A Professional Point of View - The Psychology of Selves

by Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone

This article is on how to use Voice Dialog and is written for mental health professionals only.

In the article "Embracing All Our Selves", we speak of the Psychology of Selves, the theoretical framework for our work. We discuss the development and the importance of the "selves" which we view as the smallest units or the building blocks of the psyche.

Voice Dialogue is the method which enables one to contact, understand, and work directly with these selves. It is precise, like a laser beam, enabling the clinician, or a facilitator, to focus upon a specific area of psyche for exploration, understanding, and healing. Voice Dialogue is a tool which is compatible with most psychological systems and can be used with a wide variety of backgrounds. Of course, one's individual theoretical framework will undoubtedly affect the choice of selves to be explored and will impact the way in which the information gained by this method is processed.

It is interesting to note that Voice Dialogue grew from our own relationship and our own needs for a new way to learn about one another; it was not developed in a clinical setting. Therefore, it is totally accepting and non-judgmental. It is not oriented towards pathology nor is it focused upon discovering what is wrong. It is an exploration of what is, without assumptions as to how things should be. When using this method, one assumes that all selves are to be honored; that each one has both positive and negative aspects. The basic attitude of the "facilitator", i.e., the person who facilitates this process, is one of interest and acceptance.

The Basic Principles

An attitude of acceptance and respect is extremely important in the Voice Dialogue facilitation process. The facilitator is an explorer, an interested observer who is trying to discover as much as possible about each self. The selves are extremely sensitive to the feelings and judgments of the facilitator and they will not respond if they sense disapproval or manipulation. This is a method that will not work effectively unless it is used with a proper attitude. When it is used properly, however, it provides quick and easy access to much of the psyche.

When facilitating using the Voice Dialogue method, we are not trying to change selves, to get rid of them, or to help them to grow up and be more sensible. There should be no agenda. Changes will take place, growth will occur, there will be healing, but these cannot be the aims of the facilitator.

The facilitator does not negotiate amongst selves. There is no attempt to get the selves to agree on anything. Each self is different, and these differences are to be respected. Instead of trying to get the selves to agree, the facilitator helps each self to clarify its views and to give as much information as possible. Thus, the subject (or client) learns to live with the tension of opposing viewpoints represented by these selves and to make decisions which take these opposites into consideration.

The aim in Voice Dialogue is to expand the client's ability to make choices in life rather than to behave in an automatic and unconscious fashion. This is the aim of most therapeutic systems, however it is conceptualized.

For us, this ability to have choice when making decisions, to see both sides of an issue and to behave with greater awareness and consciousness is carried by an ever-evolving aspect of consciousness that we call an "Aware Ego". We see this Aware Ego as separate from the selves, aware of them and of the effect that they have, and able to make choices by taking the views of opposing selves into consideration.

The Method

1. Relax

First relax, get centered and quiet your own inner pusher and critic. Ideally these sessions are conducted in a relaxed yet alert fashion. The emphasis is upon the subject, not upon your performance as the facilitator. You will be observing the subject's energy patterns and looking at physiological, emotional and linguistic cues. People love to do Voice Dialogue and if you remain unselfconscious, this method is quite simple.

2. Mapping the Psyche

The first step in this process is to create a "psychic map". By this, we mean you as the facilitator will identify some of the primary selves that are operating in the subject's life and the selves that carry the opposite characteristics that are disowned. This is done by listening as the subject discusses some aspect of life or a particular issue that is troublesome. It is important to get a picture of the territory that is to be explored before beginning so that you have an idea of how the selves are aligned and what might be expected in the facilitation.

This "psychic map" is open to constant revision. You may keep this "map" abstract as a concept, or you might actually draw a diagram or picture for yourself and your client. Your own clinical background will determine the way in which you conceptualize this psychic map.

Listen for the primary selves as the subject discusses values and characteristic behaviors. The astute clinician will easily detect these primary selves. For instance, phrases like: "I never seem to get enough done", "I'm always in a rush", "There aren't enough hours in the day" suggest that the Pusher is a primary self. Thus, the facilitator would see the Pusher as a primary self and the "Lazy bones" or "Beach Bum" as a disowned self. These maps can be as simple or as complex as you wish. At the most simple, you will be thinking in terms of primary and disowned selves and of the vulnerable child which is being protected.

Listen for the disowned selves as the subject criticizes others. When a client says critically of someone else: "She is so self-involved and inconsiderate. Her children already have problems." it is quite likely that this client has disowned her own selfishness and is unable to pay attention to her own needs. A man who says angrily of another: "He is a tyrant" has probably disowned his own power and characteristically defers to the requirements of others.

3. Introduce the idea of selves and see how the client responds.

For example, "It sounds like there's a part of you that's always in a hurry and trying to do more even when you are getting tired and want to rest." If you hit upon a primary self, most people will respond easily to this suggestion. "Yes, that's me. I can always do a little bit more."

Another way of doing this is to speak about two sides of a conflict as two different selves. For instance: "So, one part of you wants to go to school and train to be a teacher, but another part is afraid that if you are away from home too much, your family will suffer." If the client responds positively, you are in a position to talk to both selves. "the part that wants to go to school" and "the part that thinks it is important to put the needs of the family first".

Voice Dialogue is not for everyone, and the client must be able to think in terms of selves. As the client becomes accustomed to thinking in terms of selves, it is a small step to move him or her into a position of talking to them.

About the Author

Hal Stone, Ph.D. and Sidra Stone, Ph.D. are the co-creators of Voice Dialogue. They are hopeless romantics and, as clinical psychologists with a combined experience of about 80 years, they are committed to keeping the magic and vitality in relationships. They have co-authored five books. Their latest book, Partnering: A New Kind of Relationship, sums up a lifetime of wisdom. Their books are available at local bookstores or from Amazon.com. www.delos-inc.com