Kathryn B. Lord, L.C.S.W.

Last month, we talked about ambivalence and having mixed feelings about the prospect of getting involved in an intimate relationship. You can check out some of what other people have come up with to put off their search for a mate under 50 Ways to BLEEP Your Lover. I suggested that you think yourself about every reason you can come up with NOT to try to find a partner, write each one on a Post-It stickie, and then apply the Logic Litmus Test below:

1. Is what you are saying a true fact? How do you know that?

2. Does it serve your best interest?

3. Does it protect and prolong your health?

4. Does it get you what you want?

Sort your reasons into two lists: Those that pass the Logic Litmus Test (the beliefs that have some truth or value to you) and those that flunk (the beliefs that are untrue and unhelpful).

Let's first deal with the Flunked list, because that is easier.

For each of your beliefs (reasons not to get involved) that flunked the test, take a new stickie and write the truth of WHY each has failed the test. Post the new stickie next to its faulty belief.

An example of a faulty belief and the real truth might be:

There are no good men left, coupled with: I know some good single men myself, though I am not attracted to them. There must be some other good men out there that I would be attracted to.

Regularly review these beliefs and the real truth about what you tend to tell yourself to keep yourself from being influenced by these faulty beliefs.

Now for the reasons/beliefs you listed that passed the litmus test -that have some truth or value:

Take each belief separately and identify the truth or value the statement has for you. Write that on a separate Post It and stick it next to its belief.

This is the hard part, but also the most important: Ask yourself if there is anything that can be done to change this belief/truth/reason not to get involved.

Here's a sample:

Belief: I might get hurt.

Truth: When my last relationship ended, I was so hurt that I thought I would never recover.

What can be done about that: In some ways, nothing.

Opening up for a relationship opens me up for hurt. But if you DON'T open yourself up for a new relationship ever again, you will be denying yourself some of life's greatest joys. And you survived the hurt of the last. You would survive again.

Do you see what we are doing?

Identifying thought, beliefs, truths and untruths you have that might not be completely conscious, but influence your thinking, is crucially important. Even though you THINK that you are very, very ready for a new relationship, the kind of negative self talk that we have been identifying has a great deal of influence on how you behave. You may be undermining yourself in getting what you say you really want and not knowing it.

Tags: Relationships Tests and Quizes, Finding Love and Soulmate

About the Author

www.find-a-sweetheart.com
I am Kathryn Lord and I am a CyberRomance Coach. I get people ready for love, help them find a Sweetheart using the Internet, then learn what they need to know for a relationship that lasts.