Making A Commitment To Each Other

Love is No Guarantee! What you Need to Know before You fall in Love
by Peter Hector

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You have known each other for some time now. You feel that a reasonable level of compatibility exist between you. Your partner has demonstrated the desire, capability, and readiness to enter into a serious relationship with you. And you both feel in love with each other. Congratulations! You are ready to commit to a loving relationship.

You may decide on a legal wedding ceremony or, for the less traditional, a non-legal or private way of formalizing your commitment to each other. Whatever form you select, it is important to understand the true meaning of such commitment.

Your commitment to your mate is not your marriage license, your wedding ceremony, nor your living arrangements. When you commit, you are in fact agreeing to the following:

"After serious consideration and with full responsibility and integrity, I am agreeing to share my life with my partner; to assist in his/her personal growth development and happiness wherever and whenever I can. I also agree to cherish and protect this union with my partner so it can forever flourish and always remains a happy one. I am agreeing to this because I want to, and for no other reason."

When you look at marriage in this way, it becomes easier to see why a marriage commitment does not end with a ceremony. Instead, it becomes a commitment for two people to strive toward, on a day-to-day basis. The commitment is to ensure the continued growth of each other and the relationship.

I always remember the expression on a young lady's face when, one morning, she burst into the office where I worked. With excitement, pride, and contentment in her voice, she showed off her engagement ring. She had finally received a marriage proposal from a young man whom we all considered to be one of the most eligible bachelors around. She was the envy of all the women.

I later learned she had confided in close friends that, although she had hoped for a marriage proposal, she had not really expected one. She confessed that she had done all she could to win her fiancé, and that she was glad that it was over now. No, it is not over yet. Too many people see marriage as a point of arrival instead of the beginning of a long journey.

Too many people support the belief that after they have taken the necessary steps to secure a marriage commitment, they can relax in the comfort that their work is done. This kind of thinking can cause complacency, which is one of the killers of love relationships. I am reminded of an old saying: "The same things you did to win your partner are the same things you should do to keep him/her."

Yes, there are good reasons to celebrate when two people decide to commit to each other in a loving relationship, but remember that this is only the beginning. Celebrate that you have been blessed with the good fortune to find a mate who has met your standards for eligibility, and that you have both fallen in love with each other.

You must also realize that an offer of a commitment is a demonstration of the highest regard and a great compliment of love. When your partner offers marriage or another form of formal commitment to you for the right reasons, he/she is saying you have been placed as the highest priority in his/her life. Treasure this commitment and use your relationship as a launching ground. This launching ground marks the beginning of a new journey, which can take you to new places in life you've only dreamed about.

Your Relationship Responsibilities

In the context of a loving relationship, responsibility does not only mean tasks, obligations, etc. Yes, always assist your partner with household chores, financial support, marital duties, etc. But responsibility in a relationship has a much broader definition. Romantic relationships provide an environment in which to learn who you really are in relation to the person you're with. This is not to say you need someone else to discover your true self. But being with a partner helps in sharing love, something you cannot do alone. To truly enjoy love, you have to express it with others.

Many people believe they are on this earth for a purpose, that their existence will benefit mankind. Perhaps their contribution may not be as important as that of Alexander Graham Bell or Mother Theresa, but in some way will have a positive impact on society. A comedian, who makes people laugh or a mother whose daughter may discover a cure for the HIV virus are both important to our society.

Most people spend years trying to find a purpose for their existence. Some are lucky to discover what they believe to be their purpose relatively early in life. Others do so much later. And many people go through their entire lives without finding what they believe to be the true purpose for their existence.

When that discovery happens, you experience a marked change in life, which produces a profound impact on your existence. A person who has been converted to a religious calling or who decided to devote his/her life to a special cause falls into this category. Every day is full of excitement and a desire to constantly move forward. Fulfillment from the cause provides new energy.

Most people strive to arrive at this point in life. Within a loving relationship, it's your partner's responsibility to help bring out the hidden qualities you may not know you possessed. This does not mean you should sit by waiting for your partner to guide you toward your goals and dreams. It means that because of the love and mutual caring that exists between you, your partner will be aware of your emotional and spiritual struggles and provide encouragement and assistance with these struggles.

I've heard many happy couples say their partner represents their "other half." Now that they have found each other, they feel complete. This is one of the many myths surrounding romantic love. You may need others to assist in the development of certain areas, but no one can complete you, because you are already complete. If you can be happy by yourself, only then can you find happiness with someone else.

The secret is to feel comfortable defining yourself without having to include another person. For example, Mr. Smith's daughter or Mr. Jones's wife. When you depend on others to make you complete, you assume a position of inferiority. And it's for this reason some people feel lost and incomplete after a breakup in their relationship.

Remember if you seek happiness from outside, you will always be disappointed. True happiness comes from within. Yes, you can benefit from what your partner brings to the relationship, but you should not lose any part of you if what he/she brings is ever taken away.

The desire to nurture the one you love comes automatically when you are in love. Of course this refers to a mature love relationship. This is a relationship in which both parties are concerned with the needs of each other, not when one or both are interested only in their own needs.

People who love their significant other do not need to be told when she/he needs to be comforted, when he/she needs to be held, stroked and caressed, and when he/she needs to be left alone with his/her own thoughts.

You believe that your partner can succeed in whatever he/she sets out to accomplish and you respect his/her opinions no matter how childish or insignificant they may seem. Some people, even though they are in love with their mates, have not learned the art of (or feel the need for) nurturing. This can have roots in their upbringing, but it is easy to see why they would feel loved and appreciated when their partner nurtures them.

Why People Marry

According to Burnham and Phelan in their very informative book 'Mean Genes' humans are guided by their genes whose primary purpose is to ensure the continuation of the species. Both men and women pursue their genetic goals in whatever way seems most efficient. Marriage is one of these ways. It is an exchange between two people. The man offers commitment, protection, and financial support while the woman contributes the promise of sexual exclusivity, caring, and fertility. Traditionally, a man is expected to give her a ring as proof of his ability to provide material goods, and the woman's virginity proves she has kept herself pure and is now ready to be the exclusive property of her husband to be.

From as far back as we know, marriage has been the accepted structure of a family unit: When you're ready to start a family you get married.

Traditionally, families took a special interest in the selection of a marriage partner for their offspring to preserve the customs and traditions of their clans and communities. In the custom of arranged marriages, two people were brought together by community elders and matchmakers, and marriages took the form of a business arrangement between two families. It was even customary in some cases for the bride's family to offer a dowry, i.e., a gift of money or property in order to sweeten the deal. The wishes of the marriage couple in such an arrangement were of little importance. Of importance was having as many children as they were able to, and carrying on the family's tradition.

Except for a few cases, arranged marriages are no longer practiced in the United States, but are still common in certain societies. And with the problem of overpopulation in the world today, people ask, “Why should I get married, especially when I can support myself, and I don't want to have children?”

Some people mistakenly believe that marriage originated from a legal or religious obligation. This is not the case. In every society, marriage has always been a choice between two people and only sanctioned by the Church and State. Clearly, marriage is a choice and not an obligation. When two people choose to marry, it is then and only then do the Church and State intervene to provide legal protection for the marriage.

However, recent actions on the part of government and state indicate these practices might be changing. In February, 2002, Frank Keating, governor of the state of Oklahoma, allocated 10 million of federal tax dollars to a program intended to combat divorce and promote heterosexual marriage in the state. In officially proclaiming February 13 as “Sanctity of Marriage Day,” the governor urged churches and religious groups statewide to develop special programs aimed at improving marriages.

Surely we can understand the practical consideration of marriage: the protection of children, questions of family inheritance, etc., but there is nothing wrong with people who choose to live together without the formal commitment of marriage. In fact, in most modern societies today, there are similar laws to protect people who live together without a marriage contract.

Are People Still Committed To Marriages?

The concept of marriage has always been, "Until death do us part." Today, to many people, it's more like "As long as I'm happy." And nowadays, even the interpretation of this happiness can vary.

For various reasons, we sometimes find it difficult to communicate our personal needs and expectations to our partners. Such needs and expectations can change from time to time due to changing circumstances in our lives. For example, you and your partner might have come together because of your mutual desire to travel and explore the universe. But your life's direction may change after you've had your fill of adventure from traveling.

Also, sometimes we ourselves do not fully understand the implications of what we ask or expect from our partnership. And since misunderstandings can be the order of the day in many love relationships, we ought to maintain constant communication, both verbal and non-verbal, clearly expressing what we expect from our mates. Maintaining the flexibility to regroup and renegotiate our understanding of our relationship agreement from time to time also helps.

For a long time, it was customary to honor your commitment in marriage. Once you made it, you lived by it. But many people who, after 25 or more years of unhappy marriages, confessed that they remained together only because of their commitment. Of course our society assisted in the prolongation of unhappy marriages by making it difficult to get a divorce.

A change of the laws in the United States made divorces easier and brought many people in unhappy marriages out of the closet. Now it is common to get a divorce when it becomes clear your marriage has ceased to function. Some marriage counselors do not support the concept of easy divorce. They believe marriage works best when there is a strong commitment between two people. They say that making it difficult to obtain a divorce forces people to honor their commitment to each other.

Remember the saying "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." Similarly, you can convince someone you are their best choice for marriage, but you cannot force him/her to love you if you subsequently become unlovable. It is my belief that commitment does not make a happy marriage but, when the marriage is a happy one, the partners become emotionally and morally committed to each other.

About the Author

Advertising copywriter and seasoned researcher Peter Hector knew something was wrong after his second marriage ended in divorce. He then spent five years of research bent on discovering why like him so many people end up in failed relationships.