How To Let Go Of Guilt And Learn To Forgive

by Theun Mares

We have all done things that we are not proud of. Perhaps we were not there for a friend when they needed us, or we may have been responsible for unhappiness in our family. These sorts of past actions can leave us feeling ashamed and guilty, and we can end up carrying our guilt for years.

Guilt is probably one of the most debilitating and negative emotions there is — one that can, and often does, destroy a person's life. But if we want to live happy lives, we need to deal with the consequences of our past actions and not allow our lives to be wracked with guilt.

Feeling guilty should not be confused with taking responsibility for our past. Taking responsibility means that we actively address the consequences of our actions in whatever way we can, in particular changing our behavior patterns. Taking responsibility also includes moving on by making peace with the past.

Unlike taking responsibility, which is redeeming and positive, guilt has absolutely no value. Guilt does not encourage us to change in positive ways but debilitates us, leaving us unable to take the action we need to bring about change.

Breaking Out Of The Guilt Cycle

As a behavior pattern, guilt often becomes a self-perpetuating cycle: we do something, we feel guilty about it, we punish ourselves and, because we feel bad, we end up repeating our behavior at the next available opportunity.

The debilitating cycle of guilt continues largely because we do not take full responsibility for our actions or for changing our behavior. But how do we start the process of taking responsibility? By considering, with complete honesty, the part we play in any situation and accepting our role in creating events.

The purpose of this self-examination is to evaluate truthfully whatever occurred so that we can learn how we contributed. Through learning and honest self-assessment, we change our thinking and behavior. We can also forgive ourselves and move on with experience and wisdom.

Real Forgiveness

In this process, forgiveness is vital. However, forgiveness is not what we generally believe it to be.

The Toltec approach holds that real forgiveness has nothing to do with feeling sorry or apologizing — neither of which actually changes anything. True forgiveness is contained in its literal meaning. The word "forgive" is very old, and the prefix "for" means literally "to reject." So the word as a whole means "to reject the giving."

We need "to reject the giving" because, if we think we have wronged someone, we use our sense of guilt to "give" to that person. By giving, we hope to make it better, and to exonerate ourselves from our actions. Conversely, if we feel that someone has wronged us, we will continue to demand payment for that offense.

But giving from a sense of guilt can never lead to forgiveness. Neither can forgiveness be bestowed by another; it has to be brought about by ourselves. In the end, unless we can reject all this giving and truly forgive ourselves, we can never really move on and be free of the past.

How does forgiveness work in practice? Say that you have taken responsibility for your past by changing your behavior. The reality is that you can still have unresolved feelings about what you have done.

By simply feeling bad about the past, we never really move on. What's more, we imply that the past is meaningless and has no value. What a waste. For, if we have caused harm, surely we should try to learn from our actions rather than living with a heap of regrets? The process of forgiveness enables you to resolve unresolved feelings so that you can move on.

Forgiving ourselves means finding value in any experience. Instead of just writing off an experience as a painful episode, we should look for the value in that experience and try to take out of the experience whatever we can learn.

Toltecs look upon life as a journey of learning, and say that all true learning is experiential. Much of our learning does come about through painful experiences, but in order to move on it is important to focus on the learning rather than the pain.

By searching for learning and value from our past, we ensure that there is no more need to give or demand payment; we can, indeed, "reject the giving" and so forgive.

To take meaning and value out of any situation, simply ask, "What has this taught me? What lessons can I learn: about myself, about others and about my life? How can I use this new knowledge to change my thinking and behavior and help others avoid the same trap?"

In this light our past, instead of being meaningless and shameful, has a positive and life-enhancing value. By learning to handle our past, and by taking the steps to forgive ourselves in the true sense of the word, we can let go of the debilitating consequences of guilt, and finally move on.

About the Author

Theun Mares is author of 7 books and a teacher of personal growth based on the Toltec approach to life. In This Darned Elusive Happiness he pinpoints the barriers to lasting happiness, and shows how we can overcome them. The book also gives the keys to building successful and lasting personal relationships. toltec-foundation.org