How To Say What You Feel, Part 1

by James Lucoff

There are a lot of reasons why I hold back from saying what I really feel to someone who's close to me - but usually it all goes back to one emotion: fear. Fear of getting an angry response, fear of making myself vulnerable by revealing what is really important to me, and fear of what will happen if I don't get the response I'm hoping for.

Because of all this fear, we often hold back from airing grievances until they build up to explosive levels. At that point, the chances of expressing yourself constructively are pretty low.

So what's the solution to this dilemma? To quote that famous legal proverb, "Tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."

The Relationship Enhancement® method helps us to understand that there are two important aspects to speaking the truth that are often overlooked. The first is that truth about relationships is subjective. The second is that truth, the whole truth, is everything about you and the other person, not just what's bothering you at the moment. We'll discuss the second point here, and return to the subjective nature of truth in the next newsletter.

Suppose you're mad about the way your mate leaves stuff around the house. You've really had it and you're going to let him/her know! But why are you so angry? What's the whole truth? After you think about it you realize that you're angry because you love your mate deeply and have a strong need for an orderly home as a setting for the life you treasure together. Furthermore, you see that in many other respects your mate is hard-working and supportive.

So when you speak to your mate about this situation, telling the whole truth means expressing fully all of your "underlying positive" feelings about him/her in regards to this situation. By doing so, your mate will feel secure about your love and will be less defensive, because you are making it clear that this problem is only one part of the bigger picture.

So here's how that might come out: "Honey, I wanted to talk to you about something that's been on my mind. First I want to say how much I appreciate your support and hard work. You really try to make our life together enjoyable [and give specifics]. And it's because I love you so much that our home has special meaning to me as the place where we share life together. So lately I've noticed that I get upset when..."

There is much more about "underlying positives" that will significantly improve your ability to resolve conflict. We invite you to learn about this by attending the next RE workshop.

We talked about saying what you feel. Fear of the response can stop us from openly expressing ourselves to our mate about a sensitive topic. Part of the solution is to express the "underlying positive" feelings that are present in every committed relationship. These help your mate to be receptive to your message instead of shutting down or striking back. By including these positive feelings toward your partner, you are saying not just the truth, but the whole truth about your relationship.

But there's another critical factor to being heard. Have you ever gone round and round in circles about the "facts" of a situation? I have - and this has to be one of the most frustrating experiences of life. Afterwards you're left feeling exhausted, angry, and puzzled - how can two people who love each other have such different views of "reality"?

This points out a basic truth: much of what we conclude about experience is based on our very personal interpretation and filtering of what we have seen and heard. In itself, that's not a bad thing it just means that the best way to express yourself about an issue is "subjectively." This is particularly true when your mate likely has his/her own view of the matter.

To illustrate, suppose for awhile you've felt that your partner is taking you for granted. You feel that you never get thanked for the good things you do around the house and the support you provide. In fact, you're wondering if your mate really even loves you. The more you think about this, the angrier you get. This has got to stop! Finally something happens that is the last straw and you blurt out, "You always take me for granted. You never ever thank me for all the work I do around here. You don't love me!"

So what's wrong with the way you said that? It was all true, wasn't it? Yes, from your perspective, but there's a good chance your mate doesn't agree! Your accusation now puts him/her into the position of the defense lawyer wanting to call witnesses that will disapprove the allegations. And so begins the debate about "reality".

So what's the way out of this deadlock? Simple. Instead of talking about what "is," talk about the subject that nobody can dispute - how you feel. You are the world's leading expert on your feelings.

To do this, take each of your statements and reformulate it so that it refers to your subjective feelings. While you're at it, remove generalizations (never, always) and replace them with less confrontational specifics. And to help your mate further understand, explain the exact circumstances that relate to your feelings.

Here's how that would translate. "Several times over the last few months I have gotten a feeling of being taken for granted. Usually it happens when I do something that I am proud of around the house, and I don't get words of thanks or recognition for that. Because of this I am not feeling loved."

"Well, that sounds like that same thing," you may be thinking, "What's the difference?"

Major. Notice that by removing the accusing language ("you always blankblank, you never blankblank") the whole tone has changed from blaming to explaining. Your mate cannot argue with you about what you've said, because you've simply stated your real feelings, something that cannot be disputed by another person. You've also explained the situations that lead to these feelings. Result? Your mate will not feel attacked. Rather his/her love and compassion for you will be activated and you are much more likely to be heard and understood favorably by your partner.

Next time, we'll talk about the other side of the communication loop: how to listen and empathize.

Relationship Enhancement Effectiveness

Many studies have confirmed the effectiveness of Relationship Enhancement. In one of these studies, marriage counselors were provided brief training in RE. These therapists then used either their usual therapy approach or the RE approach with couples coming to them for help. Ten weeks later, the couples who received RE training showed significantly greater improvement in communication, general quality of their relationship, and marital adjustment.

Some of the individual skills taught in RE are similar to those in other marriage education programs. So why does RE seem to be more effective? Part of the reason may be the "synergy" effect. Taken by itself, each skill or guideline has a certain effectiveness. But when these skills are used together, they reinforce one another and the benefits are amplified.

We invite you to enroll in the next internet-based Relationship Enhancement class. You will listen to the lectures and demonstrations from your home and can ask questions during the presentations. You will also receive private, personal coaching in the use of these unique relationship skills.

About the Author

www.empathic.homestead.com
James Lucoff is Director of Empathic Coaching Associates and is an authorized Relationship Enhancement educator. Relationship Enhancement has been cited by researchers as one of the most effective relationship skills programs. Empathic Coaching Associates teaches individuals and couples internationally via telephone and video conferencing in private sessions. Visit their web site at http://empathic.homestead.com.