Chapter 1, Part 2

Portrait Of My Desire
by Rhonda Findling

(Page 2 of 11)

"Did you find the Christmas ornaments?" her mother asked, seasoning the turkey.

"Did you hide these birthday cards from daddy?"

Her mother dropped the spoon filled with corn bread stuffing when she saw the cards in Sharon's hand. "I thought it was better that you didn't see them."

"This was addressed to me." Sharon waved the letters in the air.

"He didn't deserve to see or hear from you."

"That was my decision to make."

"There were no checks with them," her mother snapped. "Why should he have talked to you when he didn't care if you were hungry or had a root over your head?"

Maybe he thought we moved and we'd never get the cards, so he didn't put money in them. Remember you changed the phone number and put it some other name when he left?"

"He could have come back here to see why you weren't answering the letters."

"You told us that loan sharks were after him."

"If he wanted to support his children, he would have figured out how to get money to you. Have you forgotten how we struggled after he left?"

"Of course I haven't, but don't you remember how much I missed daddy after he was gone? You know how close he and I were!"

"He certainly shows his love for his children in a strange way. By abandoning them!" her mother exclaimed, as she put the turkey in the oven, slamming the door shut

"Look, no matter what you say I want to talk to him. The last card was from new york. I'm going to try and track down these addresses."

"Sharon, it's a holyday and your sister and Ned are going to be here soon. I don't want to hear anymore about your father and those cards."

"You never want to discuss daddy. It's always been a closed subject. We can't pretend he doesn't exist anymore. He's obviously alive and I want to talk about him!"

"Leave me alone Sharon. It's a holiday and I want to have a nice time."

"You know you're just as selfish as daddy. You don't care about my feelings. All you care about is hating daddy for leaving you."

"How dare you speak to me like that!" she grabbed the cards from Sharon. "I should have done this years ago." Her mother tore up the cards and threw them on the floor.

"This is all I have left of daddy," Sharon screamed, picking up the torn pieces, "and you even try to take this away from me?" she stoop up defiantly. "You bitch! No wonder daddy left you."

Her mother's face contorted, taking on an expression of horror Sharon never saw before. Her mother's hand lashed out and slapped Sharon across the face. Sharon wanted to hit her mother back but controlled herself.

"You ungrateful child! Did you see me deserting you and your sister? Did you forget that we had to go on welfare until I could get a job? And then we could barely make ends meet. All the years of struggling and this is the thanks I get?"

"I am not ungrateful! I could have left home and made something of my life. Gone away to school. Gone to New York or Paris and studies art." Sharon was no longer able to contain the words spilling out. "But no, I stayed here with you because I was afraid to leave you here alone."

"You could have left any time you wanted," her mother answered back sharply.

"Every time I even talked about leaving, you'd tell me I was better off staying here with you in Wisconsin because I would have a hard time making it on my own."

"I was trying to protect you."

"Protect me. You've crippled me!" Sharon cried out.

"How dare you say that."

"It's true. I'm twentysix years old and I've never even had a real boyfriend. If I could have talked to daddy maybe my life would have turned out different. Maybe I wouldn't have ended up in this boring, Godforsaken, loser town."

"Then go. Go to and Paris. Go to New York and go find your father. Your marvelous loving father who walked out on you. Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!" she shrieked.

"I can't believe I gave up all my dreams for you. I hate you!" Sharon yelled, then stormed up to her room slamming the door. She was stunned that she had told her mother things she had thought and mulled over all of these years but never dare say. Trying to calm herself she went directly to her dresser and took out two photographs of her father. She looked at her favorite picture. The worn out black and white one, where he was holding her around the shoulder when they were standing outside a restaurant on her twelfth birthday. She was wearing a corsage with a pink carnation her father bought for her. It was comforting to se that she resembled him around the eyes and nose.

She studied the other picture where her father was standing outside the car dealership where he worked. She remembered how happy e was because he sold three cars that day and make a gigantic commission. They gave him a free TV set for being such a good salesman, and took his picture. She figured he'd be fiftyseven now. Still handome she was certain.

While she scotch taped the birthday cards back together, she wondered what her life would have been like if she had been in touch with him all these years. Maybe she'd be in New York instead of living with her mother. She lay down on her bed and cried for all the years she lost with her father because her mother hid the birthday cards.

The sound of knocking on her bedroom door startled Sharon. Figuring it was her mother coming up to apologize she put the pictures back in her drawer.

"Sharon, it's me, Nina."

"Nina!" Sharon squealed with delight when she opened the door and hugged her sister tightly. "You look as beautiful as ever miss fashion plate," Sharon said, admiring her sister's beautiful navy blue Chanel suite and designer pumps. Nina was the spitting image of her father, which made Sharon love her all the more.

"You look great too," Nina responded, hugging Sharon again. "What's going on? Mother's all upset and you've been crying."

"I found these birthday cards daddy sent us with notes and phone numbers in them," Sharon said, handing what was left of the cards to Nina. "Mother hid them in the attic."

About the Author

www.rhondafindling.com
Rhonda Findling, M.A.,C.R.C. is the author of "Don't Call That Man! A Survival Guide To Letting Go" (Hyperion), "The Commitment Cure" (Adams Media) and "The Dating Cure" (Adams Media) and her debut novel "Portrait of My Desire". She is a dating coach and psychotherapist. She has been in private practice in New York for the past 20 years and consults (by telephone) with clients all over the world.