Take Command and Gain Freedom

by Terry Rich Hartley, Ph.D.

(Page 3 of 4)

Bookstores are brimming with self-help books, so you're probably wondering what this book has to offer that others don't. The answer is that my approach is not just a variation of other books; it is fundamentally different. Look in any bookstore and you'll find two types of self-help literature. One type of book will say that your problems are internal, that all your difficulties are the product of forces within you–whether you know it or not. By changing your attitude, the world–or at least your view of it–also will change. This view comes primarily from the field of psychology, which tends to treat persons from an individualistic perspective. That is, each person is a somewhat isolated “thing” filled with thoughts, emotions, and all sorts of hidden psychic forces.

The second type of book looks to society and culture as the shaping forces. Here, you are led to believe that social injustices are at the root of your problems. Becoming socially conscious and politically active will help you change things in the world for the better. Then, you personally will profit from the changed social conditions. This view grew from the field of sociology. Contrary to the psychological perspective, this view is inclined to treat individuals as parts of groups, as cogs on the great gears of society.

As a social psychologist, I do not see the two perspectives as necessarily in opposition. To the contrary, I believe both bodies of knowledge can become complementary elements of a greater whole. All that's needed is some glue to bond them together. And, social psychology is that glue. I will help you recognize the powerful influences in your life: your society and culture, the many small groups of which you are part, certain individuals, and, most importantly, the mental spectators you have created from them. Then, and only then, can you fully go to work on taking command of your life and mastering your self-concept.

I'll coach you through the eight steps for taking command of your life; your task is to do the work. Now, let's look at the steps.

Eight Steps to Taking Command of Your Life

1. Define What Ails You

Ask, what's my problem? Am I a jealous weasel, troubled that others have what I want? Am I ticked off most of the time? Am I sad and whiney? Anxiety ridden? Moody? All of the above? Without this step, you're doomed. Healing relies on it. It will take personal courage, but you won't get results without identifying what ails you.

2. Discover the Effects

Ask, how are my problems affecting my life? Am I a lousy parent, a friendless dork, a backstabber, a slut, a drunk, a junkie? Am I none of the above, but someone who is less than I could be? This step requires absolute self-honesty, but the truth will help set you free.

3. Seek the Source

Ask, from where are my problems coming? Who are my real and my mental spectators? What do my mental spectators look like, say, and do? Exactly who or what is keeping me from taking command of my life? This could be one of the most incredible experiences of your life. You will look into the abyss and see who is looking back.

4. Identify Your Role

Ask, how am I contributing to my problems? What is my responsibility in all this? Did I decide to be a garbage disposal? Do I beat myself to death trying to please others? Do I expect things of myself that are unfair? Do I treat myself as a friend or an enemy? Do I allow my mental spectators to drive me to distraction, depression, anger, anxiety? Recognizing your role in your own problems is a positive–but scary–step toward knowing yourself and gaining personal command.

5. State Your Desires

Ask, what do I specifically want to do about my problems? Do I want to be a doormat, a slut, a drunk, a friendless geek? Or do I want to rule my mental spectators? Do I want to stand up to a spectator, real or within, who puts me down? Do I want to take command of my education, my bank account, my relationships? Until you can actually list your desires in the order of their importance you will be a victim of negative self-concept. However, once you do this, you are on your way up from being vanquished to being victorious. You will be on the path of taking command of your own life and ruling your spectators.

6. Seek Options

Ask, what are my options, and in what order should I place them? What is the first option I should concentrate on? The second one, the third? If you have a soul-sucking hangover most mornings, you might opt to give up your booze buddies for some real friends. Secondly, take the money you normally spend at bars and deposit it in a college fund for yourself or your kids. If, instead, you're a workaholic and you want to spend more time with your kids, then DO IT! Very few people on their deathbed have said, “If I could live life all over again, I'd spend more of it at work and less with people I love.” Choices are involved here, but by weighing options and alternatives, and then making personal choices you are taking command. Do this and you'll begin to gain real power.

7. Learn Winning Techniques

Ask, how do I rule my real and my mental spectators? Must I collapse in a heap when they point thumbs down? How can I learn to take charge on every level and get a grip on my life? Now you apply the techniques that I'll teach you. There is no “magic” involved, but you might feel there is. Unlike a vanquished gladiator falling at the whim of spectators, you decide your own course.

8. Master Your Relationships

Ask, what more can I do to master my relationships by strengthening myself and my perceptions? How do I take command right now in developing my own identification and self worth? Congratulations! You're working on the one person in the entire world you can work on–YOU! And any improvement in yourself can't help but enrich your relationships with other people and the world around you. But remember, this is not an end, it is a journey–one that's worth traveling the rest of your life.

If you're willing to take action, the following chapters will change your life. The chapters and the workshops are in sequence for a reason–each step prepares you for the next one. Don't pick and choose. Drink in the information from the second chapter, then complete the workshop at the end. Wait until you are certain you've completed it fully and honestly before moving on to the next chapter. There are no shortcuts. But the journey will be worth the effort.

About the Author

Dr. Hartley is a social psychologist, a scientist, and the author of "Tyrants of Self-Concept: Ruling the Rulers," a 122-page ebook that thoroughly describes the eight steps for improving your relationships, taking control of your life, and living the life you want to live. It includes easy-to-relate-to stories, examples, humor, and concrete, practical worksheets and exercises that get results fast.