|
| Home | Search |
| Career & Money | Health | Parenting | Personal Growth | Relationships | Religion |
Husband looking at revealing pictures of women on the Internet
Hello Dr. Ellen: What do you think about wives taking pictures of themselves for their husbands to kind of let them know what they have? Or is this asking for trouble? I happened to find out that my husband had recently looked at several revealing pictures of women on an internet auction. So I confronted him about it and I feel we're ok as long as it's not something that happens again. I should have emailed you then to see why guys do that and how we should handle it. That was not his nature at all but they weren't horrible pictures either, even though it really hurt me that he saw what he saw and didn't come to me for it. Well, I'm quite interested to know how you feel about all this. Thanks, your student. Dear Jennifer: The Internet is addicting and men have to use a lot of self-control to stay away from it. There is so much spam going on now and adult sites are sending unsolicited material right to everyone's email address. Many men cannot help but take a peek and before they know it, they are hooked. I am getting so many emails now from women who have caught their husbands spending time on adult sites. Ages ago, a man had to resort to going into a "sleazy" store in an undesirable part of town to buy an adult video. Then, when video stores became mainstream, they kept the adult movies out of site, in the back of the store. The fear of someone seeing you was enough to prevent most married men from renting that type of video. Now, in the privacy of your home, it is difficult for men to stay away and understand why it hurts their partner so much. They don't consider it cheating and most women do. Most men enjoy looking at beautiful women and get pleasure out of seeing them in magazines and on the Internet. However, once a man falls in love and gets married, he has more than himself to consider. My definition of true love is, "When someone else's happiness and well-being is just as important as your own." Hopefully, now that you have now told him how unhappy his behavior made you feel, he'll respect that. I know he wouldn't be very happy if you were viewing the same thing with men online. The truth is that if he continues this behavior, you will turn into an angry, cold, bitter and unresponsive woman. A mature and loving man knows that he has to sacrifice certain things for the sake of a marriage. When you become parents there are even more sacrifices for the sake of the children. You may want to "party" till 4:00 a.m. but, if you are a responsible and loving parent, you know that your child needs you to be alert the next day, so you don't! If looking at naked women hurts your partner, then you simply control your impulses and don't do it! I think taking the glamour shots or what they call "boudoir photography" is a great idea. It's a wonderful experience. You'll be shocked at how classy and sexy you'll look. You can present it to your husband with a cute note that says, "For Your Eyes Only." – Dr. Ellen LAST WEEK'S REACTION to the woman who felt that dating after divorce was like being on a battlefield. I had gone through the same thing from 1994-2000 and had wanted that instantaneous commitment with someone. I could not cope with being alone, even though it was I who initiated my divorce. I had gone into therapy however, and joined a small divorce group with other women, and it was there that I was given the same advice that Dr. Ellen gave you. I had to learn that men who were betrayed felt as bad or worse than I might; that most men will hook up with a woman and get married almost immediately after divorcing because they can't bear to be alone (my ex got married 6 months after we were officially divorced), while others might be so traumatized that they never remarry. I had to learn how to forgive my ex and myself for my contributions to the dissolution of the marriage, and finally, I had to go through the grieving process that would take maybe 2-5 years to "process." It was tough but I emerged whole. In early 2000 I realized that I should just have fun and date who I felt like, and not expect a commitment. I joined an Internet dating club and wrote a profile about myself that was honest and real, where I described myself as being a real person, who did not possess Cindy Crawford's body; who did not hate men or my ex, and who wanted a real dynamic with someone. I enclosed a photo of myself (I am attractive but am not a model, if you will) and the results were amazing. Not only did I receive thank you notes from men (who though not interested in dating me per se or I them) who appreciated my candor, and commented that I was "refreshing" in their battlefield, but I had the opportunity to meet lots of men. A mere month after doing this, my future husband contacted me. We immediately connected and 6 months later we were married at our home. Once you free yourself of your fears, lots of doors to happiness, open. - Vicki There is the saying that you get in life what you create. So why are you creating a battlefield? Why not just relax, enjoy thoroughly the men you date, and create lasting friendships. I think you are fortunate to be in the situation you are in. My girlfriend was single for several years after her husband left her for a life behind bars. She is attractive and energetic. After she went through a grieving period, she began dating. She enjoyed her dates and didn't put any pressure on the men. Soon she was receiving so many marriage proposals; she didn't know what to do! But the key seemed to be that the men she was dating could tell that she wasn't in a rush. I don't know why it is this way, but somehow men are never attracted to women who are even slightly "desperate." Even if you are not, you can come across that way by cornering them too soon. Relax, enjoy, take it easy! You've got many, many more years of life to live. Once you are completely happy on your own, that's often when that special someone appears. About the Author www.lightyourfire.com |
| ||||||
|
© 2009 eNotAlone.com | |||||||
