we've shown how to express your feelings without provoking “fight or flight” reactions, how to empathically listen and respond to your partner, and how to alternate these two fundamental skills in a structured dialog. Before we move on to the next topic, Problem and Conflict Resolution, we need to clarify a very critical point in the Relationship Enhancement method.

Not too long ago, I asked my wife if there was one thing she would like to see improved in our relationship. She mentioned that she wished we could find some home project that we could work on together. My immediate response was to start suggesting solutions, but a few minutes later I realized I had fallen into a common trap - prematurely jumping into the “fix-it mode”.

The Relationship Enhancement approach makes clear that before trying to fix a situation in the Problem/Conflict Resolution phase, you and your partner must first explore and reveal all of your thoughts, concerns, feelings, and desires about it in the Discussion phase. Why is this so important? Here are some of the main reasons:

1. Full discussions lead to greater mutual understanding and intimacy. As soon as you start talking about solutions you generally cut short expressions about feeling, why you want something or don't want something, your concerns, anxieties, and desires. In so doing, you have lost a great opportunity to understand each other more, to feel understood and accepted by your partner, and to enhance your intimacy. Remember, your goal is not just to arrive at a destination, but to enjoy the trip along the way, too!

2. Full discussions lead to better solutions because you have fully explored all the issues. Sometimes I don't understand why a certain situation is bothering me until I have had the opportunity to discuss it fully with my wife. What I originally thought was the problem may turn out to be just a “layer,” and when I peel that layer away, I get to something deeper and more basic that is the real issue. Had I stopped exploring at the first layer, any suggested solution would not have taken into consideration the deeper problem, and that would have undermined the likelihood of success.

3. Full discussions may in themselves lead to complete resolution. At times, after a full and open exploration of your feelings on a subject, you may feel so satisfied at having been understood by your partner that the problem resolves itself - perhaps no longer appearing as distressing or simply working itself out during the discussion process.

4. Full discussions lead to solutions that get followed through to a successful completion. Because you have a complete understanding of the other's feelings, you are more likely to be fully motivated to make the solution work.

Reversing the above points, if you don't have a full discussion of a subject and instead skip to discussing solutions, your solution will more likely be unsatisfying and unsuccessful, and you may end up right back where you started - except more frustrated because of your failed attempt.

Each person in the discussion has a responsibility to make sure that the issue is fully explored before moving on to resolution ideas. Relationship Enhancement contains a protocol to make sure this happens. But what if new issues surface during the Problem / Conflict Resolution phase? Simply shift back to the Discussion phase until all those have been explored to your mutual satisfaction and then return to the Problem / Conflict Resolution phase.

In summary, don't try to fix something until you fully understand it. And to fully understand an issue, all of your deepest concerns, feelings, thoughts, and desires must be expressed and understood. Discussion and Problem Resolution are two distinct phases. Keep that separation clear and you may even get to enjoy resolving issues in your relationship!

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About the Author

James Lucoff is Director of Empathic Coaching Associates and is an authorized Relationship Enhancement educator. Relationship Enhancement has been cited by researchers as one of the most effective relationship skills programs. Empathic Coaching Associates teaches individuals and couples internationally via telephone and video conferencing in private sessions. Visit their web site at http://empathic.homestead.com. More