Forgiveness and Trust

by James Lucoff

A wife discovers that her husband has been viewing internet pornography. A husband learns about his wife's affair with a workmate. An employee is unfairly blamed for a problem and loses his job.

When we have been hurt by a person close to us, how do we let go of resentment, forgive, and rebuild trust? Clearly this is a complex question and in this brief newsletter we can only scratch the surface.

First, it's important to understand that letting go of resentment is something we can do regardless of whether the other person takes responsibility for his actions. In other words, letting go of resentment means that I have fully acknowledged what has happened, my part in it, and my recognition that I can determine only what I, not the other person, will do about it. Letting go of resentment can be achieved by personal journaling or by finding a compassionate and empathic friend who will listen to your story.

But can you forgive the other person? Forgiving depends on your understanding the feelings and motives of the person that hurt you, and making sure that the other person understands how you were affected. You are driving down a road and see a man waving his hands for you to stop, but you are in a hurry and keep driving. In your rear-view mirror you see the man pick up a rock and hurl it at your car. You stop the car, furious, and approach the man. He says, "I'm sorry, but our car went off the road and my son is hurt. Your car was the sixth car to pass, and I threw the rock in anger." In that instant, your feelings change and you forgive - because now you know the whole story.

Lastly, can we rebuild trust? This clearly depends on whether you and the other person are ready and willing to take corrective action. In other words, I may be able to let go of resentment, I may come to understand the other person and forgive him, but if I do not see evidence of his willingness to make changes, it may not be possible for me to trust him again. Clearly, rebuilding trust is a gradual process that can take weeks, months, or even years.

The Relationship Enhancement method, by providing tools for empathic listening, for open and honest communications, and for making real changes in behavior, can help you to let go of resentment, forgive, and rebuild trust in your relationships.

Relationship Enhancement On the Spot Training

Sometimes issues arise and you want assistance quickly. In addition to our regular program of workshops and seminars, we are now offering personal telephone consultations that provide "first-aid" help for your relationship issues. Contact us for more information.

About the Author

www.empathic.homestead.com
James Lucoff is Director of Empathic Coaching Associates and is an authorized Relationship Enhancement educator. Relationship Enhancement has been cited by researchers as one of the most effective relationship skills programs. Empathic Coaching Associates teaches individuals and couples internationally via telephone and video conferencing in private sessions. Visit their web site at http://empathic.homestead.com.