Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband has a hard time with communication and showing any emotions. I, on the other hand, wear my emotions on my sleeve and crave lots of conversation. He is a good husband in other ways and a great father but I want to feel closer to him. My dad was quiet like my husband and my mom eventually divorced him. How can I get my husband to open up more, save my marriage and not make the same mistakes my parents have made?

Dear Christy: You can save your marriage by loving your husband for who he is, not someone you want him to be. Any problem you might have with communication in your relationship is not necessarily caused by your differences but by a lack of appreciation or understanding of those differences. Your husband's lack of ability to verbalize his feelings has nothing to do with the intensity of his feelings. Just because he's not comfortable talking, doesn't mean he feels any less passionate than you do. I'm sure in the beginning of your relationship your different styles didn't concern you. He was probably a very private person right from the start. You, on the other hand, were probably a verbal, outgoing person right from the beginning. You fell in love with this man and my guess is that he hasn't changed. A couple usually falls in love as a result of quality time spent alone talking to each other. They don't pay attention to who began the conversation and who had more to say. What they do notice is how comfortable they are with each other, how safe they feel sharing their opinions, interests, backgrounds, careers, likes, dislikes, goals, dreams, hopes, fears and disappointments. Neither judges the other at this point. All they know is that they feel loved, accepted and understood. In order for you to feel more fulfilled he doesn't have to change his communication style but you both have to start spending quality time together alone. You have to carve 30 minutes out of your schedules every day to spend time talking to your mate. Encourage him to talk by asking open-ended questions. For example, instead of saying, "Did you have a good day", which requires only a yes or no answer, ask him, "Tell me about your day." Don't put him down for not communicating but rather setup the conditions that encourage communication. Keep distractions to a minimum. Close off the outside world by turning off the television, turning off the ringer on your phone, and closing your bedroom door if you need to. Try to see all of your mates' traits in the same loving light as you did in the beginning of your relationship.

About the Author

www.lightyourfire.com
For the past 20 years, Dr. Ellen has educated, motivated, and inspired thousands of men and women on how to put fun, romance, excitement and communication in their relationships. Through humor and personal experiences, she is able to captivate and relate to any type of audience, the dynamics of building a solid foundation for a more rewarding life. Through her audio cassettes, CD's, seminars, videos and books she has been teaching and communicating her message to men and women of all ages throughout the world. All of her efforts are designed to work together to achieve one ultimate goal: strengthen the fun, love and communication between two people. She has been happily married for 34 years, has three grown children and two grandchildren. www.lightyourfire.com