Letting go of someone you love is the most painful feelings human beings can experience. Letting go means suffering and heartache. It means losing love, and love is the highest form of happiness known to mankind.

Letting go of love is the inspiration of much of our present day culture. Just listen to the top ten songs on the radio. Almost all are about yearning and longing for someone loved and lost: "I Can't Live if Living is Without You", " The Way We Were", "You Just Keep Me Hanging On".

Most of the jazz ballards sung by the great women singers (Sarah Vaughn, Billie Holiday) are about love and loss — "My Man," "The Man Who Got Away."

Popular movies tell stories of women's inability to let go. "Fatal Attraction" was about a woman who became a psychotic murderer due to her obsession with a married man who rejected her. Truffaut's "Story of Adelle H." concerns a woman who went insane due to her loss of a man she was in love with.

Likewise, television and theater are filled with tales of people unable to recover from loss. In the Broadway show "Sunset Boulevard", Norman Desmond shoots her lover, Joe, because he is going to leave her. Both daytime and evening soap operas are filled with storylines of people who spend an entire television season pursuing someone who's rejected them. Daytime talk shows have an endless string of obsessed guests who can't let go.

Newspapers are filled with stories of people who cant let go no matter what the cost. Perhaps if Jean Harris had been able to mourn and grieve and work through her rage at Tarnower (Dr. Scarsdale) for betraying her, she wouldn't have killed him. If O.J. had mourned the deterioration of his marriage and Nicole's decision to emotionally move on without O.J. and processed his feelings for Nicole rather than act them out, maybe all the tragic events leading to her death would have never taken place.

And if Monica Lewinsky had been able to work through all her feelings about the ending of her relationship with President Clinton with a skilled psychotherapist instead of Linda Trapp, then the course of american history might have taken a completely different turn!

So, how do I know so much about the process of letting go? I went through this experience myself.

A few years ago, I fell in with a handsome, charismatic, articulate, and mystical man. During our relationship, I became emotionally dependent on him. He taught me much about spirituality. He was loving and supportive. I thought he understood me in a way no one else did. I was very emotionally connected to him. However, when I expressed my desire for more commitment from him, he left.

Looking back, I strongly feel that his sudden and almost cruel rejection was due to his intimacy problems. When I first met him, he told me he had not had a relationship in over seven years, and was not looking for a commitment. I fell in love with him anyway, hoping I would be the exception. Despite my professional insight, I was still left wounded and devastated. I had to learn the arduous process of letting go so I could recover and go on with my life.

At the same time, I was treating several women who were also having a hard time letting go of a relationship that had ended. I decided to start a support/psychotherapy group titled "Don't Call That Man!" I did workshops in the community and soon found myself on radio and television talk show as a "relationship expert". It seemed this was my path!

From my own personal experience and professional work, I learned how deeply an abandonment and rejection in adulthood can wound. The pain of rejection can reach into the very core of one's being. A woman can become so fixated on a man who rejects her that she is consumed by her rage and desire for him. I've known women to lose their health, money, jobs, children — even go to jail — due to their preoccupation with a man who got away. I've had women come to my support groups and workshops who were on the brink of suicide because of a breakup and their inability to move on.

Women have come a long way financially but still have a lot of work to do to become more emotionally independent. Too many financially self-sufficient woman stay in emotionally and physically abusive relationships because they are terrified of letting go. They would rather cling to a man who beats, humiliates, or rejects them then risk the terror of being alone.

In the following chapters, I will teach you to develop the inner resources and skills to let go, so you don't destroy your life for the sake of romantic love and fear of loneliness. The writing exercises will give you a chance to express and experience your feelings — an essential part of the healing process. G

This book, the writing exercises, and the Ten-Step Program evolved from my work with the women in workshops and the "Don't Call That Man!" support/psychotherapy group. Although the majority of women in the groups and workshops were going through a breakup, some were presently in relationships with unavailable men. These women were looking for strength and support to leave. Other women felt they were acting too clingy and desperate in their present relationships and wanted more insight into their behavior.

The case scenerios I discuss in the book are based on woman patients I've worked with and people I've known socially who have struggled with the problem of letting go. All names or identifying characteristics have been changed.

If you are in a relationship and find yourself wanting to call your man too much, out of anxiety or panic that he is going to leave or lose interest, then you can use this book as well. Use the writing exercises, Ten-Step Program and information to work on your own issues so you do not come across as needy and desperate, which can turn off even the healthiest man.

If you are going through a breakup, you can use this book to help your recovery. By following the advice to control yourself from running after your ex, you will recover from the loss with your pride and self-esteem intact. You will not only survive, you will triumph. You may even go on to find a new love — one who will always be there for you.

There really is life after that man!

Tags: Breaking Up For Women, Healing After Break Up or Divorce, Breaking Up

About the Author

www.rhondafindling.com
Rhonda Findling, M.A.,C.R.C. is the author of "Don't Call That Man! A Survival Guide To Letting Go" (Hyperion), "The Commitment Cure" (Adams Media) and "The Dating Cure" (Adams Media) and her debut novel "Portrait of My Desire". She is a dating coach and psychotherapist. She has been in private practice in New York for the past 20 years and consults (by telephone) with clients all over the world.