Chapter 1, Part 3

Portrait Of My Desire
by Rhonda Findling

(Page 3 of 11)

Nina read the cards. "I guess he's in New York," she responded flatly, showing no emotion.

"Aren't you even upset Nina? Those cards were addressed to you too."

"Even if mother did hide the letters, he never even came to look for us when we didn't answer him."

"He thought loan sharks were after him."

"Do you really believe that?"

"That's what mother told us. He was gambling all the time and a lot of people money."

"What a loser. Maybe it's better that he left."

"How can you say that?"

"With all the illegal street stuff he was into, I just think it's better that he wasn't a part of our life anymore."

"Don't you want to talk to him at all? Tell him about Ned?"

"No. It's been so long since he left us. I agree mother should have given us the letters, but I still can't forgive him."

"Well I'm leaving Wisconsin to go look for him."

"Just like that?"

"What's holding me back? Besides mother told me to go."

"She didn't mean it. She's just upset."

"Well I pretty much hate her now. She tore up daddy's cards. And if that wasn't enough she slapped me across the face."

"I can't believe she hit you. It must have been because you were talking about daddy. She always gets crazy if you even mention his name. Remember after daddy left how she wouldn't get out of bed for weeks? We had to go grocery shopping by ourselves. We'd hitch like to the store because she couldn't even handle driving the car. It was almost as if she had a nervous breakdown."

"I remember," Sharon responded, unwilling to allow herself to feel any compassion for her mother.

"Sharon, all we had was each other. It was like we were orphans. That's why I hate daddy for leaving us like that."

"I know what he did was terrible, but I still want to find him."

Nina read the birthday cards again.

"Do you remember our making a pact that when we grew up I'd become an artist and live in Paris, and you'd come visit me and buy designer clothes?"

"How can I forget?" Nina asked, looking up from the cards.

"Well maybe this is my chance to follow my dream."

"You're going to go look for him in Paris?"

"No. I want to go to New York. I won't be able to go to Paris or anywhere for that matter if I don't finally leave here once and for all."

"What about your job?" Nina asked matter of factly.

"It's just an assistant manager job in an art supply store. Nina, my life is going nowhere. I still don't have an agent. I don't have a boyfriend. I need to get out of here, " Sharon said emphatically. "It'll be wonderful. I'll take art classes in New York and meet artists from all over the world. Look, maybe finding daddy's letters happened for a reason. Maybe looking for daddy is what I need to give me the strength to finally leave home."

"Okay, then come back to New York with Ned and me. You can stay with us."

"Until I find my own place. I've got some money saved up."

"Don't worry about it."

"Nina are you sure it'll be okay if I stay with you guys? I don't want to be burden to you."

Nina got Sharon's suitcase out of the closet and threw it down on the bed. "Big sister, this year you're staying with me in New York, but next year I'm visiting you in Paris!"

"It's a deal," Sharon said enthusiastically, holding out her hand to Nina. Laughing, they both shook hands and for a brief moment Sharon felt hopeful.

As Sharon closed her suitcase she thought about how horrible this past three days were. She and her mother barely spoke to each other. Nina and Ned tried to be cheerful but everyone just seemed to be making an effort to get through the holiday.

Sharon rechecked her wallet and saw the $4800 worth of traveler's check that she bought with the money she withdrew from her savings account. That was one of the benefits of living at home so many years she thought. You got to save money.

She could hear the car running. Nina and Ned were waiting outside for her. The plane was leaving in a couple of hours. She put her wallet away and examined her bedroom for the last time. The bed she slept in since she was a little girl. The colonial furniture her father ought, when he won some big money on horse race. Her mother insisted he spend his winning on a new bedroom set for Sharon because she still only had nursery school furniture. She got a lump in her throat when she remembered how much her mother did love her in her own way. Picking up her bag of art supplies along with her suitcase she went downstairs. Sharon saw her mother in the living room dusting the piano.

"I'm leaving now. I'll be staying with Nina for awhile until I get my own place."

"Did I ever tell you that your father was going to sell this piano to pay off a gambling debt? He told me a loan shark was threatening to break his legs. I sold my diamond engagement ring and the jewelry grandma left me when she died. I gave him the money so he wouldn't sell the piano. I wanted you and Nina to keep taking piano lessons."

Sharon breathed in deeply, thinking of the sacrifices her mother had made for her and Nina. Remembering how much she loved her mother, she yearned to run to her and make it all better. The way it was before. She knew she had to be strong and lave though. Being a new life, before it was too late.

"I'm sorry you had to go through all that. I know daddy was horrible for leaving and not supporting us, but I still need to find him."

Sharon's mother kept dusting in silence.

"Mother, don't you think it's time I left home? I'm twenty six already."

"You've never been on your own." Her mother's voice quivered, but she didn't look up.

"Nina will help me. Aren't you going to even wish me luck?"

The sound of her mother's silence deafening. The cruelty of her mother's inability to wish her all the best, created a hatred inside of Sharon that she didn't think she could even feel for her mother. "You know maybe the problem is that you're afraid you'll have a hard time making it without me."

Her mother looked up from dusting. "You'll see how hard it is our there."

Sharon picked up her suitcase and art supplies. "Goodbye mother." She walked out the door and didn't look back.

About the Author

www.rhondafindling.com
Rhonda Findling, M.A.,C.R.C. is the author of "Don't Call That Man! A Survival Guide To Letting Go" (Hyperion), "The Commitment Cure" (Adams Media) and "The Dating Cure" (Adams Media) and her debut novel "Portrait of My Desire". She is a dating coach and psychotherapist. She has been in private practice in New York for the past 20 years and consults (by telephone) with clients all over the world.