Achieving Relationship Satisfaction In The Face Of Differences

The Relationship Handbook
by Jan Maizler, MSW, LCSW

(Page 5 of 5)

People want satisfactory relationships. Two major factors that play a key role in achieving this are dealing with compatibility dynamics and tolerance of differences.

In relationships, compatibility basically means the harmony and/or agreement that you may share with your partner, particularly in the way you see the world, and your way of doing things. Most importantly, compatibility is the greatest determinant of the fit, and ultimate longevity of a relationship.

A REAL LIFE CASE

An actual couple that I saw that highlighted these issues was the case of HB and IE.

HB grew up in the Midwestern United States and was raised with, and internalized certain cultural attitudes and values. These included:

1. Public displays of any feelings were discouraged.

2. When emotion was expressed privately, the narrowest degree of expression was the norm.

3. People communicated with a maximum of physical distance between them.

On a personal level, HB had two prominent personal beliefs that had a profound effect on the relationship.

1. HOW you got to and end point or goal was very important. (The means were as important as the ends.)

2. What was important about an experience was not whether it was right or wrong, but what you LEARNED from it.

IE grew up in the Caribbean and was raised with, and internalized certain cultural attitudes and values. These included:

1. Public displays of feelings were well-tolerated, and at times, encouraged.

2. When emotions were expressed privately, a broad degree of expression was the norm.

3. People communicated with a minimal amount of physical distance between them. They literally were in each other's faces.

On a personal level, IE had two prominent beliefs that had a profound effect on the relationship.

1. The end point was ALL IMPORTANT. How you arrived at it was of secondary importance.

2. Things in the world were quite simply right or wrong, and not a source of learning.

You can well imagine the challenges this relationship had, because of the multiple incompatibilities. They had their work cut out for them! The challenges became so great and overwhelming that they sought out professional couple's counseling.

A good starting point in the counseling was to encourage both partners to be realistic about what can be changed, and to have realistic expectations. Generally, attitudes and beliefs are harder to change, because they are a part of each partner's personality.

In addition, teaching the couple to tolerate their individual differences became quite important in stabilizing their relationship. This is an important in all significant relationships, be it love or friendship. Basically, tolerance of differences refers to the mutual, reciprocal respect of each partner's unique makeup, and their right to have their unique point of view. You will find this can diminish the sting of incompatibilities, if done sincerely, thoroughly, and often.

Further tools of overcoming and mastering differences that were taught in counseling was the art of requesting and compromising. These and other tools can be found in greater detail in The Relationship Handbook.

It is essential to learn to deal with differences, since it is universal to all significant relationships.

About the Author

www.relationshiphandbook.com
Jan Maizler, MSW, LCSW, is a veteran psycho- therapist practicing in Miami, Florida. He has authored six books and over eighty articles.