Haunted: Burying the Ghosts of Lost Love

by Toni Coleman, LCSW

Late at night, as you read quietly, before you fall off to sleep...

During a busy afternoon as you run through a crowd, hurrying back to your office or home....

Sitting in a movie theatre, a restaurant or waiting for the light to turn...

A sudden thought or image rises within you. It can come as a small nagging feeling or as a wave of emotion that threatens to overwhelm and drown you in the grief of a memory. Either way it's clear; here comes his/her ghost again.

For those who are haunted by a past relationship, the instinctive response is often to run away from these feelings or to pretend they just aren't there. It is also not uncommon to react by setting your system on "anger mode" and seeing everything and everyone in a negative light. Shutting down all ability to handle even the simple routine tasks of daily life is another response, and one that signals depression. This one needs to be addressed quickly, as it can leave a trail of destruction in its path.

These defense mechanisms are employed as a way of coping and to "get through the day." However, when these responses become prolonged and ingrained, we can get stuck in the grieving process that accompanies loss. This is where the ghosts come in.

All loss, especially the absence of someone with whom we were intimate, results in sadness, anger, denial, fear, depression and guilt. These feelings are normal. However, how we respond to them will make the difference in how well we recover and move on to a new and healthy life.

In order to work through the grief and finally lay those ghosts to rest, you may need some help with the important do's and don'ts of grieving. The following is a basic primer to get you started.

Things to Do:

Acknowledge Feelings

Denial can provide a very short-term way to cope with loss, but will compound the bottling up of destructive feelings that need to find a healthy outlet for expression.

Allowing yourself to feel helps you to understand that what you are feeling is normal and therefore, you are not "crazy" or alone. It also opens the way to learning how to cope and move towards a positive resolution. Over time you will learn that feelings won't kill you, and that you are strong and able to confront them and move on.

Express Anger Safely and Productively

Fear of our own anger is normal. This is why we have so much difficulty expressing it to others. We imbue it with a power that is beyond our control and something that can only be destructive.

Therefore, we stuff everything inside. Pressure builds and we explode, and out comes the "anger monster"; a creation of our own inability to deal with anger when it is at a lower, more manageable level.

There are safe ways to express these feelings. Crying, talking to friends, writing down the feelings and even engaging in some physically demanding labor are all healthy ways to release your anger.

Take Care Of Yourself

This seems to be one of the things we most neglect when loss strikes. Not caring for even basic needs is one of the faces of grief. It can also be a sign of a dangerous depression. Therefore, it has to be a priority.

Basic needs are what usually require attention. These include: adequate sleep, eating right, taking care of minimal household and financial responsibilities and attention to personal grooming.

In addition, exercise not only provides a great outlet for stress, it has been proven in clinical trials to be effective in lessening depression in a significant number of people. Regular exercise can also offer assistance to those who have difficulty sleeping and heightens self-esteem.

Build and Strengthen Social Supports

A strong social support system is always important. During a time of extreme loss, it is vital to recovery.

Do you have good, supportive friends? Do they have time and energy that they can offer to you during this period of grieving?

What about religious ties? A church, temple or other community of like-minded believers?

Do you have good support from any family members?

What about organizations that you have participated in and given your time and energy to? Can they now give something back to you?

These are a few of the supports that you can turn to. Make sure you PLAN well for weekends, holidays and other significant days. Let people know you want to get together and that you want to get out regularly and stay active and involved. This allows others to offer their support and remember to include you in group activities, etc.

Give Yourself Time

Getting over the loss of someone you love takes time. It is a process. It doesn't take "forever". You will move on and recover. But beware of that feeling that is often expressed of "I don't know what's wrong with me, it's been months and I'm still not over it".

The months SEEM like forever, but you know they are a relatively short period of time. You need to give yourself that time or run the strong risk of getting stuck for (perhaps years) in the quicksand of grief.

Set Realistic Goals

This is a time to prioritize and decide what you most want and need and to make a realistic plan for achieving it.

Goals will keep you focused and on-track. They will provide a compass as you navigate your way to a new life. They will help you to achieve success and to boost your self-esteem. This achievement will help you to feel strong and capable of beginning a new life.

Things to Avoid

When enveloped in grief and loss, we have to be careful not to respond in dysfunctional ways. Some classic examples of poor coping behaviors include:

• overuse of alcohol
• use of illegal drugs
• ignoring signs of serious depression
• sexual acting out
• recklessness with finances
• ignoring basic safety and placing self in risky situations

These are all the result of low self-esteem, guilt and feelings of hopelessness. With good supports and the utilization of healthy ways to express feelings, you will be at far less risk of using these self-injurious behaviors.

Remember, we must be willing to accept grief as a possible price of experiencing love. Many, many people have gone through the process of loss and despair and come out strong, whole and ready for a new life. Along the way, they often come to know themselves better and to understand what they most need and want from their relationships. Armed with this new experience and knowledge they are then ready to form new, healthy and lasting relationships.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q. I broke up with my boyfriend of almost three years several months ago. We had a relationship that had its ups and downs and somehow it just died out. Even though I had mixed feelings at times, I am devastated over losing him. He has already started seeing someone seriously and seems to have moved on. I feel abandoned and hurt and am having trouble sleeping, eating, etc. I now realize he is perfect for me, but it seems just too late. He seems to be "falling in love" with this other woman.

I can't stop thinking about him and wanting him. Everything reminds me of him and us. I feel like I let a great guy go, actually handed him to someone else. How do I get over him?

A. You appear to have all the classic feelings of grief. You are hurt, sad, guilty, and angry with yourself, unsure of yourself, scared and at a loss as to where to go from here.

First of all, recognize that this will take some time to recover from. Tell yourself this every time you feel impatient with how long you have felt this way.

Secondly, make sure that you structure your days and plan for (good) eating, sleep and the handling of routine (but necessary) responsibilities. This is not the time to make any major decisions or changes. Don't strive for being perfect in how you handle these things, but make a conscious effort to do the essential minimum.

Reach out to friends and family who are supportive. If you have a friend who is FUN to do things with, go out and have some laughs. While out, take your feelings of grief and shelve them. Compartmentalization gives you a break from the pain. You can pull them back out later on.

Be careful not to see just the good things that were present in this (lost) relationship. We tend to idealize the lost love. It wasn't perfect. If it were, you would be together.

Set some realistic goals. These will give you a map as you try to find your way to a "new" life, one without this relationship. Achievement also brings a feeling of accomplishment and improves self-esteem.

Remember that you will get through this. If you let yourself grieve and find healthy outlets for the feelings, you can then get unstuck. From there you look to a new and better future with someone who is really right for you.

Q. I recently (1 month ago) broke up with my girlfriend of over 2 years. I thought we had a good relationship, headed to marriage. She was my world. However, she decided she needed to discover who she is and date more people before she chooses the one.

I'm devastated. I can't sleep, have trouble eating. can't concentrate and quite frankly, can't see a future without her. I'm feeling desperate, what do I do?

A. You are suffering from depression. You probably need professional help in order to get you through the first and most intense stages of grieving for this relationship.

Ask friends and family to help you find a professional who is right for you. Follow through with this. It will be your lifeline.

It will also be very important to focus on the activities of your daily life. You need to plan your meals, sleep time and the handling of necessary responsibilities. If necessary, you may need to ask for help in order to take care of these. It's ok; it won't be for a long time, just until you are feeling stronger and more stable.

Give yourself time and surround yourself with the people who care. You will need a lot of support and help, but you will get through this loss. When you do, you will be better prepared to go out and find the person who can commit to you and who shares your goals and with whom you can be truly intimate with.

End Notes

This issue was designed to assist those who have lost a relationship and are stuck in the grieving process that follows. Remember to give yourself time and to allow others to offer their help and support. Most importantly, take care of yourself and avoid blame and self-recriminations. Your reward will come with a healthy and lasting future love.

About the Author

www.consum-mate.com
Toni Coleman LCSW is a psychotherapist and relationship coach who specializes in working with singles wanting intimate lasting