How to Respond Empathically, Part 2

by James Lucoff

(Page 2 of 2)

As I start to write this article about individual relationships, the events of this week loom heavily. Why is it so hard just to love one another, whether in the family or in larger groups? I can only answer this question by looking at my own successes and failures in being loving toward those around me.

There is, hopefully, one lesson that I have learned - the priceless value of empathy. In previous part, we talked about what empathy is and how to show it. We are being empathic (or the equivalent English form, empathetic) when we really can see and feel the world through the eyes of another, when we can come to know and understand how that person is feeling so deeply that we can say more about those feelings than the person has actually revealed by his/her words.

But just why is empathy so important in our relationship with another person? There are several important reasons.

First, empathy leads to intimacy. When we truly understand how another is thinking and when the other person sees that we are empathic toward them, it is very likely we will develop and maintain a bonding, a closeness, that can cement our connection to each other.

Empathy also is important because it allows us to understand the other person's needs, preferences, and viewpoints. And by basing our behavior on this knowledge, we can act in a way that contributes to the flourishing of the relationship.

Finally, empathy plays a key role in the process of inner growth, as established by the research of Carl Rogers and others. By giving empathy, we create a supportive climate in which our partner can acknowledge and work through fearful issues.

Now let's take what we've learned about expressing feelings and empathy and put that all together. First of all, it's helpful to understand the process of human communication:

1.I say something to you.

2.You hear what I say and attempt to understand it.

3.You say back to me your understanding of what I was trying to convey.

4.I check to make sure that you did understand my message correctly.

Take away any of those four steps - for the speaker, not saying what you really mean and not checking if your message was understood; for the listener, not listening to the message and not conveying back to the speaker that you have understood - and there may be serious doubts that real communication has actually taken place.

Just this week my wife and I were having a significant discussion about future possible relocation plans. I thought she was suggesting we move immediately, but later found out she meant later next year. We had a good laugh and agreed that next time we discuss something this important, we will use the Relationship Enhancement guidelines.

This kind of misunderstanding (and much worse) happens all the time to most couples. How does Relationship Enhancement help improve this process? It provides a safe, secure "protocol" for making sure we go through all of the above steps to have successful and satisfying communication.

You can think of this "protocol" as being like "rules of the road" for driving. We all feel relatively secure about traveling from point A to point B because we know that most people will follow laws about right-of-way, stop signs, speed limits, turn signals, etc. Likewise, Relationship Enhancement provides a set of simple, easy-to-follow "traffic" rules that will get us safely from point A to point B in any discussion with our mate.

About the Author

www.empathic.homestead.com
James Lucoff is Director of Empathic Coaching Associates and is an authorized Relationship Enhancement educator. Relationship Enhancement has been cited by researchers as one of the most effective relationship skills programs. Empathic Coaching Associates teaches individuals and couples internationally via telephone and video conferencing in private sessions. Visit their web site at http://empathic.homestead.com.