On Choice, the Mental Spectators, Social Relationships, the Problem of Oughts And Getting Command

by Terry Rich Hartley, Ph.D.

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On Choice

Like it or not, we are all gladiators. We go to sleep and wake up in a social arena from which there is no escape. Challenge upon challenge confronts us, walls restrain us, and a mob of spectators mocks, sneers or cheers us. Each and every day brings new battles whether we want them or not and whether we're up to them or not. Life forces us to face one skirmish upon another–no choice in that. What we can choose, though, is which kind of gladiator to be, victor or vanquished.

On the Mental Spectators

The tyrants applaud and they hiss, they encourage and they discourage. Like spectators in a Roman arena, their thumbs go up and their thumbs go down. Mercilessly, they tell you if you're a victor or a vanquished. And their power over your self-concept can't be overestimated. After all, they represent every person, every social custom, and every cultural truism that you are ever exposed to. Sure, in your everyday activities you encounter real-life spectators, people who judge you. But, once each spectator is out of sight, if you've taken his or her judgments seriously, that person becomes a mental spectator–one living in your mind. The mental spectator is the memory of the overheard mother or the aunt saying, "I hope you marry someone rich because you're not going far on brains." It's the echo of the father or the coach growling, "You've got a back problem–no spine." It's the image of friends mocking you for expressing other than a group opinion. And think of all the TV ads ringing in your head, telling you what to wear, what to drive, how to look, what to swallow and when.

The mental spectator is your memory of the model on the magazine cover insinuating that if your physical proportions are not equivalent to hers, then you're a blubber butt or a flat-chested geek. Use her product to look the way you "should" look. It's also the flaming feminist demanding that you become an assertive, obnoxious bitch, or the shouting male radio host taunting you to be a two fisted, chest thumper who defends the old standards when men were men and women were better seen than heard. It's the demagogue of any leaning–left to right–prodding you to march in lock step with the "correct" gender, social, or religious battalion. It's the preacher, the banker, and the busybody. It can even be your god, your guardian angel, or your conscience. It's all these figures–and more–collectively placing demands on you, demands so conflicting that their impossibility leaves you with a down and dirty self-concept.

On Social Relationships

Something is happening in your life that you want to alter in some way. Maybe you want to jazz up your love life, improve your employment options, or your relationship with a friend, your child, one or more parents, or even your ability in general to get along with others. You know that somehow this will improve your life. But one thing is clear–whatever actions you take (or don't take)–involve your relationships with others. You are in an arena of social relationships. You can't make a move without bumping into someone, and all those someones press and guide you in ways you can barely imagine. That's the price, and the reward, of being human. You are always influenced by others, real or mental. You do remember things people say to you and what they do in response to what you say and do. Believe it or not, you do care. And you are swayed by other people.

On the Problem of Oughts

For many people, the mental spectators that are formed from their experiences in the social world give them mixed or troubling messages. Indeed, even perfectly "normal" people often face disparity in what they think they "ought to be" and in what they think they "actually are." That is, they see a contrast between what their mental spectators are telling them they "should" be and how they "actually" picture themselves. This is often associated with unrealistic self-demands and experiences of guilt. When you can't live up to "oughts," your self-concept spirals downward. After all, how can you think highly of yourself if you can't even rise to common standards?

This happenstance often occurs in the area of gender roles. By gender role, I don't mean your sex, I mean those nonphysical aspects of sex that are culturally regarded as appropriate to males or to females, and which are usually at the exclusion of the other. Think for a moment about all the "oughts" you carry around with you that involve this one subject alone. You ought to: "act like a lady," "stand tall like a man," "be more sensitive," "be more assertive," "take care of the kids," "bring home the bacon." I could fill the rest of this chapter with oughts, but the point is you know what I'm saying is correct.

On Getting Command

This book will guide you on your quest to rule by improving your self-concept. And no, you don't need to swing a sword or toss a spear. As I said, you are a gladiator in the social arena–you have no choice–but you'll become a smart one, one who learns how to win those spectators to your side, who becomes adept at getting a grip on life and becoming the person you most want to be. What it takes are eight steps for getting command, eight steps you can apply to most any situation you want altered. Critical thinking is crucial to each step. You'll learn to think in situations to which you now merely react. You will learn who your mental spectators are, how you can deal with them, and how to battle your way to a better, more fulfilling life.

About the Author

Dr. Hartley is a social psychologist, a scientist, and the author of "Tyrants of Self-Concept: Ruling the Rulers," a 122-page ebook that thoroughly describes the eight steps for improving your relationships, taking control of your life, and living the life you want to live. It includes easy-to-relate-to stories, examples, humor, and concrete, practical worksheets and exercises that get results fast.