Sharing Intimacy

Love is No Guarantee! What you Need to Know before You fall in Love
by Peter Hector

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All you need is love

It's no accident that John Lennon's words have stuck in the minds of people everywhere. But even before we heard John Lennon or the Beatles, we were told that love conquers all. And even if you are not from that era, artists like Celine Dion today constantly remind us of The Power of Love.

However, many who believe that a happy and successful relationship automatically follows when a strong and passionate love connection exists between two people often misinterpret this message. Life's experiences continue to teach us that although love can serve as a solid base upon which to build a successful relationship, by itself, it offers no guarantee. Clearly we have seen that love is not enough.

Is the honeymoon over?

At the first sign of marital problems between newlyweds or other couples who have recently entered a relationship, we often hear people say, "Ah… the honeymoon is over."

Today, people have come to expect relationships to be short-lived. And when we look at statistics that tell us the average lifespan of first marriages is about three years, it's no wonder even the couples themselves in a relationship are sometimes not surprised when their relationship ends prematurely.

But it does not have to be this way. And as people who enjoy blissful relationships would tell you, their honeymoon is not over. So why is it that some people enjoy blissful relationships while others don't?

Let's look at what men and women have in mind when they embark on a search for a partner. Most people seek an intimate connection with someone, a deep connection in which they feel completely at ease with each other and don't have to hide themselves for fear their partner will criticize or reject them.

If you're in this kind of relationship, you can drop your mask and don't have to play games. You can relax because you have accepted who you are and you know that your partner loves you the way you are. Imagine, your mate knows all of you, your strengths, your weaknesses, your fears and shortcomings, how you look when you are at your worst, and how you behave when you are in your worst mood. Your partner knows you and says, "I see you; I know everything about you, I love you just the way you are." Yes, this is what true intimacy and romantic love is all about.

But some people mistakenly believe this stage of intimacy comes automatically when two people fall in love. It does not happen that way; you have to make a conscious effort to open the door to your heart so that love can come in. Let's look at the case of Janice, a 37-year-old housewife.

Two years after divorcing her husband of 12 years, Janice met and started dating Donald a 42-year-old businessman who immediately fell for her. She proceeded cautiously with Donald. She found it extremely difficult to trust another man; because the relationship with her husband ended on a bitter note.

But Donald has treated her special, being gentle, caring, and patient with her. She has long closed the door on the relationship she had with her husband so there is no longing to return there. For these reasons, she cannot understand why she has not fallen head over heels in love with Donald. She said, "Things are not so bad. I feel comfortable with Donald and he continues to be patient with me, so why am I not hearing the chimes of bells? Is there something wrong with me?"

For reasons she does not understand, Janice has not opened her heart to Donald. And one thing is certain. Until she consciously opens her heart to the love he is sending, she will continue to feel the emptiness she experienced in her marriage.

What Prevents People From Opening Their Hearts To Love?

For a long time, psychoanalysts have identified the problem of self-alienation in humans. This is a condition exhibited by people who have lost touch with their true feelings. They are never sure what represents reality to them. This causes people to act unconsciously to whatever motivates them. They are not certain if their actions are guided by their true feelings or by outside influences. How does this happen?

Most people have been conditioned from childhood to suppress their feelings. On a visit to a friend's house, I remember seeing his young daughter Nancy came running into the living room screaming at the top of her voice when she heard that her favorite uncle had come to visit. With the same excitement, she leaped into her uncle's arms. It was clear how thrilled she was to see him.

Later, I overheard her mother scolding her. "You know, young ladies do not behave that way, running and screaming like that. You can go to your uncle and say 'How are you, it's nice to see you'."

Most men remember the pain of being hurt while playing as a child. The natural reaction of a child, experiencing pain is to cry. His father would tell him that boys don't cry. As a boy grows older, he is reminded by his peers that men are not supposed to show emotions

If, for example, a boy develops a flare for the arts and expresses a desire to take ballet classes, his mates will likely call him a sissy or a wimp.

With the desire to please her mother and as a reward for being loved, girls like Nancy will try to suppress her excitement and be more ladylike. Boys will hide their emotions so their peers will accept them. So by the time these children become adults, they might have forgotten or completely lost the desire to express the emotions they possessed as children. "If you don't use it, you loose it." But these feelings and emotions don't go away. They are a part of you and will always remain that way. "A leopard never loses his spots"

In addition to direct teaching, psychologists have noted that children learn by example. Their subconscious minds are constantly absorbing the lessons learned by the actions of their parents and the people around them. A boy who observes his father as the dominant figure in his household may believe a man must always maintain his superiority to a woman in a relationship. And people who practice certain religions teach their children that certain thoughts and emotions are evil, and should be purged from their minds.

All of these factors cause confusion in the mind of a child; he or she begins life in touch with his or her natural feelings, and later learns that certain emotions are not acceptable. Yet these emotions are a part of his or her personality. What is the solution for the child?

The child builds into his/her personality a state of unconsciousness as a form of coping and protection against emotions, which are perceived as threatening to his/her safety or self-esteem. The results of this produce humans who base their value system on whatever prompts them or seems socially acceptable at the moment, instead of letting their spontaneous emotions be their guide. Depending on her upbringing, a woman may suppress her full expression of feeling during sex for fear she may shock her partner. So she goes along with whatever she believes is acceptable, thus denying herself true fulfillment in her sex life. She may even blame her mate for her lack of sexual fulfillment.

To achieve intimacy in your relationship, both you and your partner must consciously agree to share your true selves with each other. Your partner must know who you truly are so he/she can love the real you. But before this can happen, you have to know the real you. You have to know what you honestly feel. You have to remove the layers of resistance which conceal buried or repressed emotions so that these emotions can surface and be integrated into your present system. The good news is that many people have been successful in reclaiming their disowned emotions.

Reclaiming Suppressed Or Disowned Parts Of Yourself

When people say they are trying to find themselves, they are sometimes referring to the parts of their psyche that may have been disowned by them a long time ago. Sometimes the real you that is deeply buried wants to surface, if only you would allow it to do so. But for many people, this is not easy. They are submerged parts of the self that will rise to a conscious level, producing anxiety and even fear. You may wonder, “Would people think less of me when they find out what my true feelings are?” “If my mate discovers that I sometimes cry, would she still respect me as a man?” Or “Would I receive the same attention and care from men if they find out that I am not as helpless as they thought?”

I know a lady who has always been possessed by the urge to fix things. If, for example, she was out on a date and the car developed problems, she would be shoulder to shoulder with her date trying to fix it. After a while, she had to restrain herself from offering to fix mechanical things in the presence of men because she found out most men felt uncomfortable in her company. Now that she pretends to be helpless around men, she finds she is being asked out on dates more frequently.

How do you rediscover and reclaim disowned parts of yourself?

1. Listen to your inner voice. Take some quiet time alone to listen to your thoughts and notice your spontaneous actions. Why? Because your spontaneous thoughts and actions determine who you really are. You may modify your actions when in the company of others, but you and only you will know your true thoughts. Also, it may be helpful to keep a journal. There, you can record your thoughts and insights because it's easy to forget them when you get bogged down with outside influences. You may find it difficult to find quiet time in your busy day, but as little as 15 minutes in a quiet place should be enough.

2. Honestly pay attention to your actions. Never mind what you say to other people. Guide yourself by your own actions. You may lead others to believe, for example, that you are ruthless when it comes to charging for your professional services, but you perform the same services for free at the local community center. Or, it may appear that you like to dress elegantly when you feel more comfortable in a t-shirt and jeans.

3. Seek professional help. Some people may find it difficult to reclaim their disowned and suppressed emotions by themselves. In such cases it is wise to consult a psychotherapist or other professional who can guide you through the process. Other ways exist, too.

The Option Method was created by Bruce Di Marsico. This is a simple questioning method that helps people to reveal to themselves how they are governed by their own belief systems. The Option Method has received much attention in recent times. Many people claim it has assisted them in finding the source of their unhappiness. The following is an article published by Jennifer Hautman of the Option Method Network.

Why the Option Method works: by Jennifer Hautman, inspired by Mandy Evans' audio cassette 'Choosing happiness', and reprinted with permission.

Option Method dialogues go to the very core and centre of all unhappiness, your beliefs. The process gives you the opportunity to first see your beliefs. They allow you to investigate them to see whether they are serving you in your life. The hundreds of thousands of beliefs that make up your belief systems may have been acquired long ago from parents, teachers, society, etc., yet are still operating as the source for your feelings and actions in the present.

The Option Method is unique in that it offers the opportunity, sometimes for the first time, to look at and review these beliefs head on, in black and white, and with your eyes wide open. Often self-defeating beliefs crumble under the scrutiny of investigation. Once you change a limiting belief, what results can appear miraculous, but there is nothing mysterious about it.

Without the limiting beliefs, you are free to experience powerful, life-changing results. Issues and challenges that caused years of discomfort can often be dropped with ease.

Why Is It So Easy?

Imagine you work in an office with ten other people. In the foyer, which you pass through each day, there is a 12 x 12-foot area rug. The receptionist warned you the first time you came in the office about a big hole in the floor under the rug and to stay clear of it. It was dangerous. You've now been working for this company for two years. The rug and hole have become a natural fixture to the office. The people who work there just know to give that area of the building a wide girth. Walking in from lunch, you and your co-worker don't miss a beat in your conversation as you walk around the rug. You don't even think about it much anymore.

You've had discussions with other co-workers about why the owner doesn't fix the hole, or at least put up a barrier with signs until it's fixed. There have been theories proposed like the owner doesn't care because he doesn't come in the office, that the business isn't doing well and he can't afford to fix it. Not impeding your work, you accept the hole as a "necessary evil" for working for the company.

Then one day, a new employee gets curious and pulls back the carpeting. He wants to see the hole. To his surprise, there is no hole!! He calls to everyone to come and see. As you all stand around looking at where the hole was supposed to be, you try and figure out why you all believed the hole was there in the first place. Who started this hole (whole?) mythology?!?

As it turns out, the owner had the hole fixed the weekend following the damage, but didn't inform the employees. "Just like management," one employee says, "they don't tell us anything." You each take a turn tentatively stepping on the floor where there was supposed to be a hole. You laugh as each person tests the area by jumping and dancing on "the hole." It's as solid as a rock. You're surprised and amazed.

After some discussion, you eventually make your way back to work. The next day when you enter the office, you walk around the rug. You chuckle to yourself thinking "old habits," then turn and walk over the rug to your office. With each passing day, you forget all about the hole and think nothing of where you walk.

Was it difficult to walk on the rug once you saw there was no hole? Did you need to go through years of therapy in order to do so? Did you need to analyze your childhood? Heal any wounds? Release your anger? No, you just walked on it. No big deal. Your actions and experience naturally changed once you knew there was no hole there.

This is how it works with beliefs. Changing what you believe changes your behaviors and feelings. You no longer make a circle around the rug. You no longer warn new people. You no longer look at the rug and think, "Why doesn't someone do something about that." All because your belief about the hole has changed. It can be that easy.

You can practice the option method by yourself or have an option practitioner assist you through the dialogue questions for the first times anyway. Contact the Option Network at for more information.

When you are free to honestly know what you feel, you can then share these feelings with the one you love. This is not to say that you have to share every last detail about yourself and your feelings with your mate: even in the most intimate relationship, judgment should prevail. Some thoughts and perceptions are sometimes better kept to yourself. But there are certain emotions that affect your everyday life, and it is important for your partner to be intimately aware of such feelings and emotions.

Communicating Feelings To Each Other

Expressing fear

For some time, Dennis, a technician at a packaging company in Ohio, had been hearing rumors that his company may be closing down. The economic situation in the country had taken a downward turn and Dennis knew the packaging business usually suffers in a slow economy.

After 15 years with the company, Dennis was worried that he could suddenly find himself out of a job. His wife Elizabeth noticed he has not been himself lately; he would lie in bed gazing at the ceiling. When she asked him if something was the matter, he would say that everything was all right. She accepted this at first, but as the days went by, she noticed that Dennis seemed uneasy and the simplest thing would upset him. She insisted that he tell her what was bothering him. Dennis became defensive and a quarrel developed. One thing led to another and the fighting between them lasted for weeks. Their marriage began to deteriorate so Elizabeth decided to seek help from a marriage counselor. The counselor requested to see them both, but Dennis was reluctant to do so. As the situation in their marriage became worse, he finally agreed to see the therapist.

It came out after a few sessions that Dennis was overtaken by the fear of losing his job. He had imagined himself in financial difficulties and dreaded the thought of losing their home. He did not want to tell his wife about his fears because he did not want her to worry. He believed that "he is the man" and it's his responsibility to maintain his family.

The marriage counselor helped Dennis and his wife by giving them some suggestions on how to deal with the situation, and Dennis was able to overcome some of his anxieties.

Consider what might have happened if Elizabeth did not take the initiative to seek professional help. The fighting between this couple could have developed into serious problems.

Many of us associate fear with weakness. We feel a sense of humiliation if others find out that we are afraid. Most men like to give the impression that they are bold and fearless, and people have come to expect men to act that way. It's always an amusement for the attendants in the doctor's office when I tell them I am afraid of injections. They always comment, "Come on. A big guy like you can't be afraid of this small needle."

It may be okay to show a lack of fear in certain situations, (like when you're coaching others) but it helps to let your mate know when you are afraid. Sometimes simply talking about your fear with your partner can help overcome it. And sometimes the mere listening to your partner can give them the strength to act against his/her fear.

Failing to express your true emotions to your mate can sometimes cause misunderstandings, which may develop into serious problems in your relationship. I think of a man who could not understand why his wife becomes jealous when he flirts with other women at a party. "I don't see her point; she knows I love her yet she gets extremely jealous when I dance with other women. She knows that I'm not going anywhere, but I enjoy having a good time when I'm at a party." Every time they go out to a party, she gives him the silent treatment for days afterward, and this has caused some tension in their relationship.

This woman's jealousy results from fear of losing her husband to another woman. It may be true he has no intention of running off with another, but that does not eliminate his wife's fear. As a woman, she is reluctant to express this fear to her husband, thinking he may believe she lacks self-confidence. She therefore takes the stand that, as his wife, he ought not to put her through what she considers an embarrassment in public. Her husband, on the other hand, misinterprets her feelings and believes that she is just a spoiled sport.

If the woman was to express her true feelings to her husband, and say to him, "You know honey, I know that you love me and I know that you are not in the market for another woman, but for some reason I am fearful. I am terrified by visions of you leaving me. And it doesn't help when I see you having a good time with other women." If she was to confide in him that her feelings go deeper than petty jealousy, he may be able to better understand her preoccupation.

Anger: A Natural Reaction

When either you or your partner expresses anger, you are expressing an honest feeling, but this does not mean you no longer love each other.

Anger is a form of communication, which tells your partner your perception of what has happened or what was said. It is a normal and spontaneous reaction. But some of us choose to withhold our expression of anger, perhaps in an attempt to maintain peace and tranquility in our relationships. According to Dr. Constance McKenzie M.ED., MA, the more we withhold feelings instead of letting them out, the more likely we are to have an angry outburst as the pressure builds inside.

Many of society's educators, parents, teachers, religious leaders, etc., teach that anger is a negative emotion that gets us into trouble and should not be expressed. They note that the momentary relief we may gain from impulsively expressing anger is not worth the possible negative consequences that can result. We like to be good citizens, so we do our best not to show anger.

However, withholding your expression of anger may be okay in social gatherings, business meetings, etc., but can be a source of misunderstandings in a loving relationship. Why? Because in an intimate relationship, it is wise to know your mate's true feelings at all times. You honestly may not be aware of how your actions may hurt, belittle, or offend the ones you love. Sometimes it takes an expression of anger to get your attention.

Expressing anger, however, should not be confused with attacking your partner. "You are no different from my last husband/wife; I should have known you'll be like this." Or "You inconsiderate so and so. I know you did this so you can get back at me." Instead of communicating your feelings honestly, such expressions are designed to provoke an attack, like a declaration of war.

When someone who loves you perceives that your words or actions were intended to cause pain (in many cases mistakenly so), he/she reacts spontaneously and passionately. It is a reflex reaction. He/she cannot understand how someone with whom he/she shares such strong love and intimacy can intentionally hurt him/her.

Such a reaction indicates that true love does exist in the relationship, and it should be viewed that way. Someone who is in a relationship for reasons of convenience and not necessarily for love may react in a similar situation with indifference or withhold expressing anger while planning revenge.

So in a loving relationship, allow your partner the freedom to express anger. Don't argue or fight back, but listen attentively while he/she vents angry feelings. If you constantly ignore, make light of, or fail to acknowledge your partner's anger, he/she may turn off and withdraw to himself/herself. This can begin a downward turn in your relationship.

The case of Monica and Robert provides a good example of how happy couples handle anger.

When Monica came home from work one evening, Robert had still not arrived; he gets home about an hour before Monica on most days. She didn't think much of it until she noticed it was after eleven o'clock and he had still not shown up. She telephoned his place of work where she learned that he had left hours ago. By 2:00 a.m., she was besides her self with worry. Robert had not yet come home nor had he called to say where he was.

At 3:30 a.m., she was on the phone to friends when he walked in the door. "What happened?" she asked. He casually told her that everything was okay and that he just decided to stay out for a while.

Monica erupted. "Why do you do this to me? I've been up all night sick with worry thinking that something terrible had happened to you. I was just about to call the police. Listen, I can't talk about this now. I'm going to bed, and I'll see you in the morning."

Monica gave a spontaneous response when she was satisfied that Robert was safe. It was triggered by passion caused by the love she had for her husband. However, she had to contain herself so she wouldn't be overcome by her own emotions. She withdrew and said, "I'll see you in the morning." Notice she did not attack nor attempt to abuse Robert in any way, and he did not detect aggression in her voice.

No doubt Robert would apologize to his wife later for being inconsiderate. But at the time, he chose to do nothing even though he may have been under stress. He understood it was necessary for Monica to vent her anger. Usually people don't react this way; they react with strong or abusive expressions, sparking a confrontation that develops into a win-lose or right-wrong situation. Under stress, people react in ways they may regret later.

Expressing Happiness, Love, And Excitement

Just as it's important for lovers to communicate their negative emotions to each other, it is equally important to share happy and positive emotions as well. It may seem natural for people to want others to know when they are happy, but many couples are reluctant to openly express happiness to each other. Why?

A simple explanation is that if you don't trust someone, you will be afraid to expose your intimate feelings in his/her presence. "If I show my undying love and devotion to him, I will become his slave." Or "If she believes that I can't live without her, she will take advantage of me." But in a love relationship, this is a recipe for failure because intimacy and trust are vital ingredients for maintaining passion. How could you be in love with someone you cannot trust?

To share your life with someone does not mean only living under the same roof. It means sharing our inner feelings and processes, how you perceive things, what turns you on, what brings you happiness, what makes you sad, and what you fantasize about. All of these should be expressed so your partner can better understand who you are.

In a group session, a woman explained her husband's lack of excitement during sex. "Yes, he goes through the motions, but I never see any sign of excitement on his face. He says he is satisfied, but I don't see any evidence that this is so. It frustrates me and makes me feel inadequate; I think I am not turning him on." This is a source of torment for people in relationships with partners who have learned to suppress their excitement.

What inspiration and satisfaction we receive when we know that we stimulate joy and excitement in our partner's life! And contrary to men's popular belief, sexual passion is also maintained by the feedback we receive when we stimulate excitement in our lovers and not only by our expert sexual performances.

The inspiration we receive from such feedback applies not only to sexual issues. The excitement I see on my wife's face when we visit historical sites encourages me to plan trips where we can include visits to such locations. And many of us can't wait to buy our lovers that vanilla ice cream sundae or that lobster dinner, which we know he/she would die for.

Unfortunately, however, many of us have been brought up to conceal this excitement. We have learned that, in order to appear grown up, we must contain our feelings of excitement. People will see us as being silly and childish if we get too excited. You may recognize this if, for instance, you caught someone off guard who is deeply involved in his or her music. You enter the room unexpectedly to find him/her dancing and performing, but at the first sign of intrusion, he/she abruptly stops the performance with a look of embarrassment.

Sometimes we want to express our excitement and let our partners know how much joy they have stimulated in us. But it is our partners who withdraw, making us believe it's best not to show such feelings, that some things are better left unexpressed.

How do we overcome this problem?

Dr. Gary A. Davis PhD, University of Wisconsin-Madison, have observed that creative people, artists, musicians, writers, etc., show some childlike qualities such as outbursts of excitement and lack of caution. Some people may see such traits as immature. But this spontaneous outlook and reaction to life is necessary to maintain passion. If something turns you on, let it show, enjoy the moment. If you feel like screaming with excitement, go ahead. Who cares if someone might be listening? And if you find yourself afraid or embarrassed about expressing your emotions, make a conscious effort to accept that you are fearful or embarrassed. Don't fight it; accept it. Honestly let it come out in the open. Then you can be free to move on.

To know you is to love you

There is a wonderful feeling of satisfaction and security in a relationship when two lovers feel known and understood by each other.

When you truly love someone you would like to know and understand everything you can about that person's world. This is true for any relationship. Mothers often say to their children, "I know you like the back of my hand." This is easy to understand because of the deep intimate connection between mother and child.

Such intimate connection, however, should be no different between two people in a romantic love partnership. Brian Adams sang it in an upbeat tempo: "I want to know you like you know yourself," in his song "Inside Out."

People who enjoy blissful love relationships are intimately familiar with their partner's likes, dislikes, perceptions, joys, and stresses. They know what makes him/her happy or sad, what matters most or least in his/her life. Such people will be able to predict what their mates would do if they suddenly won the lottery. Or they could say how he/she would react, if that person's immediate boss just got fired from the company.

Of course, the opposite is true for relationships that are not functioning well. Here's an example. A woman came home, her face bursting with excitement. She said to her husband, "I've just won the ten million dollar lottery. Start packing." The husband, also overtaken with joy, rushed to the closet to select his luggage. He hesitated, "What should I pack, should I pack for the mountains of for the beach?" The woman replied, "I don't care where you go; just get the heck out of here." Talk about being out of touch with your mate's feelings!

Stay connected

In the earlier stages of relationships, people eagerly want to learn as much as they can about their partner's world because falling in love is exciting. Remember the many hours on the telephone when you were getting to know each other? And the long conversations that kept you awake until the wee hours of the morning and in bed until midday on Sundays? Harvard psychiatrists Richard Schwartz and Jacqueline Olds, in their book Marriage in Motion explain that in a relationship two people are never at a standstill. They are either moving closer or further apart. When the movement is toward each other, they experience a state of joy and excitement in the relationship because of the novelty in discovering each other.

But as they become more familiar with their mates, they become less enthusiastic about the discovery process. This does not necessarily mean that they have lost interest. Albert Ellis, PhD., says that excitement diminishes as curiosity about a mate is satisfied. People begin to feel they know their mates as well as they need to. But remember, as the world changes, so do perceptions, desires, and personal insights.

It is therefore necessary to keep the channels of communications open so you feel the desire to keep each other up to date with emotional developments in your lives. Also knowledge of each other's world comes in handy in times of turbulence in your relationship. For example, you may be experiencing pressures from in-laws and question where true loyalty lies. But you already know your mate's position on this subject; therefore you are better equipped to weather the storm. Intervention from well-intentioned but over-enthusiastic in-laws can be a major cause of quarrels between couples.

Tips On Staying Connected

1. Make time to catch up on what's happening in each other's lives.

No matter how busy you are, always take a moment to catch up on each other's day. For example, you are rushing to get ready to leave the house in the morning when your mate says, "I had a strange dream last night." Instead of saying, "Look I'm already late, I haven't got the time to listen right now," take a minute to hear at least some part of what your mate has to say. Then say, "That sounds real strange. Let's talk about this later when I get home. I want to hear more but I'm in a rush right now." Dreams may not be as important to you as to your partner, but by listening carefully, you can learn something about your mate's innermost thoughts. If you show no interest, your partner may withdraw and keep such matters to himself/herself in the future.

2. Make your relationship the highest priority.

To some people, this is easier said than done. Martin, an industrial steel worker, complains how tired he is at the end of the day. "Yes, she wants me to spend time talking and doing silly things to keep the relationship going. But I am more interested in using the time to make sure there is always money to cover the bills at the end of the month."

Karen is a human resource manager at a large company. Her job is satisfying, but she became scared when she thought it caused her to lose interest in sex. Her husband Ralph understood that she was under pressure at work but after six months of no sex, he, too, became anxious. They both agreed to seek professional help. "I knew I still loved my husband, and I too miss having sex. But once I'm in bed, I feel so stressed out that I do not feel the urge to have sex. I just don't know what to do," she explained to the therapist.

Karen was able to work on ways to scale down her responsibilities at work so her life could be less stressful and she could pay more attention to her marriage. There was a good ending to Karen's story, but unfortunately for many couples this often means the end of their relationship.

We all have many responsibilities but we should place them second to the responsibility of maintaining a healthy relationship with the one we love. Think about it this way: If your health depended on maintaining a happy relationship with your love partner, would you make it a priority? Well, in some cases it does. Numerous studies have shown that people who enjoy a healthy love relationship live longer and lead healthier lives. One study shows that an unhappy marriage increases the chances of becoming ill by 35% and can shorten one's life by an average of four years.

3. Have conversations with each other regularly.

Seize every opportunity you get to talk with your mate. This means while eating, while driving, in the supermarket, and other places. This may seem like simple advice, but many people are always otherwise engaged when in the presence of their mates. I am referring to people who sit at the lunch table flipping through a magazine while eating, or to the man who prefers to listen to the radio while driving with his wife. There is plenty of time to do these things when they are alone, so why not take the opportunity to discuss matters of mutual interest when they are together?

At least once a week, make a date to go out for dinner and just talk. What do you talk about? TV talk shows, the weather, the war against terrorism, your boredom at your job, your fantasy about owning your own clothing store, your disappointment with your life, your desire to spend time alone, and whatever else you have on your mind. Bringing your mate up to date with your current thoughts keeps the relationship alive. It also prevents your relationship from falling into a rut by making each other aware of the things that no longer serve the relationship.

I always remember the woman who said to me, "I don't know what happened. Everything was going fine. I mean, we had our differences like everyone else but nothing, so big as to cause him to leave me so suddenly like this." Sometimes it's not the big issues but many small ones that cause the problem. It's the last straw that breaks the camel's back.

Keeping each other current with your thoughts, your dissatisfaction with certain aspects of the relationship, negative thoughts, etc., avoids a build-up of complaints that can overwhelm you both. Remember the purpose of a partnership: One may be good in finding loopholes in financial matters while the other is more sensitive to emotional issues. The partnership runs smoothly when each person brings his/her expertise to the table.

4. Make your partner your most important relationship.

It is extremely important that your relationship with your love partner be the most important of all your relationships. No other relationship should take priority over the one you share with your mate.

"Of course, that goes without saying," you say. Yet I have seen many couples develop other relationships that compete with the relationship between themselves and their mates. Why? Because no matter how special our mates may be, no one person can satisfy your every need for stimulation. Other relationships provide the extra stimulation. A man may find that, no matter how hard she tries, his mate cannot become fascinated by his hobby of collecting model trains, so he maintains a group of friends who share his enthusiasm with his hobby. He may develop close relationships with such friends even when not in the pursuit of his hobby. If your interest or that of your mate shifts away from each other and outside of the relationship, you could be heading for problems.

5. When in difficulty, turn to each other.

Celia found she began frequenting bars and nightclubs with her friends from work. Before they were married, Jim and Celia both enjoyed nightclub hopping; at times, they would stay out until the wee hours of the morning. But Jim lost interest in the nightlife. They went out a few times, but unlike before, it seemed like Jim had to make a special effort to enjoy himself. So when some of the guys and girls from the office suggested they go out for a drink after work, she saw no reason not to go without him.

The trouble came when one of her co-workers began showing interest in Celia and she was enjoying it. Luckily for them, Jim and Celia had a strong relationship. She decided to turn to her husband and explain the whole story. By themselves and with the help of some psychology books, Jim and Celia were able to solve their problem. They were able to understand that the reason Celia was attracted to her co-worker was not because she no longer loved Jim. It was because she had found the missing stimulation she no longer had with her husband. The co-worker was just part of the package. The important lesson to learn from Jim and Celia is to turn to our mates instead of elsewhere whenever we face serious problems in our relationships.

This point should be taken seriously because sometimes we develop close friendships outside of our primary relationships. There is nothing wrong with intimate outside friendships (in many cases, they help us with our primary relationships) but we should not allow these friendships to pull our intimacy away from our primary relationship: You may be familiar with the buddy relationship system women share with their friends. In some cases, they share more intimate information with their buddies than with their husbands. If, for instance, their husbands made a negative comment about their mother, instead of saying, "I don't like it when you speak that way about my mother," they would call their friend to express their dissatisfaction with their husband's actions. If you find that you are more comfortable discussing intimate matters with someone who is not your mate, stop and determine why. It could be a signal of future problems.

The Need For Social Acceptance

Our entire lives are, to a great extent, influenced by the society in which we live. If we were to examine our conscious choice to get married or enter into a long-term relationship, society has an influence on it. We must, however, be aware that left uncontrolled, social pressures can play a major part in the destruction of our marital relationships. For some couples, their life script is already written by their families and societies even before they tie the knot. So although it may seem they are free to choose their lifestyles, they live under unspoken but constant pressure from their families. It would be considered a betrayal, for instance, if the offspring in certain ethnic families decide not to have children.

When Ann Marie, a 28-year-old credit manager for a small company, told her father that, after the wedding, she and her fiancé plan to work part-time and travel around the world for a few years, he suggested that she call off the wedding. He believed they should have children right away.

It is comforting to know that we have the strength and goodwill of our families behind us when we decide to begin a new life with our partners. We know our families would want what is the best for us. And even though we welcome their advice, we (our mates and ourselves) are ultimately responsible for our lives. One of these decisions ought to be our primary relationship takes precedence over everything else.

Building structure

When couples struggle to build a base for their future - the dream house, savings in the bank and planning for children - they sometimes do this at the cost of their marital relationship. They believe it is so important to accomplish these goals that they put their emotional growth, personal development, and desires on hold.

Usually, this happens by mutual consent. So when he says it's more economical to stay at home when she wants to go out for the evening, or when she tells him if she has sex now, she will be too tired to work the night shift at her part-time job, they understand each other. This can result in the loss of passion for the relationship. After a number of years, the couple may become more like business partners than husband and wife.

Some couples survive this period and remain together until they achieve their objectives. But in the majority of cases, they drift apart, sometimes never regaining the closeness they once had.

Somewhere along the way, one or both may feel the pressure and want to slow down. They may realize that they have bitten off more than they can chew, but they feel that it is a sign of weakness to renege on their commitment to each other. Underlying all this is the desire to live up to the expectations of their families and communities. They want to do what is expected of them, so, like soldiers, they proceed to complete their mission.

If such couples had taken time to create intimacy earlier in their relationship, they might have been able to drop their armor and discuss their feelings with each other. They may have realized that sometimes changing your mind is a sign of strength and maturity, and not always a sign of weakness.

During the period of structure-building, one or both parties may find the intimacy they desire elsewhere. Sometimes this leads to sexual gratification outside the relationship, which, at worst, can destroy their efforts to achieve their original objectives.

This situation is not limited to those wanting to build a financial future for themselves and families. Even people who are well established are sometimes driven to further their achievements for various reasons. Sometimes it's nothing more than keeping up with the Joneses.

About the Author

Advertising copywriter and seasoned researcher Peter Hector knew something was wrong after his second marriage ended in divorce. He then spent five years of research bent on discovering why like him so many people end up in failed relationships.