I no longer wish to spend any time on relationships with men

by Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D

Dear Dr. Ellen: I'm a 38 year old divorced female stockbroker. I'm not a particularly physically attractive woman, and I'm in the process of losing 100 lbs. I have many interests and talents. I've lived and worked abroad. I'm intelligent and educated and I've had some interesting life experiences. I have a great sense of humor.

Still, I have exhibited very poor judgment in the past, especially in regard to my selection of partners/a husband. I've shown outstandingly bad decision making with regard to employment and people/friends in the past, and I am happily rebuilding my life in a new city. But I have made a decision that has really irritated my family and close friends. After years of dating and suffering through countless relationships with men who've emptied my finances to the bare bone TWICE, enduring men who've had affairs, subjected me to STD's, lied to me, and taken advantage of me while taking everything I had, I've really lost interest in men. In fact, in all three of the relationships I have had with men that I've loved in my life, each time I was not loved back. My ex-husband cheerfully acknowledged that he only married me for a green card; the second man CLEARLY was using me for my friends, my money, and my lifestyle and took everything and then dumped me when I was suicidal; and the last man strung me along for a year until he told me that he was still angry at women because his ex-wife mistreated him and that he didn't want me in his life.

I no longer wish to spend any time trying to develop relationships with men. I hated being married, and I can't handle the abuse that I've experienced repeatedly in relationships anymore. I'm encountering vicious opposition from friends and family. I thought they would respect me and all my decisions after all the hard work I've done to rebuild my life. I feel that I have the right to make decisions that are deeply personal and will have a strong impact on my life. I didn't make this decision without great forethought and much soul-searching. I spent an inordinate amount of time with my therapist in formulating this decision, and he had the decency to respect my final decision. (I deeply respect my therapist; he kept me from killing myself many times. I don't tolerate any bashing of him by anybody, and my family and friends now know to BACK OFF with regard to my work with him.)

How can I get these people to understand that their opposition will only ruin their relationships with me? I don't plan to reverse myself on this, and no amount of emotional beating is going to change my mind. I feel peace now that I decided to take the uncertainty out of my life. I feel safe. I feel like I can move on now and live my life without chasing men around and around. These people act like EVERYBODY MUST have a relationship. It's almost as if I have personally insulted them because I chose a different path for my life. If you can help me find a nice way to explain my position, I'd appreciate it. I've been through hell these past two years and I will distance myself if necessary. Any suggestions?

Dear Alice: First I'd like to tell you how much I admire you. You have come such a long way and I applaud your therapist as well. Not only have you identified the past mistakes that have created havoc in your life, but you have created a plan for yourself so that you don't repeat them again.

The important part to remember as you are doing all this growing and changing is that the decisions you make today may not be the same ones you make in the future. I've always thought it was a mistake for us to be called human beings. I think that we should be called human "becomings" instead. We are not static. We are always changing. I've known so many people who couldn't wait to get out of school and said they would never go back. Years later, they decided to return back to school to get an advanced degree or take some courses that really interested them. I've met people who said they finally were able to purchase their dream home and they were never moving again. Years later, they decide to move because they have outgrown it or their tastes have changed. I know many people who loved their profession and thought they would be in it until the day they retired. Years later, they became dissatisfied for one reason or another and changed to a completely different profession. I've met so many men and women who felt that they never wanted a child only to find that a few years later they changed their minds. Some adopted, others became foster parents and some gave birth to their first child in their 40's. I believe that every decision we make is based on our life experiences, intuition, upbringing and our own unique personality. You are absolutely right when you say that you have the right to make your own decisions that are deeply personal and will have a strong impact on your life. The only thing I would add is that you also have the right to change a decision when it no longer suits you. Just because you feel a certain way now doesn't mean that you will feel that way forever or even next month. You are allowed to change your mind whenever you feel like it. As for your family and close friends, I suggest that you write each of them a letter. I prefer a letter because you can take your time and really write it from your heart. It can be a form letter but personalize it by putting their name at the top and include at least one fond memory you have of the two of you together. Then I think that including the life experiences you explained to me would help them see why you came to your conclusion at this point in your life. Let them know that you may change your mind someday but it's the way you feel right now. Explain that you would really appreciate their love and support no matter what personal decisions you make. I'll bet that if you wrote a letter as clearly and beautifully as you did to me, a total stranger, the people who you care about will see the wisdom in your decision. Dr. Ellen

About the Author

www.lightyourfire.com
For the past 20 years, Dr. Ellen has educated, motivated, and inspired thousands of men and women on how to put fun, romance, excitement and communication in their relationships. Through humor and personal experiences, she is able to captivate and relate to any type of audience, the dynamics of building a solid foundation for a more rewarding life. Through her audio cassettes, CD's, seminars, videos and books she has been teaching and communicating her message to men and women of all ages throughout the world. All of her efforts are designed to work together to achieve one ultimate goal: strengthen the fun, love and communication between two people. She has been happily married for 34 years, has three grown children and two grandchildren. www.lightyourfire.com