Are you (or are you with) a commitment-phobe?

by Toni Coleman, LCSW

We hear it all the time. "He just won't make a commitment." "She just wants some space right now." "I'm not sure if I'm ready for a serious relationship."

What does having a fear of commitment really mean? Actually, it means basically what it says. For SOME reason you, or someone you are involved with, isn't ready to take this relationship (or any relationship) to the next step.

So how do we know if we or our (hoped for) partner are truly afraid of commitment? How do we know that it's not something else? Is there any real difference between these two anyway?

Do these excuses sound familiar? "I'm just under a lot of stress right now." "It's not you, it's me." "I can't focus on a relationship right now because of my overloaded schedule."

Very often, we want to accept these reasons because we fear the real truth. Other times, we are just very confused by our feelings and the often mixed messages from the other person.

So, how do we evaluate our ability to make a long-term commitment? How do we know if he/she is really ready or willing?

There are only two real issues here to examine.

The first issue involves looking at a true fear of commitment itself. If this is the problem it's important for the person with this fear to ask themselves a few key questions.

Are you concerned about the idea of forever?
Do you fear you could make a mistake in who you choose?
Do you fear a loss of your freedom/autonomy?
Are you afraid of a bad marriage- like your parents for instance
Do you fear you would be a bad mate?

If you answered yes to any of these, it would be a good idea to begin working to understand where these feelings come from. Once you understand them better, you can choose to address them.

Perhaps you need more time or emotional growth before you consider making a long-term commitment.

There can be several factors that influence your fear. Explore these and arm yourself with a plan to put them to rest.

If you would like to deal with past relationship feelings, understand if you are relationship ready or evaluate your self-awareness, go to www.consum-mate.com for articles that can assist you with these issues.

Greater self-knowledge will help you to overcome this block to building a lasting and satisfying relationship.

The second issue is the inability to make a commitment to a PARTICULAR relationship. This may not be the right one. Perhaps there is a sense of this but it is written off to being a "commitment -phobe" in general.

Focus on the true level of involvement with each other. Is there a genuine connection? Or is there a vague feeling of something missing? Evaluate the quality of your intimate relating. This does not mean how often (or even how good) the sex is. This is about how open, sharing and real you are in your interactions with each other.

Does any of this sound familiar?

It seems like we are only killing time
He/she doesn't seem to want what I want.
We seem to be off and on in our level of contact/affection.
I/they are still not over a past relationship.
I/they just don't seem to know what I/they want.

Remember to focus on the involvement or lack thereof between you. If either person is disengaged in any way, it's time to address the real issue of; "Is this the right relationship for us?"

Exploring your ability to make a lasting commitment should be a first step in your plan for building a healthy and lasting relationship.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q. I've been dating a nice guy for several months now. He's a gentleman and treats me with thoughtfulness and respect. I have a "nice" time with him, yet feel there may be something missing. My friends all like him and he's the kind of guy my parents would love. I'm confused about what I should feel. Do good relationships take time for feelings to grow? Or, am I deluding myself because he's got "the right stuff".

A. He's a great guy, everyone likes him, so... what's the problem? The problem is that YOU are unsure if you like him the right way to make a commitment to a future with him.

Think about what YOU want in a relationship. What must you have from another person? What things are not acceptable? Do you really want to be in a committed relationship at this time in your life? Do you want this kind of relationship in the future? Can you see this person in a future role as a husband and (possibly) father of your kids?

Give yourself some time to really know your own feelings. Then follow your heart. It will lead you down the right path by providing you with the answers you need.

Q. I've been dating a woman for two years. We have lived together for one. We basically get along well and have many friends in common. Our lives have become so bound together that everyone thinks of us as practically married. She's a great person and has many good qualities, but... I'm unsure of marriage. I fantasize about other women and have almost asked a few out.

This is not something I've brought up with her. She would be very hurt and it would cause a lot of stress in our living together. How do I know if I'm afraid of commitment? Could this be about the two of us? I'm unsure where to begin to deal with this.

A. Ask yourself, "do I want to be in a committed relationship at all." If you are not yet ready, you need to take some time and sort out why not. It may be a fear of "forever" in general, or it may be a fear of forever with this woman.

Do you have many dating experiences in your past?
Did you rush into this relationship or did it move along with thought and careful decision-making?
Can you live without this woman?
What might happen if you ignored these feelings and moved towards marriage?

What might a future life with her look like?
Do you really know and like yourself and believe you could have a successful marriage?

These are very good questions to start with. You can add others that would help deepen your self-exploration.

Be careful not to just go along and make future plans with these unresolved feelings still there. If you care about this woman, it would be very unfair to her, not to mention yourself.

End Notes

This issue was designed to help you evaluate your readiness (or that of a potential mate) to make a commitment to a long-term, intimate relationship. Remember to focus on what you want and how you feel. Too often we are wrongly influenced by the opinions of those around us. You alone can make this decision. Make it for all the right reasons.

About the Author

www.consum-mate.com
Toni Coleman LCSW is a psychotherapist and relationship coach who specializes in working with singles wanting intimate lasting