Introduction

Love is No Guarantee! What you Need to Know before You fall in Love
by Peter Hector

One in every three first marriages in the U.S will end within ten years, and one in five will end within five years, according to a November 2001 report issued by Centers for Disease control and Prevention. The report "First Marriage Dissolution, Divorce, and Remarriage: United States," also notes that 43% of first marriages will end within 15 years.

Although recent statistics paint a bleak picture of the future of marriage, it seems that most people have not totally lost faith in the institution itself. Also, newer studies have revealed that the statistics on the success of remarriages are even less encouraging; remarried couples divorce at an even higher rate than first timers. Yet it is not uncommon to see many divorced people remarry for a second and even a third time.

It should be no wonder that, despite the statistics so many people are willing to risk the heartbreak, sorrow, and economic losses resulting from failed marriages. People need companionship, and marriage has been the accepted structure for men and women to live with each other for as long as we can remember.

However, over the past few decades, the staggering increase in the divorce rate in America has left young people in doubt about the idea of marriage itself. Many have opted for the less traditional arrangement, i.e., living together without the benefit of the marriage vows. One U.S. Census report "Marital Status and living Arrangements, 1996", showed an 85% increase in cohabitation within the last decade alone. But does this ensure compatibility in marriage?

According to numerous studies, the rate of failure in common law relationships is 50% higher than that of traditional marriages. So the question is: What can couples do to reduce the rate of failure in their own relationship? Even more significant questions are: What are the reasons for these failures in so many relationships. Why do people who want to share their lives together find it so difficult to sustain long term relationships with each other?

The answer to these questions and more is the focus of this book. One of the principal causes of the high casualty rate in marital relationships lies in the sources of our life- long teaching and information about marriages. Most of us are familiar with the emotional side of romantic love. Less commonly known are the biological connections to these emotions. Anthropologist Helen Fisher (more about this in Chapter 7) has documented evidence that links the biological and chemical processes of our bodies to love and attachment between males and females.

In her study, Fisher notes that our bodies produce chemical substances known to cause attachment in humans. She suggests that nature has provided a way to bring couples together and keep them sufficiently motivated until the creation of offspring is accomplished. Additional clinical experiments link reduced levels of these "love-enhancing compounds" in the human body with the decline of passionate love and attachment between couples. Fisher believes that the reduced levels of these chemicals may be directly responsible for separation and divorce in romantic relationships.

Most young people entering a relationship for the first time are not sure what is expected of them to be a good partner. The majority of the people we interviewed admitted they were not looking very far into the future when they got married. All they knew was that they were in love with someone who met their social and sexual requirements-at least the way they saw them at the time. For most of us, our parents have been our only source of first-hand information about marriage. But times have changed; what may have worked for our parents in their time may not work for us today. And with the high rate of failure reported in present-day marriages, it would seem unwise for us to use past-day examples of marriages as role models for our own relationships. We need to find better solutions.

Love is No Guarantee guides you through the process of finding love and keeping it alive in the face of today's challenges. It is not a book about psychology. I am not a psychologist and this is not an attempt to psychoanalyze why people behave the way they do; numerous well-qualified professionals have already done an excellent job in that area. This is a look at the practical, logical reasons for people's actions and the resulting consequences.

Part one covers all aspects of dating; guiding you to some of the places you can meet eligible people who share similar interests with you.

When you feel you are attracted to someone, Love is No Guarantee walks you through the steps you must take before you fall in love; yes, that's right, before you fall in love. Even when you believe you've found the right person, you will have to take steps to make certain "what you see is what you are getting."

For example, I've heard men complain they fell in love with women they met in a work environment. These men were attracted to and sought women who held interesting jobs and led socially stimulating lives. Imagine the surprise to those who married these women, only to discover that their wives want to give up their careers to become stay-at-home moms. Usually the relationship becomes strained because the men may feel they have been misled. Likewise, a man who is financially well off may marry a career woman but secretly plans to convince her to give up her career and become a housewife or a "trophy" wife.

When you do decide to choose someone you believe may be right for you, this guide suggests ways to confirm your initial feeling. You will be able to determine if, in fact, you can share a life together. These steps are relatively simple to follow, yet many people bypass them only to have regrets later. Remember, to enjoy a fulfilling relationship even with someone you love, you must share compatibility in the important areas of your life. You'll stand a better chance of understanding your partner if you both share similar values, personal habits, and opinions. You don't have to agree on everything; being in total agreement with your partner at all times can produce boredom in the relationship. In fact, even on some important matters, you can have different opinions. But at least you should see eye-to-eye in matters critical to your day-to-day existence.

For example, if you grew up in a wealthy family and have always appreciated, enjoyed, and looked forward to the finer conveniences of life, you may have difficulty living with a mate whose philosophy is to live on the bare necessities, especially if he or she believes accumulation of wealth is immoral. However, your relationship may still survive if you vote Republican and your partner is a staunch Democrat.

Love is No Guarantee explains what men and women want from each other in a relationship and how you can determine what your prospective partner expects from a relationship with you. Being aware of each other's expectations gives each person a clear picture about the other's willingness and ability to meet his or her needs.

When you are reasonably satisfied that the mate you chose is "the one" and you decide to formalize your relationship, Part Two provides valuable tips to make your relationship a success. This may be even more important than it seems because the challenges we face on a day-to-day basis can cause us to neglect our relationships. And by the time we realize our mistake, it might be too late to repair any damage caused.

You will learn:

• What men really want
• What women really want
• How to tell if your partner truly loves you
• How to maintain love and intimacy while raising a family
• How to communicate your most intimate needs to your partner
• How to maintain a satisfying sexual relationship with the one you love
• How to deal with in-laws without loosing your hair
• The reasons why love dies

Love is No Guarantee teaches you to recognize signs that indicate potential trouble spots in your relationship before they get out of hand.

Each relationship has its own problems but many share similarities. It is my wish that you use the knowledge and experiences gained from others to seek solutions that can benefit you. It is my sincere hope that you can sit back, look at your own situation, and ask yourself whether your beliefs, expectations, and actions so far have worked for you. If so, congratulations! If not, you may want to adopt some of the practical applications outlined in this book to improve your own relationship.

This book is for people who want to find peace and happiness in their love relationship.

About the Author

Advertising copywriter and seasoned researcher Peter Hector knew something was wrong after his second marriage ended in divorce. He then spent five years of research bent on discovering why like him so many people end up in failed relationships.