How to Respond Empathically, Part 1

by James Lucoff

It used to be that when my wife brought up some problem, I would immediately try to fix it. For example, she would mention a difficult encounter with a coworker, and I'd say, "Well, why don't you just tell her..." Finally one day my wife blurted out, "When I come to you with a problem, I don't want a solution! I just want you to listen and understand!"

That direct request from her was probably how I started to learn about the importance of empathy.

The Empathic Responding skill of Relationship Enhancement owes a lot to the work of noted psychotherapist and researcher Carl Rogers. Through his research studies,
Rogers identified a counselor's empathy as one of the key factors that helped his clients to resolve troubling personal issues. Bernard Guerney perceived that this insight could be applied to all kinds of relationships, such as between husband and wife.

In our next newsletter we'll try to explain why empathy is so important in relationships. But let's start with some examples of what empathy is - and what it is not.

Your mate comes home from work and says with a sigh, "The boss has really been shoving work at me this week and wants it done yesterday. He's given me four reports to do and they are all priority. And to top it off I'm covering for my assistant who's on vacation. I just don't know what to do."

Here are some examples of non-empathic responses:

"Hey, you're a great worker, you can handle it!"
"I think you let him push you around. Why don't you let him know how much you are doing already!"
"Oh, I feel so sorry for you."
"That's life in the big city."

Though well-meaning, responses that cheerlead, criticize, advise, judge, or pity are not empathic. When we empathize with others we are putting ourselves in their shoes, looking at the world through their eyes, imagining what it is like to be them and trying to feel as they are feeling. We may not agree with how they are feeling. But we can acknowledge that this is how they are feeling at this moment in time.

An empathic response to the above might be:

"Snowed under! You want to do a good job but you're frustrated by the pressure to meet impossible deadlines."

Notice a number of points about this response:

1. Your response is brief, capturing the essential feelings and situation.

2. It's not a repetition of what the person said. You put it in different terms.

3. You went deeper than what was said, perhaps even guessing about unstated feelings. (If you guessed wrong, that's not a problem. The person will easily correct you and go on. For example, "No - more than frustrated, I feel torn in two!")

Sometimes it's the hardest thing in the world to stop yourself from giving advice, exhorting, consoling, or criticizing. But when you give an empathic response you are giving one of the most precious gifts that can be given - the gift of having been heard and truly understood.

About the Author

www.empathic.homestead.com
James Lucoff is Director of Empathic Coaching Associates and is an authorized Relationship Enhancement educator. Relationship Enhancement has been cited by researchers as one of the most effective relationship skills programs. Empathic Coaching Associates teaches individuals and couples internationally via telephone and video conferencing in private sessions. Visit their web site at http://empathic.homestead.com.